having a bad morning

Oh thank you so much for your kind words @utopia.

I don't feel i am strong but i guess i am if i have gone through all this crap in my life and am still here.

You know she is the one missing out; she has missed out on so much of my last 5 years - my two children's 21st; my other child's 18th; our 25th and 30th wedding anniversary; my 50th birthday and my husbands 50th. It hurts so much but I can't change her.

I will never ever do what she has done to me. No way. I am going to be the best grandma (when the time comes) that I can be. I will be involved in my children's lives and if they have children i want to be involved in their lives as well.

Thank you for being proud of me; not many people have said that to me. It means a lot to me. xxxooo

Hi @BlueBay

I agree with what @utopia @Faith-and-Hope and others have said - I am so glad they have joined this thread - I am sorry - I was tired and went to sleep yesterday - back ache - went to bed early

It's as if both your parents have died - and this is worse for you because they actually haven't and you can't begin the grieving process yet -

And you MIL is totally past it and it really is too hard on your husband to visit - and you are ill too - and as my mother drove me away snarling at me - I have a pretty good idea this is neither the place not the time for you to start trying to help - and there is councelling for your husband - and for you too when you have been to hosptial and sorted yourself out

Your so-call friend is no friend - she was unkind - you may coming over to the ignorant as negative but here we have all been there at some time I am sure - I have been told "Stop being so negative - and think positive"

And the weird thing is I start to find myself private critizing their grammar - but I say "I am positive - I am positive this is not going to work out"

But when you have been to hospital and sorted yourself out - and don't cut it short - you will feel better and you will be able to go to councelling with your husband about your MIL and maybe seek grief councelling for yourself about your parents - there ar many kinds of loss - many kinds of grief

I am thinking about you

Decadian

Hi Utopia - you are most welcome

Apart from the food the Melbourne Cllinic was a good place to go when life became overwhelming and I am glad you father got help there too

So many years without a diagnosis - that is a serious crime - a societal crime

I used to do pottery - I liked it - I used to like making pinch pots - and I make stackes of them - I would do that again in a flash

But people wanted me to make something else - but no - I was happy making pinch pots

Maybe other people are more creative in that area - I tend to write - but I wish you the best @utopia

Decadian

Hi @utopia

Squishing things - ah yes - I remember when I was in Preps

I was one of those bright kids that are given more school work - and often wanted to do finger-painting - but it took a long time to happen

Then I was given a sheet of paper and blue gluey, sticky, icky,gunky stuff - and lifted my fingers out and must have had a disgusted look on my face

But pottery was fine - I liked the feel of that - I made some great pinch-pots but moved on down-sizing a few times since then and I have one in my back courtyard - but have no idea except someone breaking my herb-pot - I really liked that

I had forgotten plasticine - but I have squished dough - squishing things can give us a feeling of somekind of release - after all - squishing anything is something we can stop when we are through and not hurt anyone

Decadian

Hi @utopia @Decadian

You can buy air-dry clay in art and craft shops now .... @Decadian you can knock yourself out making pinch-pots with that stuff ! .... 😊

There are recipes around for something called Bakers' Clay - like play dough that you can bake to hardness in the oven, and then paint and varnish like papier-mache.

Something else I have made is "play dough for adults" ... you make up a cook-on-the-stovetop play dough, but instead of colouring it you drop a few drops of lavender oil and / or rose oil into it, along with some lavender flowers and crushed rose petals. It keeps for a good year or more in the fridge in a plastic zip-lock bag and plastic container.

Squish away @utopia ❣

Thanks @Decadian

It is grief - I feel that i am grieving for their loss (even though they are still alive).

It is so damn difficult to be treated like they have treated me. Part of me says stuff it I don't care about them anymore but then a big part of me says I miss them so much. But I think my wise mind is correct, I need to stay away so I can gain some strength and confidence and learn how to live WITHOUT my mum's controlling behaviour. You know up until 5 years ago I would confide with her on what to do with my life; i would always agree with whatever she said. it was like i never had an opinion or believed or trusted myself with whatever decision i had to make.

So i guess without her now I am learning to make my own decisions. It's not easy but i am slowly learning.

Re a grief counsellor I may bring this up with my psych at next session or when i am in hospital. I think i do need to talk and work through this grief.

Reg. MIL i think i will email our case manager and see if he will have a chat with hubby. my hubby likes our case manager so he may listen to him.

i am not even suggesting counselling for hubby, for the time being until i am out of hospital and ready for this.