having a bad morning

Hi @Former-Member

Lately the mornings are worse and i can't shake it. It seems to be more intense after I have a therapy session the night before.

Some days I think to myself - "stuff it; why do i bother, why don't I just run away for good and never come back; my life is too hard; i can't cope" - and then i think "i don't know what to do".

I feel so confused in my head at times. I just don't know anymore. I try to stay on top of things but maybe it's all too much.

I will try to start writing things down in the morning. At work recently I have started writing daily 'to do lists' for the day.

Thank you for your support.

Well it's another bad morning.

I had an appt with my GP this morning and I broke down in his rooms. I told him mothers day was triggering me into suicidal thoughts and self harm. I told him I want to get back at my mum and make her feel guilty. I told him so much negative stuff. He sat and listened and then asked when was I seeing my psych again. I told him in 3 weeks time. He said it may be a good idea if i went back into hospital for a week.

I was so emotional, couldn't stop crying. I said to him that I am trying to be better and said yes he understands that. he said he knows that i am trying so hard, it's just that at times (more frequent recently) i am getting so caught up in my thoughts and then go right back down again. I have so much anger and am frustrated with my mum. So much anger.

I hate when i have bad days it really sh**s me so much that i then get so angry.

I just needed to vent this out, sorry 😞

Hi @BlueBay I think you were very brave and did the right thing being so honest with your doctor. How do YOU feel about going back to hospital? It would give you a real break from daily stuff at home and also lots of support. Would it be a place you have been to before where you feel safe and cared for?

Hi @eth

Yes i have been there 3 times over the past 3 years. I feel so good when i go there, time to myself; time to think. it may help me focus on what i want reg. work stress as well. i think when i see my psych next time i will talk to him about it again.

i do like the staff there as they are all caring and supportive. you do group therapy as well as individual and it just gives me a break from everyday life.

i am very lucky to have a fantastic GP who is so supportive of my mental health issues and is so caring.

@BlueBay if you want to do it your GP can probably make it happen sooner for you. Glad to hear it's such a positive place for you.

Yeah @eth I have 4 days off work next week as hubby and i are going away for our anniversary. But after that i will see how i go; and if still not good i will tell my GP to put me in. otherwise i will wait till i see my psych.

Sounds like a good plan @BlueBay. We are here to support you in the meanwhile.

Yesterday afternoon I phoned my pysch to talk to him and let him know how I am feeling. He is away for the week but they got another pysch (who I have seen a couple of times) to call me. He called me last night and we spoke for a while. I told him that I am not sleeping well, stressed with work, crying every morning and wasn't coping in the morning. I did tell him that I was okay by the time he rang me. He said he wants me to try to take my AD at night to see if that makes any difference with waking up in the mornings. He also suggested I do more meditation or mindfulness and that will help with my anxiety.

The only thing (and probably the most important thing) was that I didn't tell him about my self harming thoughts and wnating to 'get revenge' at my mum. I keep having these thoughts that if i SH then she will feel guilty.

He wants me to ring him on his mobile tomorrow to let him know how I am going. I don't know if I should tell him about the other stuff.

Hi @BlueBay I'm really glad you are getting some support now. How are you feeling this morning? I know it's probably scary but I think it would be good if you could tell the psych about the SH ideation. I also suspect that if your mother is as narcissistic as she sounds she won't react the way you think if you were to hurt yourself. Please don't. Hoping you are feeling a bit better this morning.

Hi @BlueBay. It sounds like a good idea to tell your psych about your feelings. I had the same reluctance about confessing to being a huge user of weed some months back. Now I'm completely free of it after about 20 years of using. This is in no small measure related to being open about it with those who are there to support me. You may find similar relief from these things if you can pluck up the courage to just spill the beans on it all. Either way, we are here supporting you in whatever you decide.