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Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor02 Sept 2018, 5:19 pm AEST

Old Habits

Swamped by darkness again...

I feel like I have lost control of my thoughts again and all these old habits are back to do the job of protecting me from the world because I have failed and let those parts of the world back in that bring the darkness.

The worst of it all is the negative thoughts and self hate. The smallest thought is snowballing into ideas of uselessness, hopelessness and why bothers. These then lead me to isolating myself from the world. I only leave the confines of my house walls when I absolutely need to (for food which I am not interested in eating) and I always use the self checkouts to avoid having to interact with people. When I have to interact with people, at work, I get instantly irritated an just want to be alone. I have in the past described myself as a working hermit...but working in my current job is getting harder and harder for me. I hate it but have no experience as it is the only job I have ever had.

My anxiety is so full on right now also I have had an ongoing headache (to differeing levels) from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth (even with wearing an occlussal splint when sleeping).

It has taken me over a month to admit this to myself that things are not ok again. I found myself sitting in the shower on the verge of tears just trying to hold it all together. I had been doing ok, even my psychiatrist said we seemed to have found that good balance but I think I am about to break again...

Being mentally ill just so exhausting and draining and leaving me wondering if it really worth surviving. I know I won't do anything stupid despite some of my thoughts and wishing but I just don't know how I will go through this all again.

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In response to: Old Habits

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2020, 11:01 am AEST

Re: Old Habits

Hey @BlackCat13,

Greetings from a fellow virtual cat. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your sister's dachshund. Losing a pet is losing a family member. I'm glad you're reaching out here to share some of what you're going through.

It's a really tricky time with a lot of change and loss to process. I'd encourage you to check out some threads where people are sharing their coping strategies, fears, and even small silver linings in this challenging time, like this one.

If this feels familiar to you from times where you have experienced an episode of depression I really encourage you to activate the supports (whatever form they will be in now) you have used previously to get through it.

Take good care of yourself,
Tortoiseshell

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor10 Jan 2021, 12:08 am AEDT

Re: Old Habits

Thought I had be doing ok in general and during this lockdown. I had been productive, had a good lunch etc but as I got into bed and took my medications I started unraveling and falling apart. If I'm honest I think it actually started when I drove away from my parents home after being there for nearly 4 weeks over Christmas. I turned as I drove off and had such a strong feeling that I probably see them like that again. (Backstory - over last t years dad has had 4 spinal and 1 hip surgery and Nowa Parkinson's diagnoses and mum has had 1 spinal fusion operation that lead to a discovery of atrial fibrillation.) I fell apart as I drove away and cried for at least half of my trip home. Now in forced lockdown due to COVID I productively did the courses needed for my return to work on Jan 20 but tonight I am over thinking, still not asleep an hour after taking sleep medication, headache from clenching my jaw all day (unnoticed until I was washing my face and felt the ache in my jaw.
with still 2 days of lockdown to get through I am feeling anxious, I am very emotional and teary. I haven't felt this level of anxious and dread in a long time and feel like in on,y just holding myself together on that very slippery cliff edge of depression and am scared of slinging back down into that dark, lonely well of depression.

In response to: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor15 June 2022, 10:39 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

It’s been a while since I’ve been here but the last 12 months have been tough and there really is no end in sight at the moment. 12 months ago I had to take 8 weeks leave because I spiralled into the deep dark again. Clawed my way out again thanks to my psychiatrist and a surprisingly supportive Principal. Managed to return to work and finish out the year. Was starting to feel my “normal” again and the came along the end of February 2022. My house flooded and even though the water wasn’t half way up the walls the amount put me I. The same major damage category for insurance. Watching the water let itself into my safe haven was devastating and distressing because there was nothing I could do. I packed a suitcase but ended up only being able to take a backpack and 1 tote bag and my sister walked in to help me get out. She carried my cat in his travel box covered in a garbage bag as it was still raining . We had to walk for a kilometre in knee high flood water to get to her car as that was the closest she could get to me. The next day when water subsided we went back and every room was a mess. Filling a skip with things you saves up for, inherited and treasured was heartbreaking and traumatic. Ripping out all the carpet and underlay. Then being told the bottom half of gyprock from every wall need to be removed, kitchen gutted etc I felt defeated but went back to work after a week. My house deemed unliveable and likely to take 5 months for building repairs. 4 months after the flood no repairs have started as the haven’t been able to stop the mould. So another brick wall falling on me. Not sure how much more I can take, especially without my cat with me. He has had to go stay with my parents because pet friendly accomodation is non existent when in temporary accommodation and then in furnished rentals. For the past 11 years, since my first major depression diagnoses, he was my support. Honestly, without him I’ve nearly turned back to drinking to take the edge off. I haven’t had alcohol since 2011, because of medications, and I realised it was me self medicating but I’m so tempted but I’m just going day by day and avoiding these shops or the entrances they are at at shopping centres. So yes I’m struggling, crying myself to sleep most nights, feeling the darkness gripping me again. There is just no light at the end of the 2022 tunnel. So I’m just aiming for survival this year….. fingers crossed.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

ChristheartSenior Contributor17 June 2022, 12:18 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Oh no @BlackCat13 ...

I'm so, so sorry 😭😭😭😭

I cannot imagine having my safe space invaded with water, the trauma would be unbearable. And not having your pet with you... I'm so sorry, so, so sorry...

Is there any way you could stay with your parents so you could be with your cat?

I don't think I could manage without my cat or my pup.

I too am just hoping for survival this year... I'm sitting with you. I pray you find some comforting moment today...

Christheart

In response to: Old Habits

ChristheartSenior Contributor17 June 2022, 12:19 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@BlackCat13

Also, keep strong in your sobriety. I will be three years sober in November. The drink makes mental health so much worse in the end...

You can do this honey

Christheart

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor17 June 2022, 6:35 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@Christheart unfortunately I cannot stay with my parents as they live 3 hours away but they said when he hears my voice on the phone he comes running which makes me miss him even more. Thank you for the kind thoughts.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor22 June 2022, 10:55 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

I hate being this broken. It feels like 11 years of hard work and millions of tears are fast unraveling because of things out of my control.

at the moment curling up under the blanket and hiding from the world for the next few weeks is all I can see. The things I wanted to do feel too people-y. The next 3 days I have an appointment a day I cannot get out of so the people pleaser in me will keep those but o know they will zap every ounce of energy I have.

I wish I wasn’t broken…it’s exhausting and I don’t know if I have the strength to keep doing this over and over and over.

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