having a bad morning

Hi @Decadian

I am still angry and need to write him a letter, need to write it down now:

Dear (pysch name)

At my last session with you, (Thursday week ago) you decided to increase my meds from 60mg to 120mg and asked me to ring you on the Monday (just gone). I called and was told by receptionist you don't work Monday's. So she said she will speak with you during the day and pass message on to call me. By Tuesday no call, so I decided to call you again and had to leave a message. No calls on Tuesday either.

By the Wednesday I went back to work and you called at 11.15am and left a message to say you called and would call me back later. No call back. Thursday I tried twice to call and left 2 messages with receptionist to call me. Still no call. By Friday I remembered that you don't work. What the hell was I supposed to do?

You would have realised by now that I had called the CAT team twice during the week reg. meds change. Yet you still didn't call me.

Do you want to know how I am feeling? Bloody angry with you. I am so angry with you because you didn't call me back to even check to see how i was. ok you called and left a message but you knew i had called every day this week, yet you never called back.

I feel abandoned by you, i feel like i am not a human being, i am just a number, a client.

I also think tht you don't care about my welfare. On Friday night I chatted online with Lifeline because i was going to take an extra tablet 'just to prove to you' 'just to show you' - but I didn't because that would be just hurting me and not you.

(Pysch's name) how can you not call me after doubling my dose and I feel you don't care. I can't explain to you how angry I am.

But you probably don't care anyway, like my parents - abandoning when i so need them.

I am sorry but i am really angry with you and i need to let you know exactly how i feel.

@Decadian

This is another email I just sent to my regular therapist who i saw this morning. he had a student in the room but didn't pre warn me, so i am emailing him. i don't care about his stupid boundaries about not emailing him, he needs to know how i am feeling atm.

Dear (regular therapist name)

Just wanting to let you know that I felt uncomfortable with having your student in the room. If I was told earlier I would have said no. I am sorry but i just feel that my sessions are private between you (therapist) and me (client), I don't want anyone else knowing what I say.

Maybe if i was pre-warned I may have said yes, because i would have had time to think about it. But i wasn't and yes I was shocked.

But I guess that's how they learn, student being in the room with their teacher/mentor.

Don't worry about it, it's a stupid email that doesn't make sense. I am stupid and i never make sense, clearly by what i am writing.

I wanted to cry today and you always stop me; that really annoys me. Why can't you just let me cry for once. I was angry at certain people, and sad because of father's day coming up and what my mum has done to me. I know it's my choice to cry, but sometimes I just need to let it out and cry.

Hope you're not angry with me after reading this.

I received a phone call before from my regular therapist reg. the email I sent him. He apologised if i was upset but he said he did mention it to me before I went into the room. I just remember him saying there was a student but not him actually 'asking me'.

Anyway he said he didn't know what to say that he hopes i am okay. He also said that he stops me from crying because it will continue forever if he doesn't stop me. I said to him 'how do i let go of my parents and what they've done' he replied - even if i was to 'let go' the hurt, the pain, my parents will still be there forever. It happened and it will never change. It's my expectations that need to change.

I'm not sure on that - if i feel like crying why can't he just sit there and let me cry. Because he says that i escalate the tears and then catastrophise the situation (ok i sometimes do that, so i am to blame)

We did finish off the call okay and i feel that he understood what i was trying to say.

I so need to work more on my boundaries and expectations.

The thing is though, being my parents that have caused so much grief for me - i still don't know how to 'let this go'; how to move forward.

I know what's happened has happened, i can't change anything. it's me that has to change. but i honestly don't know how.

something to work through with my therapist next week.

Hi @BlueBay 😏

It sounds like you had some good communication happening there with your therapist regarding how you are, and have been, feeling ....

And it sounds like you're doing some self examining .... recognising some behaviour patterns like the catastrophising that you can work at changing .... or rather .... exchanging ..... ?

Catastrophising is focussing on the worst-case scenario.

What happens if you can start telling yourself in that moment that "it's not that bad !" and trying to find the best case scenario ?

Sometimes in order to let one behaviour go, we have to exchange it for something else .... the opposite of catastrophising is de-catastrophising, or hope-building ....

But turning around a behaviour pattern will still involve baby steps .... and your therapist is there to help you with that ....

Can I tell you something ? When I was first married, and before I realised my MIL was seeing me as an adversary for her son's attention ... (I know, right ??!!) .... she was making horrible comments unexpectedly that left me feeling stunned and gob-smacked. I didn't know what to do or what to say ....and I ended up running after her, thinking I had accidently offended her .... trying to explain myself and make amends.

.... and then she would give me cold, offhand treatment like a punishment, and I would feel bad, wondering what I had done to deserve that ....

