having a bad morning

My hubby just called me as he left the nursing home - he is so stressed. he hates listening to his mum go on and on and on. Today she was going on that we never took her on holidays, we never took her out, we always want to be right; she needs money to go shopping. She can't go shopping she is in a njursing home with dementia that's getting worse.

And if she thought we were going to take her on OUR family holiday with OUR 3 children she had another coming. No way was i going to gtake her on our holiday. Each year we took out kids away for 2 weeks that was our holiday with our kids. it was so good to spend time with each other. i wasn't going to have her with us as well. it was bad enough that she lived with us for 20 years.

Gosh i am so angry this morning, how dare she say all this stuff now to my husband. she is saying to him oh you always have to be right. he said no you don't understand what i am trying to say.

I know this is going to sound horrible to a lot of people but some days i wish she wasn't here anymore. her demtia is so bad that she is causing so much grief and stress in my husband and my life.

i thought that by having her in aged care would alleviate the stress but i am now not so sure. it just gets worse.

i told my husband that maybe he needs to go once a week for a while, we maybe need to distance a little bit.

He really can't handle her at the moment. And i don't know what to do.

If it's not one thing it's another. I'm over it all.

Hi @BlueBay

I could write a mountain - but I am getting a stiff neck

About your mother in law - if she has dementia the she has no idea of what is what and I can tell you this

My mother would snarl - "Get outa here" - and one day I told her - "You have been driving me away all my life and if you do this today I am not coming back" She turned her face to the wall and didn't reply and I did not go back - until she was in hospital just before she died - she couldn't talk or hear - but I saw her regret - and I don't feel in the least guilty - no one was the right to treat us badly - and who wants to go somewhere and get snarled at

We can go to the zoo for that and feel okay about it

I don't know about feeling positive all the time - I am a pessimist and I like it

My ex boyfriend was an optimist - and his life was full of disappointments - oh - he had work hard - oh he deserved better - oh moan moan moan -

But as a pessimist I cover my bases and my life is full of wonderful surprises - see today - I expected it to rain and it's still sunny - I don't need to moan and groan - life works out for me

Of course I know I will fall in a hole from time to time - I expect that so I knew it would happen

Life is hard right now - maybe you are negative - maybe I am - I think we are what we are and you are overwhelmed right now - and I have not pulled any punches talking to you - and it seems okay -

So much is coming at you - you are wondering what's next

Decadian

---

@Sadgirl wrote:

Hi @Decadian @utopia @Faith-and-Hope

I told my therapist today about my co-worker/friend who told me yesterday that i am always negative. He said it's hard to hear the truth!!!

--------

I keep thinking about what she said and it's making me really angry, fragile, vulnerable and hate.

Hi @BlueBay,

wow, yeah, I agree that that must have been a really tough thing to hear... and from a friend, too.

Maybe try to think about all the good qualities your friend has and the ways she has been nice to you in the past. You know, no-one is all bad! You must like this person or she would not have become your friend in the first place.

Perhaps she spoke out of line. If you think about it, you have the right to be either negative or positive about your life, after all, it's your life, isn't it? And your friend has the absolute right to choose not to spend any time with you if she feels that you are being too negative.

But if you had a choice, which would you rather be? Negative or positive? Which would make your life more pleasant?

Your friend was just making an observation; but at this point in time you found it really hurtful. Maybe if you have a chance, you could tell her calmly that you were hurt by her comment and then ask her to give you some examples as to what you have said that sounded so negative to her. i know this is very confronting, but your friend would probably appreciate your honesty.

Some people can be very negative without even knowing it; it has become a habit for them.

I think this would be a great opportunity for you to explore your feelings with your therapist. You could learn something very interesting.

@Decadian @Faith-and-Hope

Thanks guys for your support.

@DecadianI know my MIL is not rational; her dementia is really bad. When hubby came home we took the dog for a walk and he said he is really stressed about going to see his mum. He doesn't know what to do. I said to him that maybe we need to not go so often for a while. And to speak to her doctor at the nursing home. I think he needs to talk to someone (counsellor) about his mum's dementia and the effect it has on him, me and the family.

He said that he hates staying there for too long because all he gets is the guilt story from her. So today he said to her while she was still carrying on that he was going as I wasn't well at home.

I feel for him because I can see how hard it is to see your own mum go downhill so quicikly to dementia.

But we and especially he shouldn't have to put up with her guilt trip against him.

I think I might email our case manager that we had over the last 2 years, he was fantastic. maybe hubby can call him and have a chat with him.

