Old Habits

Vacation from work helps restore energies for the job. Vacation also shouts just how good my isolation skills have developed.- if the phone rings it will be my parents or my sister and those calls last no longer that 10 minutes maximum. I go through self service checkouts to avoid people. I wish I could time travel back to the exact moment my life flipped into sadness, mistrust and loneliness so I could just be there for that little girl ... -

Have suddenly fallen into a bucket of tears. Was ok this morning and fir the last little while but now I just can't seem to stop crying. Everything sets me off...my cat looking at me, reading twitter etc I'm hoping it is just a delayed reaction to the fall I had at work on Thursday and my body healing from the injuries. But life is very teary and sucky at the moment

Tears still falling and I really don't know why it has happened today...but I even found myself overcompensating when talking to my parents on the phone so they had no idea what had been going on with me today. My mood journal is really the on,y place other than occasionally on here I let my true feelings out.

Back in 2011 I was diagnosed with major depression, severe stress and anxiety. It has taken many years to get back to a new normal and stable me. But over the last 2 weeks something has been changing and I cannot pinpoint why? I do believe it is work related but no other clues. I thought I was getting the flu but over this past weekend I have realised it isn't the flu but physical symptoms of anxiety.
leach morning I was waking up with a headache, stuffy sinus, jaw ache and sometimes head sweats. These sweats would also turn up at inconvenient times when shopping or even at work. Anyway, over this past weekend I took a half Val tablet about an hour before bedtime when I take my night antidepressants and sleeping tablets. The next morning I had no headache from the teeth grinding and clenching of my jaw, through my occlusal splint, during the night. It has to be the stress levels with work, even though I thought I was doing ok, but a co-worker said she was also feeling it a little too. Another clue for me is it is currently 12.36 am Monday morning and my sleeping tablet is battling to get control over my brain and get me to sleep. 🤞🏻It will happen very soon because the alarm goes off at 6:10am.

I am not ok. Listening, right now, to the PM talk about teachers, schools staying open I feel absolutely devastated that my health is not important to them. 4 sqm distancing is just not possible. I work in a school with over 1300 students, over 100 adult staff. I work with students from the age of 4-12 who, let's be honest, have horrible hygiene and deal with them in close in close proximity.

I have spent the weekend in tears, scared, paniced, unable to even open my front door today. I also have an eye condition that requires me to rub my eyes to try and improve vision from blurriness. Not a drop of hand sanitiser has been provided and I move around classrooms in my position so it is just impractical to wash my hands for 20 seconds after every interaction with a student or their belongings.

I already have to take half a tablet of my anxiety medication to allow my sleeping medication to work (was okayed by psychiatrist) I dont think even this will let me sleep tonight with this extreme anxiety.

hello again @BlackCat13

Hello @Appleblossom , @Zoe7 , @Blank , @outlander

Like you @BlackCat13 it is impossible at schools to maintain that distance. I work with 6-8 year olds at present and it is impossible to keep them apart - especially in a small classroom with a large class ...then they play at recess and lunch together anyway - how are we possibly supposed to keep them apart - they are kids!

We have many teachers just like you really worried about their own families as well as their safety. It would only take for one student, parent or teacher to become infected for it to rapidly spread in a school. What I find so amusing is that it is okay for kids to be at school but if they are kept away then they cannot/should not be in parks, beaches. etc, because of the possibility of catching this virus - how is that any different ...in fact it is less likely being out in the open than in close proximity in a classroom - it is contradictory rhetoric!

Today has not been any better. I had to admit to my Principal that I was not going ok with my mental health (she knows my history) and have the rest of this week off. But at 11am my sister was told as of 5pm tomorrow she is stood down from her job (she is in tourism) and it will probably be better for her to resign as she will then get the 10 weeks of leave etc as they will have to pay her out but if they end up in bankrupcy she will get nothing. I have a feeling I will end up having to financally support my elderly parents whose super has taken a major hit with the markets and now my sister (and her 3 girls) being stood down as her estranged husband is a self employed builder. This current world is f*!$king horrible...

The hits keep coming...

Day one of the school break and my sister and nieces had to have their beautiful mini dacshund put to sleep because of spinal deterioration that happened in 4 days. I haven't been able to stop crying. I don't cope with change at the best of time and it often takes me years to accept a decision (eg it took me 5 years to accept the decision I knew I needed of a school transfer and then another 2 before I could actually enter into the process) and all these changes every single day in the current climate is just doing me in and I am starting to find it hard to leave my bedroom again, just like 9 years ago in the beginning of my major depression.

I'm not ok again... It's just all becoming too exhausting again.