having a bad morning

Hi @Decadian@utopia@Faith-and-Hope

I think being home alone and hearing all this rain is not helping me at all. In fact I am feeling very destructive; but I can't, i need to relax and let my blood pressure go down.

I phoned my psych earlier and told him about my extremely high blood pressure and not feeling too great. He has suggested I cut back on my meds for a week and call him again after that.

I am wanting to sit and cry with this rainy weather. Thinking of too many things, and including in that are my parents. Damn 😞

I understand @BlueBay

You have slowed down - and now it is catching up with you - and I am so glad you are resisting the pressure to self-harm

There are many things in life that are hard to deal with - and do not go away easily - in fact it's when you stop and start considering all of it that it can pile up on you

I get it about your parents - I have asked myself about my parents - how could they abandon one or more of their children at such a bad time in their lives

I know - my father told me - they had made a huge mistake - and I can tell you one thing

Right now your Dad seems to be under your mother's mouth - whatever she says - and they are choosing to behave in this way - but they might live to regret it - and I am sure that their regrets will be far harder and far worse for them

I think about you a lot - and yes - we have rain here too

[hugs] Decadian

But it's hard @Decadian

I feel like a little child screaming for their parents - and yet I am an adult.

I hope they have regrets of what they have done because I still can't let go of what she did and said to me. She has hurt me to my heart so much that I sometimes think I don't have a mum. (now I am sobbing)

I hate for what she has done and is still doing. She may think it's right but it is so wrong what they are doing. And as for my dad - well it's too late; he won't change and he won't listen. So the day that he dies if i don't get to see him then that is his regret. And if that does happen i will hate my mother even more.

It's too late for them to say to me 'we made a mistake' - well what about me; what about when i told her about my abuse and she yelled at me so much that i walked out; how can that be a mistake; and the time she told me i have betrayed the family - that's not a mistake; that's her stupid controlling behaviour and words -

it just hurts so much

ok i need to calm down otherwise my BP will go sky high/

omg - i can hear a kookaburra outside

@Faith-and-Hope

I tried to go to sleep but that didn't work; so now I am eating my way into a big bag of chips. which I should't but that's what emotions do to me.

I will put the tv on and see what's on. I have no idea how to put a DVD on, the kids do it all the time and they dont show me how to use it. Think i need to write down step by step guide.

I understand @BlueBay

I know what you mean - it was actually far too late for my parents - the damage had been done

But my father did see me in private until we both had to stop driving - and when he and I were alone in his room in hospital we had a long conversation - one of those conversations everyone should have

But my mother - after telling me 3 times in 5 minutes how they had gone about things in the wrong way - I knew she could not hear me saying it was okay - and really - for me it was water under the bridge

But when I was your age it was a different story - I would cry my eyes out on my birthday when I didn't even get a card - and when the phone was hung up in my ear and the door slammed in my face -

I was a disaster happening - I was a mess - and angry and hurt and possibly as confused - I really do get how you are feeling

Adding on over twenty years and those things are less important - my father did take things into his own hands and while he lived my mother and sister had to tone it down - but after he died my sister was up to her tricks and my mother lost the plot and really - all this time and I remember how I felt - and all of this including my son - he was rejected along with me - I feel a deep sad sorrow - which is some way is harder than the anger and hate I lived through

But what you are going through now is part of the process of finding yourself - the person you will be

Have you ever wondered how clued in I am with your life? I can answer that - we have lived through similar crap - and I am empathetic - not just sympathetic

I am sorry your life is like this -

Lots of hugs

Decadian

I might just take some of the <br><br> out of this .....

Hey @BlueBay

This is what I do when I feel like eating a whole big bag of chips .... I take a breakfast bowl and cut an apple into slices into it, then I put it on a dinner plate and fill around the apple bowl with chips on the dinner plate.

Then I make myself eat the apple before I can have the chips ....

And you know what .... ? The apple tastes great !!

It's fresh, and clean, and tastes wonderful, and it reminds me that emotional eating can be about healthy choices too .... and the chips aren't wrong .... or bad .... they are just a high energy food that your body can't use very much of unless you're about to go out jogging ..... so what is around the apple bowl is enough chips for now.

I can have some more chips later when I get hungry again, but only with a cheese and salad sandwich or something .... and you know what ?? The cheese and salad sandwich tastes great !!

We set our eyes on high energy junk foods and we forget that other foods taste good too. and the other foods nurture us better. We can choose nurturing foods, and at least add them in to fill us up and leave less room for "party foods".

That's what I do, and it helps me to keep balance in my life. I want to be strong and healthy to battle the other problems I have to deal with, so this is a deal I make with myself.

I hope that helps you too ....

❤

@Decadian

I did wonder how clued you are to my story. How in tune you are to me.

I know you are empathetic because you have gone through similar things as I have with reg. to parents.

That's exactly what I do - cry my heart out when I don't get a birthday card or my kids don't get birthday cards. Cry my heart out when it's Christmas, Easter or Mother's/Father's Day. All those little things still trigger lots of tears for me.

I had a little snooze; hubby and oldest son are home from work now. So not alone now.

Thank you @Decadian for your support, I always forget to ask about you and I am sorry. I hope you are okay. xxxooo

@BlueBay

I had the whole thing with not knowing about the tv remote or the DVDs. I let my son be master of that universe. I then made sure I did other things for my entertainment - study and music.

I also struggled greatly with extreme feelings of rage at my mother's betrayals. It is about control and its bloody difficult because obviously we dont want to live our lives from a position of rage.

Life is not fair. It is not fair to be abused and then betrayed. So maybe you need to find some more ways of channeling the anger. That is the only thing I can suggest otherwise it can be all consuming.

It is sad but the way you express your feeling about your mother does help me as I felt very destructive too, but managed to avoid acting out in the main part as I didnt want that as a legacy for my kids.

@Faith-and-Hope's image of her dinner plate was funny. I carry a bit of weight but for a long time I have worked on the crowd out bad food with good food. It works a lot. at least my organs are healthy and my son has good food values.

Of course we have the odd treat and chips etc ... but it is no longer that regular ... and yes sometimes we gorge ... we all do it ... just try and make it sometimes not all the time

take care

@BlueBay

💜💙

Can we have a poem about the kookaburra @BlueBay ?