Old Habits

Ohhhhhhhhh tender hugs @BlackCat13

@Zoe7, @Blank, @Appleblossom, @outlander

@BlackCat13

Hi! Dont think we have "met" on forum before.

I can relate to your love of cats and the difficulty of turning off tears.

My old boy, who is 17, with thyroid probs, on his last legs, certainly helped me survive and ease off my crying spells. The main thing that helps me is being proactive. His litter bro died last year and it was devastating. but somehow ... I/we managed ... If they have lived a full good life, that helps melet go, and accept their passing.

Re teaching and tears. I am relating to a few teachers socially atm. Some are older and some are younger than me. God I love women who love their jobs and are real. Teachers can be some of the best people on this planet. Give yourself some quiet credit, even if more stress and expectations are put upon you.

Tears often do their own thing. They dont ask when it is convenient, they just flow. Sounds like you really needed the cleansing effect of tears. I hope they have settled, but so much is about gtreif. All those longings and possibilities that have past.

Remember to look after you as much as your cat.

Thank you @Appleblossom

today has been another teary day for me, crying now as I’m typing, I couldn’t leave the house today, I didn’t trust myself driving when tears could happen at any time and the light headedness sensation I have also had today. Anxiety is probably going to be high tomorrow as I have an appointment I need to go to and from now on and getting worse as Wednesday approaches (back to work day). The unpredictable nature of the tears is what has kept me at home today. There are a few movies I have wanted to see these holidays and I haven’t seen even 1 because I end up with the can’t be bothereds, anxiety of going alone (which is 99.9% of the way I see movies), just a rough patch in my brain that I hope soon passes.

Yes I have not bothered going to movies much as it would alone most of the time. It really sounds as if you have needed the tears though. Tears keep us in feeling and caring capacity. Without that people can get to a point of not being able to access their feelings at all. I went through a period of a couple of decades with a lot of tears, but the last 5 years they have eased off. Now when I cry it is less extended and more welcome. Ah ... that is what it feels like. Oh ... My tears still work ... kinda thing.

Go gently while they are flowing. Be kind to you.

I guess I am back in the land of anxiety, stress and darkness. All because of my job again. I find myself isolating myself from family and only really leave my house to go to work. It all started to resurface when I had to be observed by my deputy principal. I didn’t mind him coming in and observing, that isn’t the problem. The issue starts when the feedback is emailed for me to read. I should have known better but I opened it up for a quick scan and immediately focused on the “was that the most effective” line of comment. This immediately sent me down the path of negativity and being total crap at my job of 24 years. I had my fortnightly appointment with my psychiatrist and spent my entire waiting room time downloading and searching job sights. I went further into my spiral as I focus on the fact I started year 1 in 1978 and from that point on I have only ever been a student or teacher until 2019 (that is 41 years out of my 46 life years) I have never been anything else. I never had a job as a teenager, never worked through university or had a gap year to explore the world. I am fully dissolutioned in teaching now. It’s all about the data, test scores etc and less about the students and encouraging a desire to learn about the world.

What does a broken introverted primary teacher, with no other experience or support, do when the job brings on the anxiety, stress (physical symptoms grow by the day)?

Tonight I’m in a sad, lonely and isolated place in my mind. I just couldn’t physically leave my house today. I kept the blockout curtains closed , I did nothing but stair at the tv, eat crappy foods and drink Pepsi. The final nail in the gastric sleeve failure of 2012. I cannot think of a single nice thing to say about myself, I would really just like to drift off to sleep and just never wake up. I am 2 weeks off 2 major work stressors for me as well, so my rather large guts are well and truly tangled in knots.... it’s getting too hard to type through the tears so I’m going to go hide under the sheets for a while

I’m starting to wonder if all my anxiety, crying moods and sweating could be the start of menopause? I have no guide from family on when it happened for them because my mum had a full hysterectomy. I know my aunt had a very difficult time with depression through her experience but I’m not comfortable asking her and the only other female in my family is my younger sister. I know I’m crying at something daily, My hair gets soaked some dats from head sweats etc but I don’t have the main indicator because I had a partial hysterectomy 5 years ago. I just feel like I’m balancing on a very wobbly beam, just waiting for the fall back into darkness. It scares me...

Awashed with sadness, tears and darkness. I haven’t been able to leave the confines of my house today. I have been unable to even get myself together and dressed before 2pm the last 2 days. Then tonight the tears have brought back the feelings of inadequacy, of not being needed or wanted, of not belonging anywhere or to anyone and that I am just in a holding pattern until death comes. Work has become me functioning much like a robot. I’ve completely shutdown ... I internally panic at any conversation, even with the cashiers, instead only going to shops that have self serve checkouts. I have no trust of people. The most powerful life lesson for me is that everyone leaves so it is safer to be just me. I’m just not meant to be....

Hello @BlackCat13

The education system is on a big fail in many ways atm. IMO Feeling disillusioned in teaching can be hard. I was teaching privately for a while and needed a change, it was hard to make the shift but I have had a lot of my own good musical experiences in last couple years, and I might be able to go back to teaching .... but dont reaIlly NEED to ....

Being so isolated that checkouts are stressful is difficult. I lived like that for a long time, but somehow it has become easier. SOmetimes due to good checkout people ... older ladies who laughed at my quips about what great "checkout chics" they were .... or a random simpatico connection ... eventually I lost my fear of those interactions.

A lot depends on how financially you are tied to your job.

Finding ways to be kind to ourself in ways that dont include food ... might be hard at first, but keep trying different things. There is a lot more acceptance of doing things for the first time these days ... so it is alright to experiment ....

Tagging other people helps get more replies. If that is what you would like. Or to post replies on other threads can help. Socialising here on the forum helped me break my sense of isolation ....

Take Care

Thank you for taking the time to reply @Appleblossom . I don’t really feel comfortable tagging people as I don’t want to bother or waste time. I really just wanted a place I can let things out because I don’t want to have the explosion of bottling things up like I did for the first 39 years of my pathetic, lonely, disappointment of a life.