It took me a while to work out that it was some sort of silly power game she was playing. It was all about her.

I grew tired of feeling upset, hurt, unappreciated, unloved ... and it was cruel also because I had three babies at the time. I was struggling to cope with one being very ill. Instead of support, which was what I had expected, I was left feeling terrible after every interaction, and they were frequent.

What to do ?

I had to catch myself in that moment when I felt hurt, and was wanting to run after her to explain the "misunderstanding" that had just occurred.

I had to change my response to that pattern of behaviour, by deciding not to react to whatever she was saying or doing that was hurtful.

I had to work out ahead of time what to do or say instead, and have a different response ready.

It took a bit of practice, but I started to work out that while I couldn't control my MIL's behaviour, I did have a choice about whether I was going to keep getting sucked in by it or not ....

Try to keep yourself from getting sucked into that pattern of catastrophising, by recognising when it's starting to happen, deciding to change it, and concentrating on what the best-case scenario might be instead.

I hope that helps a little bit ....

❤️

Hi @BlueBay

I seem to be very tired today - or rather - I slept for a long time - but I got up to read my mail - and I feel so concerned I have to answer you - I really care about you

About your psyche - yes - you do have to tell him how you feel - and in this day and age emails are in - and so why not use them

It is a bad way to feel when you feel your psyche doesn't care - oh dear - I have cried a lot during sessions and I think the trick is to keep talking when you are crying - hard - yes - like trying to talk on the in-breath because there isn't time to take a breath -

About your parents - possibly more than anyone I know what you are feeling and for similar reasons. Your Dad is propping your mother up - and something I heard about peace at any price - it's no peace at all - and when your Dad learns that - he will realise - he will know -

But your mother sounds like mine - [sigh] I remember how devastated I felt - and I doubt she will change.

I thought that was going on in your mind - yes - I did - I think because I went through the same crap

But at the end my mother had terrible regrets - '

How does this help you? I wonder - this would be a good thing to know - someone else might have an idea - maybe the good stuff is in the future - maybe your inner light will show in someway - I pray so

For all the years I did not see my family of origin - I would have dreams - there were times when I had the phone banged down in my ear, the door slammed in my face, any mail with an address on it retured - and I still had dreams on a recurring pattern

I would be seeing my family at Christmas and in my dreams I never had any presents but they did

When the time finally came - I had presents for them - small things - and they had none for me - strange - this was no dream - it was real

So - maybe someone else can chip in here and help out - other people have parents and parents come in all shapes and sizes - how can my experience help you see that your tears are a blessing for you - and you have the right to feel angry about all of this - but you are breaking your heart and your mother doesn't care - and I have no idea of her story but she sounds really standoffish

I do remember telling you I went on an inner journey to find my mother - and I saw her as a small, twisted question-mark of a person - but my trip to Canberra and the War Memorial helped me find out more.

How I wish I could reach out and heal this terrible wound you have with a touch. That would be wonderful - I see you as a lost and lonely child - adult child - who has been given the cold shoulder and hot tongue of a mother who has no idea how you care - how hurt you are - how bad all this is.

Feeling angry and crying now - as horrible as that is - you need to get it out - maybe this is at the bottom of everything else you are feeling - like a volcano - and now it is finding its way out

I pray so

I am sending my love and I must go back to bed - but I will be thinking of you

Decadian

Hi @utopia@Decadian@Faith-and-Hope

I am going to write down a list of things i want to work on with my regular therapist. And one by one we will work on them until i understand it. i know sometimes it is difficult to understand but i will work with him and get it right or to the best of my capabilities.

I know i am so hard on myself and i need to stop. @utopia you are right.

I know i have a good family (hubby and children and dog!!) I am lucky, i go out with hubby and enjoy my children - not like my mum. that is her choice and decision so she will need to learn to live with that.

i have a life, a wonderful life with it's ups and downs, i have depression, anxiety and BPD and i was abused as a child for over 3 years. but i am a survivor and i will work hard to prove this to myself.

I have forgotten to take my meds this morning, so waiting to hear back from my GP reg. if it's too late to take them now.

anyway it's all good, i have 2 more days off before i go back to work. and tuesday i see my psych so i am redy for my discussion with him in how angry and hurt i was by him not calling me back.

i know i am grieving big time for the child in me that so needs love and hugs and support. But i know that deep down some people love me - my children, i am doing the best that i can. and my hubby loves me - it's just me that needs to work on me. grieve for the little child, the teenager and the adult.

That's all sounding really positive @BlueBay ...... 💜💕

That is fantastic to read @BlueBay

You have come a long way - great stuff wtg

Dec