Need time to myself

@Drac0 you always know what to say. Thank you so much for just being here for me.

I find it difficult to sit quietly and think - I get too upset. But maybe tomorrow's sessions with my psych and then my DBT therapist will help. I don't know anymore, i sometimes think it's easier to just give in. It's too hard sometimes to deal with things that are either too painful or too confronting. And i really don't know if i am strong enough to deal with all of this.

I hate myself for the way i treat my husband and kids. You know last night I wrote a draft email to my therapist telling her i just want to go forever. But something is keeping me here and i know it's my kids. no one else but them. they are so precious to me that i could think of life without them. (now i am crying)

@Drac0 I am just such a horrible wife who is going through a real shit time with depression, BPD, anxiety and probably (not probably, most likely) menopause!!!! And it's hard to explain to others how i am feeling.

My head is so screwed up, I can't deal with everything. OK, maybe you're right, baby steps. Maybe today i can stop and think about doing something small even it it's being more open to my psych tomorrow. I will write down some points and take it with me.

That's my trouble is that i put so much pressure on myself to 'fix' things now and fix them all. But I can't, i don't have the strength to fight it all at once. I am not strong emotionally to deal with any of this. God, sometimes i wish i could just disappear forever. i think that my own family don't want me like this; god i am so angry with myself. i need to stop typing and calm myself down. need to go outside to change the scenery and distract myself. 😞

You know @BlueBay, a lot of times when I sit here to type a reply I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to write. Then I go on & surprise myself. Sometimes something will come into my head that I've never really considered doing myself, until that very moment. My last post is that way.

Like you, I've always wanted to solve everything, fix it all at once. Hated how everything was going in my life, just wanted to be normal - whatever that is. So that's what I did. Eventually things did improve but it was many struggles over many years. I've never thought once of trying to deal with just one issue at a time. Until last night that is. Maybe it's a way I can help myself more now.

Trying to be more honest & open with your psych/therapist sounds like a great place to start. We all struggle with telling people about what's really going on. But to be able to help us as best they can these people need to know as much as possible. If we talk to them like we post on here, with bits and pieces all over the place, I guess it makes it hard for them to get the full picture. Sadly we aren't their only concern and they don't have the time to sit there & make connections. We need to lay it right out for them.

If you can do that one thing, maybe they can help you come up with the next thing to work on. And if both you and your support team are all on the same page, striving for the same goal, just maybe it will be a little easier to get there. Step by step, one issue at a time.

Don't try to deal with everything all at once, just take it one thing at a time.

It is hard to tell people things. It's hard to deal with it ourselves a lot of the time. But that doesn't make us, you, me or anyone with a MI, bad or horrible people. It just means we're struggling. The fact that we have trouble coping with what others seem to deal with easily doesn't make us any less of a person.

Of course your family doesn't want you like this, they want to see you happy. But guess what. Despite everything - how you feel, how you act, how you struggle - THEY ARE STILL THERE WITH YOU! And I really think that means something.

Take care.

Hi @Drac0

I know I could be doing so much today at home but the motivation is not there. Maybe it's because I am still recovering from my asthma/chest infection. I just want to do so much around the house.

I agree with you, if I tell my support people bits and pieces they will not be able to 'join the dots' in the session. I need to lay it all out to them and be honest. But it's scary at times. I feel so vulnerable. I feel that if I do i won't be able to stop crying.

I know that even though I am a real horrible person to my husband and children at times, that they are still here for me. So I guess they must still care about me; it's me that doesn't care about me. I have so much so confidence at the moment. Part of me really doesnt' care about my life anymore; but then a part of me does.

When you say that you did improve but it took many struggles - how did you keep going? What kept you going?

For today, I am going to clean the kitchen doors, they are looking not very clean!! And then I will rest up a bit and then organise dinner for tonight. All the kids are home tonight so we are having our Easter familyh dinner tonight. I am looking forward to having dinner together. It's not very often we can get all kids home at the one time because of their work commitments.

