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Birthday Times

Unknown userMember09 Mar 2016, 4:15 am AEDT

Birthday Times

BIRTHDAYS Hi all, every birthday month, since my youngest child died, & left me alone, suicidal thoughts intensify as i reevaluate if i can push through another year (does anyone else get that?). I have one living child, a 25yo son who lives away & determined to prove he doesn't need his mum. Visited him on the w'end & it didn't go well (cause i took my little dog) and i cried the 3hr journey home. Its so hard. My mother 1200k away is battling adenocarcenoma diagnosis that's just starting to grow faster. I want to help but can't handle her abuse & history & the two hovering argumentative brothers who have paranoid psychosis. Dad's in early dementia I & mar misses the man she was so dependant on. Because of my p/t comm support work mum thinks I'm a gov spy connected to Gardianship Board. Any attempts to help by cleaning or making suggestions is interpreted as criticism. She can be so vulgar and got the dr & authorities fooles she's coping. I don't know what to do with them all & my son & my sistet who cut me off after my breakdown when my girl died. Its all out of control & screams at me to disappear. My house is a mess & i'm having trouble conquering the kitchen sink much less the clutter. Anyway, just needed to tell someone, hope it doesn't depress you beautiful souls.

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In response to: Birthday Times

AppleblossomSenior Contributor11 Mar 2016, 9:57 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Birthdays and anniversaries are difficult for me too. I do much the same as you. My birthday is ciming up before Easter and I have planned to be busy singing to distract myself from my loneliness..

Yes you have a definite right to protect yourself. It is sad when it is necessary to protect yourself from those who are closest.

It is also difficult to support a young man trying to prove his independant. At least you are available for him.

My mother wasnt even aware that I was dealing with extra deaths to talk about it with me, as there was always too much going on, and life was always about her. I can understand a need to withdraw. I set boundaries on my feelings and my time with my mother as she was dying. I did visit her, but she was a lot closer.

Eventually your son might be receptive.

Take care

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember11 Mar 2016, 5:35 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Thanks for your comments & affirming need to set boundaries with people i need, for my own MH. Appreciate outsiders perspective. Progress today, took a shower (fees good) & cooked some bulk healthy food to freeze. Also sorted a box & chucked a bag full (hard throwing things away & watered the garden. Even have a load of washing on. I've had to stop & rest a lot & found myself sitting staring a few times but still done more than any other day all week. My muscles ache though (thus the rests). Had a lovely call from an unexpected call from an old friend today which was lovely. My son is quiet. Hard for me to give him space sometimes bit know i must.

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor11 Mar 2016, 11:58 pm AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hi @Former-Member. Good to hear you got a little active today. My turn this weekend I think, get things where they should be - if I feel up to it. Maybe time for another quote.

"Let whatever you do today be enough. Let go of the judgement you have about what you should be or could be doing, and today, allow yourself to simply be. Comparing yourself and your journey may be habitual, but it gets you nowhere. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. So stop fixating on where everyone else is, and start giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough. You are enough."

— Daniell Koepke

Take care

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember13 Mar 2016, 12:20 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Saturday night online 😞
Actually invited out for morning tea today which was nice & my son sounds more at peace & an old friend surfaced - glad to see me. Haven't got much done with the house but when nobody else sees it its hard to get motivated. Something minor sent me into a rage tonight & now i'm teary & don't understand why, can't make the internal connect. Time for a cuppa & praypraypray, stay away from grg & barbs, wish i had someone in the flesh to talk to

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor13 Mar 2016, 12:52 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Hey @Former-Member, nothing wrong with Saturday night online.

Sounds like you had so good things going today. I know about the cleaning thing - got a pest inspection on Wednesday then my sister flying in on Thursday & will spend one night here before going to my other sisters to stay so I really HAVE to do some cleaning soon. Haven't started yet.

Something minor sending you into a rage is something I know well, though I have it a lot more under control now. Afterwards it can make you feel so bad & upset when you just know it WAS a major overreaction. I don't think you have mentioned anywhere what your diagnosis is or if you've had one. BPD, Bipolar, something else? If you don't want to say, that's fine.

Enjoy the cuppa, relax a little & though it's slow & not face to face, I'll be around for a while if you want to chat. My responses can be a little slow simply because I generally think a lot before I respond.

Take care.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember13 Mar 2016, 2:23 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

My diagnosis, long hospital admission in my mid 20s concluded bpd (which i disregarded for a long time because they also said it didn't mean anything really), also anxiety & depression which 1/2 the world seems to have anyway. More recent days ptsd & complicated grief. I've wondered if its bipolar, because of the highs the pros don't see but probably not. Don't think there's any though some may call my prayer life & talking to mg passed daughter delusional. Basically i don't find labels useful. I've always fallen through the cracks. Are you familiar with the disconnected rage? I just put it down to trauma build up. Trouble is it can make me phase (detach/float/dissociate) whichfrightens me what i can do like t jgat, its been when i have done weird things, self harmed, reckless - numb. Not there yet tonight but close. Anyway, labels haven't helped me, i have little faith in the MH system & medicine in general. Anyway, hope i get some sleep, maybe one of you up to a chat. Tomorrows a new start. Read a timely proverb i read today: "a moment of patience when angry saves a hundred hours of regret"

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor13 Mar 2016, 3:01 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

I don't think of them as labels anymore @Former-Member. They are just a diagnosis & a path to treatment & better mental health. Terrible they said BPD 'didn't mean anything'. That's astounding!

Bipolar is a possibility. I know before my diagnosis I had a lot of trouble getting the highs across to the doctors. I was always so down when I saw them. I understand the rage all too well. It is frightening & emotionally upsetting after it leaves. Really hope you don't get there tonight.

Sadly I've found we can't avoid the medical world. I know what I was like before proper diagnosis & medication. I hope you aren't avoiding it all @Former-Member. It can really make the world of difference.

It is a good quote, I've seen it before. But sometimes we don't get the chance to think before the anger.

Hope you get some sleep, don't think I'm getting much tonight so will be here if you need to let it out.

Take care, stay safe.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember13 Mar 2016, 3:18 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

Thanks, think its gonna be a long night, gonna have to take something. 2Panadol & magnesium help. Someone else strangely just 'liked' a post I'd put elsewhere here on self compassion & mindfulness. Believe me I'm busy with these underneath all the time (since aware) but the old stuff breaks through. I am on antidepressant which takes the edge off distress. Thanks for listening. Are you ok tonight? Whats the difference between a 'senior contibutor' & the rest of us?

In response to: Re: Birthday Times

Drac0Senior Contributor13 Mar 2016, 3:33 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

I'm ok, just my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I'll probably be up for a couple more hours at least, then be lucky to snooze for a couple of hours.

Hard to keep the old stuff out. And always willing to listen. Sometimes just getting it out there helps.

Only difference between a 'Senior' and others is the number of posts. Doesn't mean much.

In response to: Birthday Times

Unknown userMember13 Mar 2016, 3:58 am AEDT

Re: Birthday Times

That figures (senior contributor),. I was in denial for many years that something was wrong with the way my brain's wired until my second big admission where i regressed back to those extremes & self harm & parasuicide. Bluk! Lost all my friends after that again, i'm so tired of starting over, and wondering if you'll mess it up again anyway. You know what i mean? I'm sure my mum gas undiagnosed untreated BiPolar (poor soul), impossible human being! Here's the thing with trusting Dr's - all they have to fo on is what - I - tell them, and I don't know what the most important issue is to put forward in our short consult. People are never that simple. or medicos that smart. There is a bigger picture, i'm waiting for heaven i guess.

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