Need time to myself

OK @Drac0 I have read your post and re-read it again.

You're right, you don't need to have a mental illness to want to have time alone.

Why can't I do it? Do I feel guilty because I feel that I don't deserve to be pampered or have time to myself. I feel guilty because it's me and not my husband who has time alone.

Yes now that MIL is in care, I should be happy, free and have more time. I do feel free in a sense because now I can be home and not have to worry that she is there as well. Just yesterday I was home alone and thought to myself 'great she is going to wake up and come downstairs soon' and then thought 'no hang on she isn't here anymore' i don't have to worry about that anymore. It is still going to take time.

Why do i need for someone else to give me a reason to get away? That is a good question. One that I don't know, perhaps it's guilt, perhaps it's my mum talking saying 'oh good for you'. Everytime hubby and I would take the kids away she would always comment in a negative way like 'oh yeah good for you' or 'gee you must have a lot of money'. She and dad never went away and its like she is jealous.

Yes, on top of all this I still feel abandoned by my parents. I hate my mum for how she has treated me over the past 6 years and my dad doesn't say anything. i sometimes wish he would stick up for me, for his kids but no he always sides with her and he probably has no choice.

@Drac0 you have posgted some great thougths for me to think about. Am I scared? Maybe. Am I scared that if I tell hubby I want time alone he will think splitting up, he will think the worst. I really don't know.

Or am I expecting too much. Should I just put up with my marriage, he does do a lot for me. I need to go out now but I will be back on later with more thoughts.

Hi @Drac0

I need your help. What do I do? You know I happened to look up on goole (dependant personality) and that is exactly me!!! I can't believe everything I read is what I do. Dependent on others to make choices and reassurance; others to assume responsibility for major areas of their life; difficulty disagreeing with others out of fear; struggle to start projects on their own; make themselves responsible when things go bad; high need for validation and approval from others; unable to create or defend personal boundaries. That is so me.

What is wrong with me? OK @Drac0 I may need some more info from you reg. this. Maybe there is nothing to worry about, but there is - because I can't even have some time to myself and when I do I feel guilty.

I give up, I don't know anymore. 😞

I'm sorry maybe I am on here far too much; I just need to vent out sometimes and I know I can go on a bit at times. Maybe i need to just go away forever. No that's not an option.

you know Easter is meant to be about family, peace, love and forgiving - my damn parents don't want that; and it hurts to know that I won't see them. But I at least have my 3 children and my husband. Where as some don't have any children or partners. I should be thankful and for what I have. Instead of complaining. 😞

@Drac0

I'm glad you came back on, I was waiting for your reply. You haven't upset me, I am just angry at myself, always thinking why me; why have these things happened to me (abuse); etc etc

I know nothing has changed, things are still the same and your post is from someone with a different perspective and I tend to agree. Although I haven't told my psych or therapist what I've been saying on here it is time I do.

You have made me think - yes if I did go away for a break - what if hubby and kids don't want me back? that's rejection, abandonment, just like my parents did to me. And that hurt so much. I never want to go through that again. It was bad enough twice in 6 years, never again.

That's why I feel that I keep everyone happy for the sake of no more trouble, no more fights, screams, abuse etc etc. I have all my life been a 'people pleaser'. Even when talking to my parents and siblings and we would get together, I was always keeping the peace, agreeing with everyone even if I didn't really agree for the sake of keeping it altogether for everyone. And looking back now I have never given my opinion or said much to the family for fear of being judged, ridiculed and laughed at.

@Drac0 i really appreciate your post, your comments and support. I am in no way angry with you for posting. It has opened up my eyes a lot and something to think about to talk to my psych or DBT therapist. I will talk to them about this post because i have never put it all together and spoken to someone about it.

Thank you @Drac0

I will keep this in my mind for a few more days until I see my DBT therapist on Tuesday afternoon. I'm also seeing my psych on Tuesday but 1/2 hr session is not long enough; although i will bring it up with him.

I will try to have a nice Easter tomorrow with my husband. Going to see his mum in nursing home in the morning then we have rest of day. We will then have our family Easter dinner on Monday night when all kids are home and we can be altogether. Something I always look forward to - sharing a meal with my children altogether.

I hope @Drac0 you have a nice Easter day tomorrow. Take care and chat soon

ps. thank you for allowing me to vent, rant and rave and expressing my feelings and emotions on here. I struggle doing this with the ones close to me for fear of rejection.

Hi @Drac0

The bamboo is the little ones you buy in pots. I have put it in the study with my other positive ornaments I have.

I have to tell you that last night I was thinking in my head that I was going to write a letter to my psych telling him I'm a terrible wife and mum and it is time for me to go. In my head I had it all planned. I then cried myself to sleep quietly as my husband was next to me. Something happened with regards to our intimacy (can't explain anymore than that) and it's all my fault. I am to blame for this and everything else.

In my head I had written a goodbye letter to my psych and I was then telling my DBT therapist.

OMG I have so much to talk about on Tuesday, I don't know if I can. I am so embarassed, ashamed, hate myself so much for my behaviour.

Today wasn't too bad, although I am very closed in towards myself. I am in a real shitty mood.

I don't know what to do; I hate it