Old Habits

I nope you had a little sleep and got your Dad to the hospital ok @BlackCat13

Hopefully you are now waiting for your Dad to be out of surgery and it has all gone ok.

Thinking of you this morning Hon

Let us know how it all goes...

I really hate the feelings from my anxiety, stress and depression. It has already been a tough few days personally. My Dad came through his spinal surgery well (he was in theatre for nearly 5 hours then in recovery for 1 1/2 hours) but still too early to tell if it has solved the problems. Tonight it became tough in my head professionally. The principal has emailed out the teacher allocations for next year. I am the exact same as this year but the issue is that I will be working with 5 new to the specialist role and a couple of them I find quite intimidating. My social anxieties have kicked into overdrive bringing the worry, panic and dread over having to build new relationships at work, share a confined office space (that I have already been struggling with only sharing with 3 others). I am feeling extremely negative tonight towards my job, my work place and colleagues. I wish there was something else I could do but I have never been anything other than a student or teacher since I started year 1 in 1978. My 3 degrees are all in Education.

Im no good at anything else. I have zero confidence or self-esteem.

Im tired of being a survivor, someone who struggles just to keep afloat in the world...it’s exhausting.

I just don’t know what to do anymore 😞

That is tough @BlackCat13 and I understand your anxiety particularly around work. It is hard enough trying to do your job but even harder when you don't enjoy it or are faced with colleagues that you find intimidating - so incredibly tough for you Hon

I hope also that your Dad's operation worked and he will be back up on his feet soon. That would be adding so much extra pressure on you - especially with your Mum staying with you too.

Just keeping afloat is exhausting and throw in all the other things you are dealing with and it makes it even harder.

Thinking of you and listening here @BlackCat13

Thank you @Zoe7

How is your Dad doing @BlackCat13 - and how was your day?

@Zoe7 Dad is getting out of hospital tomorrow. He says this recovery feels much different to the other two and this is certainly his fastest discharge after such surgeries.

That is really good news @BlackCat13 You must be relieved

How was work today?

After getting the news about dad getting out of hospital I thought finally, things might settle down...wrong!!! My sister had to have her lovely old cat put down yesterday. My nieces have never known life without him. Needless to say I have since been reluctant to let my fluff ball go. My overthinking led me down the path of thinking about how I will fall apart when mine eventually succumbs to the rainbow bridge leaving me dreading the future. I got him during my darkest time and credit him with being my lifesaver p.

I totally understand that @BlackCat13 My previous cat I got at one of my darkest times and was indeed my life saver way back then. My present fur babies have done the same for me this time around - I would not be here without them so I 100% get how much your fur baby means to you. They bring so much joy into our lives and make this MI thing just that little bit more bearable.

Today has turned out to be a very difficult day for absolutely no reason, I took my medication as normal last night but saw 2am wide awake ( has happened before, usually because of stress) but I haven’t felt too stressed over the holidays. Slept reasonably ok and lazed in bed until I got hungry fir breakfast. Tears flow... go take a cool shower to fully wake up and hoping to shake off what ever was going on in my brain...failure as I had another cry session in the shower.. know I need some scripts filled so venture out to get that done and start head sweating ( not fun) and feels like a panic attack coming on. Luckily it didn’t happen but another cry session did. Get home and try for more distraction on FBook and every animal video happy or sad bring the tears back in full force. The comfort eating kicked in hoping to help as a coping mechanism (a lifelong strategy I have not been able to control - I did fail gastric sleeve surgery after all. Stare at t. Fir a while, end up having another cry shower, talk to my cat until he runs, come into a lovely cool airconditionec bedroom planning on reading with som acoustic music and all I can do is cry again. I just wish my brain could turn off just for a little while so I could get a break from the tears. I’m over it