I still think counsellor is a better way to go; i have mentioned this to him many times even with regards to my mental health and he keeps saying oh no it's okay. It was even suggested at his work that he can get free counselling - again no. I know i would take up any free counselling!!!

I am feeling very light headed, i think it is the new med that is supposed to help with my BP. I took my BP before and it is still 160/100.

Knitting a new scarf, very fluffy and soft wool. Half way there. The other scarf I startted a few weeks ago i have finished but i don't like it; it is too wide so I will pull it apart when I finish this one and start again. Angry at not noticiing earlier.

@Decadian yes I do worry about 'what will happen next' but I guess i can't worry about it because nothing has happened yet.

Still fighting this damn depression and everything else.

You know, I was upset before while knitting. I was thinking of my mum and how everytime something happened in my family with the kids I would instantly ring mum and tell her about it.

I was thinking of my youngest son overseas and how i would love to tell my parents - but I can't andn i won't. But it makes me sad to know that i cannot share my happiness with anyone. Even the other night I thought in my head, ok i will grab the phone and call mum and tell her about whatever it was - then i stopped and thought no I can't do that, she isn't talking to me. She has been horrible to me.

Little things like that which i used to do automatically i can't do now.

And it hurts, it hurts a lot. Because i see the closeness of my friends with their mums; i see girls down the street with their mums - and i have no close relationship with my own mum.

I know it's for the best of my mental health - it is still sad 😞

I could write more about her - but maybe one day i will. for now i can't as the tears are starting and i better stop right now.

chat again later. xxxooo

Hi @BlueBay

Just stopping by to say hello ....

It sound like a few of these issues will sort themselves out with time ....

Your husband is getting to understand that his mum is hard work, and he will need to develop some self-support skills, and maybe take things up with counsellors, but he is going to have to acclimatise with all this by degrees ... at least you can keep offering advice about it, but it's up to him to accept it ...

Your friend, I think, was a bit rough with her opinion .... while she is entitled to believe that you view the world very negatively, with the responsibility of friendship comes the need to be gentle with other friend's feelings .... it would have been much better for her to have suggested that she can see some positives for you along with the negatives in your life, and maybe suggest something like .... for every two negatives you are battling at the moment, try to find at least one positive to even up the scale a bit .... it's not that positives aren't there .... it's just that we need to pull back the curtains of negativity a bit when there are lots of them, and go in search of a few positives to help even out the score !! Ask her to make herself useful and help hunt out some positives together, instead of criticising you for being upset about all the negatives .... that's a better way to help lift you out of the crappy stuff, which is what friends are for !

I have had a bad morning this morning @BlueBay. WH was overwhelmed by everything he was trying to get done ahead of jumping on the plane this morning, and was a real nasty-pasty .... I'm still reeling from it. He was so mean !! He expects us all to operate like his persona staff, while he over-commits his time with things he could pull back from - but no ..... he can't see any of that .... just threw a tanty and criticised me for everything not going the way he wanted under the intense pressure he builds up .... he's not well and he won't be handling his life circumstances properly until we can get him help ..... I so wish this denial stage would pass and he would start waking up .....

Anyway, he's outa here for the next ten days or so, so I'm gonna be a sloth and just do things on a have-to basis.

🌷💕

Gee @Faith-and-Hope I feel for you. It's hard when others put so much crap onto us and it's not even our fault. And they can be so stubborn as well when needing help. I guess until he sees himself that he needs help he won't do anything about it. But the problem is it's the ones around him that suffer and hurt.

Yeah my friend was a bit rough on me. She knows all the responsibilites put on me at work and yet she comes out with a comment like that.

You're right hubby needs to work things out himself, i can be there for him but he is the one that needs to seek help reg. his mum.

Hoping with time he will work out some strategies of how to cope.

Take care @Faith-and-Hope xxxooo

Thank you @utopia

Grief counsellor sounds like a good idea. I'll bring it up with my husband but i am not sure how he'll go. i have a feeling he will say oh no; it's okay. But maybe if he will go and talk to our case manager then he could persuade my husband to go to see a counsellor.

I'm lucky that I can talk on here without the fear of being judged. I struggle with my mum's ignorance about mental illness; about sexual abuse. I struggle with her not loving me; not supporting me or even caring. And then I think of little things that i would love to tell her - well i guess i will chat on here.

But I don't want a reconciliation just yet if at any time at all. I've been hurt so many times before by her that I can't let go. And for my dad to just sit there and listen to her lies; i just don't get it.