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Need time to myself

BlueBaySenior Contributor12 Mar 2016, 11:51 am AEDT

Need time to myself

Hi everyone

I've been suffering mental illness for a while (years) and have been doing everything for everyone over the past 30 years of my married life. If it wasn't for the kids (which I don't mind doing) it is for my husband or for his mum or for my parents (when they were talking to me). It was me for everyone else except myself.

So now I feel that I want and need to have time to myself. And not just an hour here and there. I would love to go away for a night or weekend just on my own. Wake up when i want, eat when and what I want and just do things that i want to do without worrying about anyone else.

But the problem is - how? How do I go away or even bring up the idea to my husband. He will think something is wrong, he will think I want to leave our marriage. We have always done everything together and that is probably my fault. Because I think that growing up I always wanted someone with me.

I would love to just hop on a plane and go someone on my own, just some time to myself to be me.

The only time this has ever happened was when i was admitted to a mental health facility and I was there for 2 weeks. It was heaven. I could do what I wanted (more or less), joined in groups, acitivies. I was allowed to go for walks on my own; I was able to stay in my own room during the day if I wanted to; I was able to just sit with a coffee at the cafe at the hospital. I was able to just be me.

That is why I so much want to go back in there. I can regroup myself, refocus on life, things that are important. I can just be on my own.

I'm not saying I want to leave my husband or children, that I don't think I want. I just want to be free a little for some of the time.

But I don't know how to get this across to my husband. Now I am feeling anxious and teary because I feel that I am to blame; that I should be home with him and the kids.

I just wish soimetimes I could just run away and be on my own.

Any advice would be great.

88 replies

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In response to: Need time to myself

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Mar 2016, 7:48 pm AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Hi @Appleblossom
Still in hospital. Had a terrible reaction to antibiotic with severe diarrhoea most of the night and all morning. Agony. Today is my sons birthday and I thought I would be home but no such luck after last night.
Better go I'm not feeling too great.
Chat again soon.

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Mar 2016, 3:06 pm AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Sorry I didnt reply, didnt see this post til now.

Take care @BlueBay It helps when some people are caring even when it is their job. Some people are "people people". I had a good massage last week with a lady who just knew how to say all the right things to make me feel better. I am not good at that but "have a go".

Hope today is better.

In response to: Need time to myself

BlueBaySenior Contributor23 Mar 2016, 7:59 am AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Hey @Drac0

I've been thinking.

I had a session with my DBT therapist last night after 2 weeks of not been able to see her. We discussed my session with my psych and my hospital stay. And why it is so important for me to need a break for myself.

After a while of talking, I broke down. I told my therapist 'why am i doubting things' and she asked what was I doubting. I told her I am doubting my marriage. And that if my husband saw me now or heard me now he would be very upset. I told her after having his mum with us for 20 years my life was sort of 'locked in' to having her there. But now that she is in a nursing home, I can now see that I want a life; I want to do things (not sure yet what) but I want a change. It doesn't mean a divorce, because that's not me. I want things to work out; but I am so scared in telling him that I am not that happy.

I want and need time to myself and this is why I so much want to go to MHU becasue it is easier to tell hubby that my psych wnts me in there rather than me have to discuss why i want to be on my own.

I have these visions at times of me being on my own at a nice warn resort, just me, my book, (now I am crying) ...........

My therapist said that I need to talk to someone about this and if I can't talk to hubby then I need to talk to either her or my psych.

Don't get me wrong - he is not a horrible husband or person. He would do anything for me and would be devastated if he knew I even had doubts. we do a bit together - walks, beach, coffees, movies, shopping. But maybe we do too much together and I have no 'me' time.

I don't know if this is what you were thinking and going to write to me - but it got me thinking that maybe that's what it was. I could be completely wrong though.

There is so much that I have to work on but first I need to get better physically or I'll end up back in hospital. I think our 6 month plan that we have talked about is to fix our home a little, put it on the market, sell and downsize to a place with very little garden. That way we will have more time to explore what we want to do in life, in the future. And I want a house thta is what we pick ourselves and not influenced by my parents. No more, this time our house will be our house.

