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I am feeling that my life at the moment is crap. I am so depressed and find that more so in the mornings. I hate myself so much, the way I feel, the way I act and behave. I know people will say to me 'oh just get over it' or 'you're not trying hard enough' - well to those people who say that: Do you have a mental illness; do you know what it's like to have depression and feel so dark that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; do you self harm to get rid of your emotions and to feel the pain; or do you think about suicide because it's all too much and you can't handle the pain anymore - NO. So don't tell me to just 'move on' or 'stop being too sensitive'.
I am not having a good morning this morning; tears are flowing as i am typing. And I have to get ready for work; damn work. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living and why?
I really don't know how i am going go today at work; I feel so depressed. 😞
I don't know exactly when I am going into hspital. i have to call my psych this week and see if he has done the paperwork.
I am trying to not think about tomorrow at the airport because thinking about it is making me emotional. my son is packing is bag now and getting all his clothes ready.
I hope you are having a nice day 🙂
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
Unknown userMember
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @BlueBay, I just wanted to try and reassure you about your son going overseas. My son went to Norway for 6 months on a student exchange when he was 18 yrs old, and I was seriously worried about him, not least because he's on the autism spectrum and really struggles with new things. It was really hard for him at first but by the end of the time, he didn't want to come home! It was the best thing he's ever done, and now he's saving to go back for a longer period. Our kids are much more capable and resilient than we fear they are 🙂
In response to: having a bad morning
Unknown userMember
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @BlueBay, Hope your day has improved & the high level of anxiety you're suffering lets up soon, gives you a break. Do you do any form of meditation to relax your muscles for a bit? Apparently if you can relax your muscles it tricks the brain to thinking you're relaxed, for the moment anyway. I only learned this last year, works. Didn't realise it works backwards.
Sounds like you covered some good ground with your therapist this morning & explored different options /:ways to see things. Sorry you feel talked down too, maybe its the emotions that throw them?? I think you're right that most counsellors don't know how it feels to suffer anxiety and intense emotions.
Do you find 1hr is never enough? I do so when i get home i journal the session, add things I would have liked to talk about & what i think he/she would say back or highlight it to ask next time.
I cry a lot in sessions too, once i went to a psychologist who, in the first session got annoyed with me & after only 10min he said. "I can't help you if you can't stop crying so, I'm going to go grab myself a coffee & when i come back, if you haven't stopped crying, you will have to leave" Well, i couldn't stop crying, left & drove up the mountains to highest lookout i knew, but somehow got lost & settled myself down in NOTICING... nature... &... LETTING... its goodness... into my soul... This is mindfulness, & self compassion I think. You deserve no less.
Therapy challenges us but i agree, looking after our mental health really is a good investment in the future. Even when you have to take some unpaid leave for a hospital stay as recommended or suggested by your therapist.
I use to feel offended when they labelled some of my reactions as "catatrophising' Try not to feel put down by the term as in our case the fears are also connecting to very real experiences, because of past trauma. As for 'black & white' thinking, we all do that now & then, takes many years to unlearn things & mellow & and realise the world is mostly different shades of gray. Tones everything down eventually. I'm still learning this. Being told you're 'self - centered' that's a bit inappropriate, in my opinion, of cause we're gonna be about 'self' in our own artificial therapy session. Some even teach denial of self but i think you have to accept it before you can fully chose to deny it (if that makes any sense?).
Just thinking (tapping) out loud ❤
We're all different, hope you don't mind me talking out of my own experience.
I'm glad for you that we have facebook these days. Only a century back (and in many countries today), all they had was snail mail via land or sea (not air). Correspondence often arrived after they all got home. I try to remind myself that worry (anxiety / fear) does nothing to help anybody or any thing. In fact, when i learned that worry could actually bring about that which I feared, i work real hard at replacing the thoughts with something better.
I'd love to hear more about your art therapy sessions, was that your first time (sorry, memory not too g👀d)? Tell me how / what they get you to do, why. Wonder where i can access classes myself. I'd love to paint.
Keep at it, don't give up. It does all add up to help, the important thing is you're not going backwards if you're trying.
You don't have to apologise for not asking how we are all the time sadgirl, we've nearly all been where you are, on & off and we understand, Besides, there's so many of us - i have to just live on the one page when I'm here. Only last Monday i myself was so distressed, almost beyond bearing, that i couldn't take in anyone else's anything. I get it. It takes a lot of effort to surface again. When you do give you are so warm, caring, understanding, encouraging, compassionate... Even funny at times. I've seen it. It's all there, part of the beautiful person you are, that is YOU.
Do you know Louise Hay? She's a well known seasoned international speaker who promotes self compassion & positive affirmations. Had to have a little chuckle thinking what she'd have yo say about the many negative words you (we) speak over our lives when we're down. In this instance the words "my stupid horrible world i live in in" Louise teaches 'what we speak out, even think, vibrates out into the universe as what we want & it comes back to us. I try to not speak it out at least, but thoughts, they can be so much harder to train. Have you heard this before?
Sad about your sister, that hurts i know. Its 4yrs since i talked to my sister now. But to feel shut out by ya mum as well, left out, ouch! , i know from my BPD traits how that triggers us. You deserve love! don't believe otherwise, be gentle with yourself, esp during anniversaries when that wave of pain intensifies. I know you do care deep down, maybe, how could you not? Maybe light a candle for your sister at these times, i do, it rests the soul, keeps your own heart pure - that's all you can really control.
