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having a bad morning

BlueBaySenior Contributor07 Apr 2016, 8:01 am AEST

having a bad morning

I am feeling that my life at the moment is crap. I am so depressed and find that more so in the mornings. I hate myself so much, the way I feel, the way I act and behave. I know people will say to me 'oh just get over it' or 'you're not trying hard enough' - well to those people who say that: Do you have a mental illness; do you know what it's like to have depression and feel so dark that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; do you self harm to get rid of your emotions and to feel the pain; or do you think about suicide because it's all too much and you can't handle the pain anymore - NO. So don't tell me to just 'move on' or 'stop being too sensitive'.

I am not having a good morning this morning; tears are flowing as i am typing. And I have to get ready for work; damn work. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living and why?

I really don't know how i am going go today at work; I feel so depressed. 😞

1047 replies

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In response to: having a bad morning

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Aug 2016, 1:10 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

@BlueBay. Great to hear you writing down a list and will work through them one by one.
There will be times it's hard, but just remember how far you have already come.
You can do it.

In response to: Re: having a bad morning

BlueBaySenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 10:34 am AEST

Re: having a bad morning

I've just SH.

i am so sorry to everyone who is supporting me. i am in a bad way emotionally. i am so bloody angry at my mum tht i hurt myself. i want revenge because i hate her and want her to see. but she won't see will she? oh damn, i hate her. i should not stay home alone anymore.

In response to: Re: having a bad morning

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 12:48 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

Hi @BlueBay 💜

Where are you now ?

Have you taken yourself to where you will be safe from further SH ?

I am glad you recognise that it is not good for you to be alone when you are feeling this way.

Maybe call Lifeline and have a chat ? Ph: 13 11 14

Tell us how you are going.

In response to: Re: having a bad morning

BlueBaySenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 1:03 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

Hey @Faith-and-Hope

I am okay now. I lost it completely. I did call the CAT team but had to leave a message and they haven't called back. couldn't even call my psych as he doesn't work today at the clinic. So i called my therapist who i see weekly and we talked for a while and he helped me.

I mopped the house, put the washing out on a rack and now putting dinner in the oven to cook. My son is home now so that is good, but i did have jersey by my side.

I have a headache so i am not going to work to fill in; i called and they will get someone else to cover.

i am seeing my psych tomorrow so i will tell him all about today. my SH is okay; it was only once today but gee the anger was there. had the CAT team answered my call straight away i think they would have sent someone down to see me. it was all to do with my mum and how damn angry i am and how i wanted revenge by hurting myself - but my therapist told me i am hurting me not my mum and i burst our crying again.

After talking to my therapist i decided to draw him a mandela picture. haven't finished it yet but i will before saturday.

i need to go and clean the bathroom upstairs, so i will do that now. i really think either i stay really busy from when i first wake up or i go back to do outpatient program.

my therapist jokingly suggested why don't i do his ironining? at least that would keep me busy!!! LOL

but he would have to pay me; i wouldn't do it for nothing.

In response to: Re: having a bad morning

ShimmerSenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 1:16 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

It's great to hear that you were able to tolerate your distress and move on to productive activities so you feel okay now @BlueBay

In response to: having a bad morning

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 4:01 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

@BlueBay. Firstly I'm so glad that you ok. And that your SH was not physically too serious.
Secondly - you haven't let anyone down by SH. We don't judge. We all just want to help.
Today has been a rough one - after a week of mixed and intense feelings.
Yes you SH. But that doesn't mean you will do it again. Like a smoker trying to quit - sometimes there is a lapse - but that doesn't mean they they stop trying to quit.
So glad your therapist was able to talk to you. And tomorrow you will see your psychiatrist. That will be good.
Unfortunately when you SH - even though your anger is aimed ay your mum - she doesn't hurt - only you do.
So sending you an extra tight comforting hug today. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

In response to: Re: having a bad morning

BlueBaySenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 4:06 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

Hi @Shimmer @utopia

Yes my mandela art picture is almost complete and i am going to give it to my therapist who helped me this morning.

I have enjoyed drawing it and now colouring it, with background relaxing music on my computer.

@utopia

yes you're right, i have SH but I haven't done it very often; it was so much anger towards my mum but yes i have hurt myself not her.

I am glad that i am seeing my psych tomorrow morning.

thanks for the 'extra tight hug' - i can feel it - thank you 🙂 xxxx000

In response to: having a bad morning

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 4:16 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

@BlueBay. Can you write up a strategy to help prevent you SHing if you feel like this again. For example - that you will try
*busying yourself with housework
*phoning for help first
*going for a long fast paced walk
You and your psychiatrist maybe could write something together. A healthier way of coping when anger and pain becomes too much.
I still think you are amazing and have come along way. Today was just a slip.
♥♥

In response to: Re: having a bad morning

BlueBaySenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 4:23 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

@utopia

good idea, i will speak with my psych tomorrow.

By the way the CAT team did eventually call me back and apologised for ringing back so late. But i told him i was okay and what i had done. He said it was good that i am seeing my psych tomorrow.

he said to call him anytime when i am 'in emotional state'.

I couldn't go for a walk as I had a headache and it was pouring with rain.

And my blood pressure went sky high this afternoon 189/100. Just spoke to a GP at my clinic and he suggested i take my night tablet right now to reduce my blood pressure.

tomorrow is another day, i will go for a walk.

In response to: having a bad morning

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Sept 2016, 4:28 pm AEST

Re: having a bad morning

Perfectly said @BlueBay. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully brighter and without rain. So glad the CAT guy rang you back. Bit late - but all good
Yes, get your blood pressure down with your medication. Then do something calming like knitting. Really wish I could see some of what you create. The frustrating thing about being anonymous on here.
I'm off for a nap. Too much work last 2 days in garden.
I'll be back on later for a catch up. Your blood pressure should be better by then.

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