I don't know @Drac0 if this is making any sense. I hope it does.

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

BlueBaySenior Contributor23 Mar 2016, 2:16 pm AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Hey @Drac0

I have made a decision - I am going to be totally honest with my psych next Tuesday when I see him. I am going to tell him the truth about the reasons why i want to go to MHU. He needs to know the real reason behind it - wanting a break from home.

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

Drac0Senior Contributor24 Mar 2016, 1:18 am AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Hi @BlueBay, sorry I haven't been around but had a little bit of a rough week myself.

Glad you're going to talk to the psych more about your thinking on why you want a break at the MHU. I don't think it will make him anymore likely to do it, but it may help for him to know.

What you say does touch in some ways with what I was thinking but not quite there yet. Especially the need to have someone else as the reason you're having a break. I will post my thoughts soon, certainly before Tuesday. Maybe it will be something you can find useful.

Wanting some 'me time' isn't a bad thing, it's about self care. Maybe soon you can find a way to discuss it with the hubby/family in a way that won't seem confrontational, that doesn't make you feel they will think you want out of everything.

I hope you can find some solution for this soon. Fixing/selling/moving is going to add it's own pressures to your life & having this sitting in the background won't make it any easier.

Take care, get your physical health up & look after yourself!

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

BlueBaySenior Contributor24 Mar 2016, 8:33 am AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

@Drac0 you are keeping me in suspense!!!!

I think I have too much on my mind at the moment, too many changes in my life and I need to slow down and tackle one issue at a time. If I try to work on everything I will get so confused, frustrated and angry with myself.

OK, so maybe I work on myself, my self esteem and confidence. And what I want in my life for the next however many years.

Next, I need to talk to my psych this coming Tuesday about why I want to go into a MHU. You're right he may not still put me in; but at least he will (hopefully0 understand where I am coming from.

Actually, first thing I need to work on - is my physical health. I need to get better so then I can handle my mental health. You're right @Drac0

The house is another big issue - by selling it will help with our finances and that is a big part of why I have to work. If I had my way I would only work 2-3 days a week. And by selling and moving it will be a 'fresh start' for all of us especially my hubby and I. All our married life we have purchased homes from my parents and it never felt like 'our home'. So my moving and choosing something that we love for us and no one else - that would be fantastic achievement. That would be one of my dreams to have my own home and without my MIL there with us. That's how it should have been all those years ago and maybe a part of me has regrets in having her with us (actually a big part of me has regrets) but at the time it happened and I can't go back now and change it. But 20 years is a long time out of my life, a big chunk out of my 30 yrs of marriage.

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

Drac0Senior Contributor24 Mar 2016, 4:58 pm AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Sorry for keeping you in suspense @BlueBay, it is far from intentional. I just worry about how what I say will affect you. You have enough on your plate without some unqualified, anonymous yobo on the internet adding to them.

I guess I'm also hoping a little that maybe you will find your way there yourself, removing the need for me to place it in front of you. I read a lot here, then spend probably too much time thinking about it. I make connections between things that are said. Are these real, is there anything to actually connect them? I don't know, maybe I'm like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, seeing things that aren't there.

But over the last month I've picked up on a number of things that you've said in various posts on the forums. On their own they aren't much & fit into the context where they were used. But I also see the same things being said in a different way in other unrelated posts. And when I look at the different words & where/how they are used it does suggest something, at least to me.

What I might do, only if you're up to it & agree, is tonight or tomorrow post some of the things I've been pondering. Perhaps then you may even come to the same point I have. But I'll only do it if you're fine with it.

Either way I will post my own thoughts by Sunday night to give you time to decide what you think about it before seeing your psych on Tuesday. That's simply because if there is anything to it you might want to discuss it.