I know I am blessed to have a husband who is still with me and hasn't left and I have 3 adult children who haven't left home yet, maybe because they love my cooking!!! I guess I must be doing something right.

It's just hard sometimes when I feel so down to get back up again.

OK, today is another day, the sun is out and i better go and clean up.

I hope you have a nice day @Drac0. What are you up to?

Chat soon

So today I emailed my DBT therapist with a poem about my thoughts/feelings at the moment. To my surprise she emailed back and said that my poem says a lot about me - I am very unhappy. She said we will talk about it tomorrow in session and work out where we go from there. Immediately I thought, thats it she doesn't want to see me anymore; she can't help me; she is abandoning me (a classic example of BPD). I replied back to her saying having i done something wrong to be reviewed and i asked her if she is not going to see me anymore. She replied again saying, no don't stress we are going to look at where we go from here. She said my mind has been a bit chaotic lately and with me being not well and in hospital everything has gone haywire.

She also told me that she suspected i was doubting my life a while ago when she joined the dots together from my previous conversations with her in our sessions. And she said she couldn't say anything until I mentioned it - well now I have; so i guess we will have to talk about it.

Feeling anxious about session tomorrow with my psych. his session is first at 1.30pm then i see my DBT therapist at 5pm.

i hope i can at least talk some of it through and disocciate while there because thats what happens to me a bit when I get so emotional.

Hello @BlueBay

Some people believe it is more honest to doubt, that it is the ones with the doubts that casue more problems. It can be difficult holding that doubt and still moving on, but you do. You clean the doors and cook great meals, but it is more than that. Your presence is important for your family.

Go gently with your self.

Today I had my psych session and my DBT therapist session. I wasn't feeling too great when i walked into my psych's room. i showed him a note i had written the other night saying how horrible person i am; a terrible wife, mother and i just want this to stop; all of it. I also wrote him a letter telling him how angry i was with him in the previous session and how he doesn't validate me. he read both notes and agreed that he needs to validate me more and not be straight down the line with his responses. he thought he could challenge me and i would handle it okay but he said aftger reading these notes today he has realised that i am struggling and he will now watch what he says to me; he realises that my anxiety has escalated after each session. i told him about my doubts i have with myself, my life, my marriage and he said it has been very difficult for me to have MIL with us for 20 years. That is a huge chunk out of my 30 yr marriage. and he said now it's like we are starting again to find each other again. he said i am very stressed and depressed so he has no increase my meds to help my mood. he said if hubby and i can start to go away for weekends together and hopefully work on our relationship. we talked about suicide and self harm and all i could do was cry. he saw me today at my lowest and i think he finally gets how i really am. i am so glad that i wrote him that note and he got to read it.

I then had my sessioin with my DBT therapist. I couldn't stop crying, telling her i doubt my life and don't know what to do. I told her i am having lots of trouble being intimate with my husband, not wanting to do anything at all and we spoke about my huge fear of me getting better for fear of then been abandoned as the therapist and psych will tell me - you're okay now you don't need to come anymore. but she clarified that and said i can still see someone even when i am better. but i still fear this so much; we also talked about validating myself and others and we are gong to work on this together.

finally i think i have two great suport people - my psych and my therapist. they both are understanding where i am coming from; how i am not coping and what we need to do to help me.

i am so exhausted as all i have done today is cry. i still have horrible negative thoughts tonight but i have just been talking to lifeline; they helped me for tonight. but tomorrow i will call my psych and tell him about these recurring thoughts and how i contacted lifeline tonight. i hope he doesn't get angry with me.

i am so scared of these thoughts; i feel so vulnerable and all i can do is cry. need to get some sleep. i have to go bafck to work tomorrow; another hurdle i have to cross as i haven't been at work for more than a week as i was in hospital.

too much to think and worry about; can't do this anymore; it's getting too hard to cope with. my head feels like a huge tangled web with so many criss crosses and it is frustrating.

i hope i can sleep tonight. i wish this would all go away 😞