Chin up 💜💕
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @BlueBay
You feel how you feel - feelings are what they are - and while not always the truth they are true for you at the time
Actually - it sounds better when I say "Feeling are always valid even if they are not sound"
Which - I am struglling to say - You are entitled to feel that way - no one can see the future - but it is hard to let go -
But as mothers it is something we all have to do
I will be thinking of you tomorrow - the reality is usually so much less than we imagine - but to balance that - the reality can also be far worse than we can ever prepare for
But I know you have to endure how you feel - and I understand this
Lots of virtual hugs
Decadian
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @Former-Member
I can imagine how worried you were for your son when he went overseas. And for 6 months not just 3 weeks like mine. OMG.
I know my son will be okay, he has his head screwed on right. He knows right from wrong. We have worked out how to use WhatsApp so we all can talk to him. He has added me on facebook so i can see him and his photos and I can also message him on facebook. I know tomorrow at the airport will be hard, I hate saying goodbye to people and it's even harder when it's your own children.
I am sure that once he gets back he will probably organise another trip. But he'll need to finish uni first. Thanks for reassuring me; it's hard being a mum isn't it.
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @Former-Member
I took the dog for a walk this afternoon before it rained. Then hubby and I took our two boys out for a coffee. It was nice just to catch up with both boys.
Helped go through the checklist of my son's suitcase and what he needs to bring. He is so excited and nervous.
Yes, my therapist is amazing. I have just written him a letter and emailed it to him. i thanked him for the past 5 years; i was a bit teary towards the end of my letter. I hope he reads it and appreciates what he has done for me.
No one hour is never enough but I guess it's better than 30 minutes i get with my psychiatrist. I tend to cry a lot in my sessions as well; but one thing my therapist has done a while ago is when he notices that my emotions are building up and I am not using my skills he gets up and walks out the room. i then say to him no pls don't go and i stop crying. But saying that he also will let me sit there and cry if i need to and he feels it is appropriate and me not just crying to get 'his attention'. For me it does work and it has helped with me controlling my emotions at times. Doesn't work all the time. Mind you he hasn't walked out for quite a while.
When my therapist tells me i catastrophise I don't see it until later on. At the time I don't get it; but then when i reflect back and it could be a few minutes to a few hours, i do see that it was a catastrophic behaviour.
Art therapy - yes it was my first time. I was very anxious and didn't really wnat to join in but the therapist was fantastic. i spoke to her beforehand so she knew how i was feeling. Started off drawing a leaf flat on the paper from the inside out. It felt awkward but i did draw it. Then i had to draw the same thing from the outside in. Well the tears started to flow, the inner voices were saying how stupid i am, i can't do it, i want to run away. The therapist noticed and came and sat next to me. we talked about my emotions and worked out that i am calmer and felt better when i worked by drawing from the inside out. which meant i need to work on my issues from the inside out.
it ended up being an okay session. it was 3 hours in total. by the end i was exhausted. i will go back either this tuesday or the following.
i have heard of Louise Hays - i tried to do her self compassion meditation but i had to stop it was too triggering for me. i was a crying mess.
thank you @Former-Member for your reply, i appreciate it. take care, hope you're doing okay. xxxooo
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @Decadian
I guess feelings are feelings and that is just how I am at the moment.
I will miss my son tomorrow and it will be sad to say goodbye at the airport - but i know it is a fantastic opportunity for him. it's an adventure and one he will remember forever.
I need to stay strong for him, but I just heard my daughter say to him - "i bet mum will cry tomorrow at the airport". I said oh well it doesn't matter if i cry; it's a big step to go overseas on his own.
My daughter says - yep i couldn't do it. So i am very proud of my son.
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
I could not refuse permission for my daughters to travel. Travel was a key experience for me and it also keeping extended family links going. Their aunt invited them each in year 10. Her brother (my ex) grumbled about the aunt's motivations, but I was so sick of his grumbling about everyone and everything. I thought it wrong to actively block a good opportunity for children. So they both headed off for a 6 month experience of school in the US at the tender age of 15. We do what we believe is right.
Letting go is so important and you will manage @BlueBay. Yes feelings are feelings. They make us human.
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @BlueBay
I don't know if I posted this last night or not - I know I am terrible at typing in bed
My daughter first moved in with her boyfriend whe she was 17 - and had an apprenticeship - so she would come home for peace to study at times - but she had taken her budgie and her life somewhere else with our permission and our backup
So - not long after that - I finally convinced my ex to leave - and had the place to myself - and with work and studies I was fine
And at work - I got a frantic phonecall - "Can you pick me up and help me move my stuff home before my boyfriend gets home from work"
So I left work early and had to make several trips - the worst was at the roundabout when I had the budgie in the cage in the front seat - and she had a hissy fit right then and I felt like I was in a snow storm for a while - in peak hour traffic of course
The few months there were just the two of us together were wonderful - but she had made that step away and she met the man she married - and moved in with him and one of this children - and that was it - she finished her apprenticeship - their planned baby was on the way and she was married
I am proud of her too - she got Apprentice of the Year and was advanced in pregnancy trying to get into some of my clothes for the presentation - I am taller than her - and back then - thin but a size larger - I can't remember what she wore now - but that loose white shirt didn't get back to me for months - I think she wore that
After she married I moved out of the 2 bedroom unit I could not afford - and found a one bedroom place - graduated from university - and life changed so completely in such a short space of time - I often wonder
When it comes to our kids - we worry - we would not be normal if we did not
And it The Prophet it says something like
Our children are like the arrows sent from the bow that propels them - and the creator loves the bow as much as he loves the arrows
But they have to go - yes
I am sending you all the love I can - I do know
Decadian
In response to: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Therapy was shit today. Got worse as the day went on. Art was so so emotional.
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