Enough of that for now anyway. 🙂

It really sounds like getting a new place will mean so much more to you than it does to a lot of people. A huge break from what's happened in the past, finding a space that will very much be yours. I hope it works out well for you.

Take care, talk to you later.

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

BlueBaySenior Contributor24 Mar 2016, 5:11 pm AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

Hey @Drac0

I'm ready for it!! Whatever you write I won't be angry or upset (well I don't know what you're going to write yet!!). But truly, I think I need someone else to give me a few hints. You see I write on here but don't really correlate any of the posts together like you say you do. That's pretty good that you can do that because there are so many posts on here, I would forget what I have read from one post to another.

I think sometimes I need for someone to put it out in front of me so I can clearly see it; because I don't see it or maybe I don't want to see it. But for me to move forward I need to face everything and then talk about it with either my psych on Tuesday or my DBT therapist. I think for too long now I have been hiding away from my emotions and feelings. I've been putting on a brave face that everything is fine but in reality it's not all fine. Even my DBT therapist told me last Tuesday that I pretend to be good just so everyone can think I am doing fine, but I am hurting so much inside. I just can't do this anymore.

But I really thank you for being a great support to me, even though I don't know you, I feel that you understand.

@Drac0 I don't want to pressure you in posting something that you may feel will not help me. I trust that whatever you write will be for my benefit in seeing what it is and getting help.

And do you know what? If I do get upset with what you write - well so be it. I think sometimes I need to hear it from others and not live in my own little world where I think reality is not real. And I still live at times in my own little world. But I think a lot of it is from being abandoned by my parents from a young age when i was sexually abused as well as 6 yrs ago. It is the child in me that is craving for love; craving for support, nurturing and hugs.

Maybe if I could just let my hubby into my world and let him in on how i am feeling - then maybe he can help me; he can give me a hug and support.

ps. I know you're not keeping me in suspense intentionally!! All good here.

I hope you are doinog okay, i seem to write so much about me on here that I don't even ask about you and how you are travelling.

Talk later, thank you again 🙂

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

Drac0Senior Contributor24 Mar 2016, 5:43 pm AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

While I can remember things that people say @BlueBay, recalling WHERE they said it is a different matter. Especially with someone who is an active poster. It's like 'now which thread was that said in'. And of course I struggle to find it again when I want to.

You say:
" I think for too long now I have been hiding away from my emotions and feelings. I've been putting on a brave face that everything is fine but in reality it's not all fine. Even my DBT therapist told me last Tuesday that I pretend to be good just so everyone can think I am doing fine, but I am hurting so much inside. "

I think you will find this something very, very common. I certainly do it when forced to interact with others. But you may be coming to where you do need to open up to others more, at least to your husband & children. You know it's not easy, otherwise you would have done it long before now.

I'm ok today, though the last week was a little rough. Organising & attending my mothers birthday party, then spending time with relatives over the next few days drained me emotionally & mentally. All the while I've had a couple of physical things to deal with. Thankfully I have nothing on this long weekend so can rest & relax. Except my brother is coming down to stay at mum's & is likely to want to go fishing. Don't know if I'm up for that yet.

You take care & I will post some thoughts later.

In response to: Re: Need time to myself

Drac0Senior Contributor26 Mar 2016, 6:01 am AEDT

Re: Need time to myself

A little later posting this than I intended @BlueBay but here goes......remember that it may all mean nothing.

Wanting time alone is a normal thing, don't need a MI to want that. Time to rest, recuperate or even be a little pampered. Completely normal. But you maybe need to look at why you feel you can't do it.

You feel you can't tell your husband, that he may feel there is a problem.
You think you aren't doing enough for your family, that you should be doing more.
Now that MiL is in care you have more time but are still unable to go out & do things for yourself.
You say you feel 'guilty' on the rare occasions you do go out for some alone time.
You seem to have a need for someone else to give you a reason to get away.
On top of all that, you feel abandonment & rejection by your mother & siblings.

Is there something there? Maybe, maybe not. Any thoughts?

Take care.

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