Self-compassion

Hi @frog

We who have compassion for others might still find it hard to have self-compassion.

We would not withhold it from others - why is it so hard to allow us to feel it for ourselves?

I wonder - why is that so hard - to care about ourselves and treat ourselves with what we extend to others - I am always trying to work that one out

Dec

@outlander @Owlunar I struggle too, though I have made a little progress after 4 solid years with a very good psychologist. I still often feel like others are more worthy or more in need. Sometimes what I see reflected back to me in the actions of others also brings me down. What I want is to be independent enough and hold myself in enough esteem to see that what others do reflects on them, not me.

Hi @frog@outlander@CheerBear

I wonder why it is that so many women feel they are not entitled to self-compassion - self-love - fail to have self-esteem - and other good feelings

I have a thread I haven't posted on lately - I must get back to it on just this subject - but not this late at night - about Awareness of Women's Mental Health Issues and why the majority of people with obvious mental health issues and emotional discomfort are women - though it's coming through that more men are opening up about it

One thing I remember clearly is when I was teaching Sunday School to very young children - 5-6 yo and I would have been 14 myself and the lesson was on loving oneself and these little girls were shocked to think they would love themselves. I have wondered about that for 60 years and that is a long time to have something on my mind believe me - so it must be worth sharing.

I know my mother was emotionally challenged herself yet her mother was a fantastic person - maybe grandmothers give their grandchildren a better times - but I often had no idea what I had done was wrong - I could go on and on about it but I am wondering if anyone else had this problem - also somehow I was expected to know how to act when I had never been exposed to such a situation - $#&+//3

It must be very hard to grow up from being a small helpless child who doesn't know the rules and gets yelled at and spanked when they make mistakes and have there deficencies thrown in their faces all the time - and even when we turn into adults the mistakes we made as children can be dragged into the open - not good at all

Perhaps this bad image people have off themselves starts when children are very young - but not always - my son could not see himself as worthwhile - my daughter is aa very competent and self-assured person - and I reared both of them - loved them - trained them - and they got the same deal from the same person

So it's a puzzle -

Let's see what we can do with it - hopefully tomorrow I will start getting myself into computer mode early - it's Friday and I can be busy on Fridays - but maybe I can copy these commentss onto the other thread I have

Dec

Hi @Owlunar and anyone who might be reading and joining in. Interesting thoughts to ponder this morning in your post Dec.

I wonder where you came across the idea of the majority of people with mental health issues being women. My understanding is that rates of mental illness are pretty similar between men and women, though there are significant differences in the way they can be experienced. I definitely see value in looking at the different factors that impact mental health and general wellbeing for men and women though.

I think there are a range of biological, social and psychological forces at play in mental illness, self-esteem, self-compassion, general wellbeing etc. Gender roles, norms and expectations, gendered violence, hormones and hormonal fluctuations, economic factors... they're just some that I believe contribute to our experiences.

As you mentioned, our upbringing would play a role in self-esteem and our ability to be compassionate with ourselves. I find it fascinating to see the differences in siblings who have grown up in the same environment. I often wonder how much of an impact our position and the dynamics in a sibling group (oldest, youngest, somewhere in the middle, only child, large family, step and half siblings, differences in sex and gender, large age gap etc.) can have too. Fascinating stuff (I think!).

Keen to join in and continue the conversation if you decide to post Dec! Thanks for the food for thought this morning.

I really like this quote from Kristin Neff, which to me sounds like a pretty good start with self-compassion.

"Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you're good enough, self-compassion asks what's good for you"

I'll also add this one here, which I came across when I was looking for an image to share with @frog.

I love the language (and the colours!) in it and think they could all be used at times when practicing self-compassion, maybe even as answers to the question of 'what's good for you' 😊

Great picture @CheerBear and many great ideas to think on

Birth order makes a big difference but varies of course from family to family - as the first born of a first born father I was the favoured child of my father who gave me a lot of his time when I was growing up - and my grandparents were all delighted at my presence too - and everyone liked it that I was a girl - so I had a good start and I think that helped me to do things that enhanced my self-esteem when I was older

My mother as I said was emotionally challenged - she had a difficult time as a child and has massive and unreasonable fears - real to her of course but with her codependency she really rocked the boat and made things difficult and it was hard to balance these two different attitudes - I think many people have had the same issues with parents' differing attitudes

With my brother only a year younger it was really hard - no one seemed to like him much and he did draw trouble himself - same parents - different child - I call this "chalk and cheese syndrome" - two children can be so different

My son was adopted and although many people cope with being adopted well my son was one of those who did not and I understand this so well - no matter now badly the adoptive parents want the child the child already has something else in his unconscious mind - the birth mother - and I have no doubt many birth mothers have either given their child up or had the child taken from them against their will and it has caused huge unhappiness for them too and the adopted child can be so unhappy about this - my son suffered but there was nothing I could do - I have thought about this for years - to him if his own mother didn't want him who else possibly could and there was no breaking through this shell of worthlessness he had

But my daughter - she was premature and in hospital for several weeks but came home to her own parents and her own family and was a joy to have around - still is - I guess I saw this difference immediately and it was backed up with years of experience - and it is food for thought because such a difference doesn't always happen

With women I think that hormones play a huge role in how we see the world - and for me - my brother had so many career choices open to him and I did not - I have got over it now but there were years when I was really angry about how I had done the same accountancy studies as the men I worked with but I was still paid less just because I was female - and it's an on-going issue in society today - the glass ceiling doesn't smash easily - women seem less valued in the work-place because of being female

I think right now isn't time to get started - it's time for my coffee but you have given me food for thought too

And that pic - fantastic

Dec

Ohhhhhh @CheerBear, my mind is going 100 miles an hour here , i think I need a coffee now

I agree with what you said @Owlunar, @CheerBear

also to I think women need other women , we are emotional, social beings and we need others to connect too , to share and care

I think there are lots of men out there trying to be it alone , soo good to see other males here @Bill16, @Determined, @TAB , @Adge, @Ant7 and others xx

coffee time

soo much to say

Good to hear your thoughts @Shaz51 @Owlunar and @CheerBear that quote and image are enough to keep me busy for a while - thanks.