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Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor02 Sept 2018, 5:19 pm AEST

Old Habits

Swamped by darkness again...

I feel like I have lost control of my thoughts again and all these old habits are back to do the job of protecting me from the world because I have failed and let those parts of the world back in that bring the darkness.

The worst of it all is the negative thoughts and self hate. The smallest thought is snowballing into ideas of uselessness, hopelessness and why bothers. These then lead me to isolating myself from the world. I only leave the confines of my house walls when I absolutely need to (for food which I am not interested in eating) and I always use the self checkouts to avoid having to interact with people. When I have to interact with people, at work, I get instantly irritated an just want to be alone. I have in the past described myself as a working hermit...but working in my current job is getting harder and harder for me. I hate it but have no experience as it is the only job I have ever had.

My anxiety is so full on right now also I have had an ongoing headache (to differeing levels) from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth (even with wearing an occlussal splint when sleeping).

It has taken me over a month to admit this to myself that things are not ok again. I found myself sitting in the shower on the verge of tears just trying to hold it all together. I had been doing ok, even my psychiatrist said we seemed to have found that good balance but I think I am about to break again...

Being mentally ill just so exhausting and draining and leaving me wondering if it really worth surviving. I know I won't do anything stupid despite some of my thoughts and wishing but I just don't know how I will go through this all again.

107 replies

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In response to: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor10 Sept 2018, 7:52 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@Shaz51Thank you

In response to: Old Habits

TABSenior Contributor10 Sept 2018, 7:58 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Sometimes that is an achievement @BlackCat13 ok now I know my biggest achievement today ok no . Ringing instead of texting to say not doing any work this week. Well didn’t know had work. Found out by chance then cancelled it as not feeling up to it

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Shaz51Senior Contributor10 Sept 2018, 8:12 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

how are you today @BlackCat13, please remember you are not alone my friend , please eep writttinh to us xxx

In response to: Old Habits

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Sept 2018, 9:07 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Hello @Shaz51. How are things today?

In response to: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor11 Sept 2018, 7:47 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Here come the headaches and tension...what I call my apprehensive anxiety. My parents arrive tomorrow and won't be leaving until Monday. Time to steel myself for throw away downer comments from my father, no alone time to decompress and faking it 24/7 until they go home. All that and I still have 2 work days this week and I am still having to take my anxiety medication just to walk into school each morning. Once I am there and teaching I kick into robot mode where I just function without thinking until the home bell rings then like a switch turning off I'm drained and just want to get home to being away from people and just be with my cat.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Sept 2018, 8:00 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

That is a really tough position for you to be in @BlackCat13

I know those days when you are on auto-pilot and then crash as soon as the bell goes. It is hard to then do the extras you need to do - marking, planning, etc. and to have to deal with your parents staying for 5 days on top of that is super hard. Feeling for you

In response to: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor11 Sept 2018, 9:33 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Why am I such a glutton for punishment???? Why do I always seem to sabotage myself?

Mistakenly checked my work email about an hour ago to find an unhappy parent email because the class teacher passed along my comments about their child's behaviour and now all I can think about is not going to work for the rest of the week and hiding away inside my four walls.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

LieselNew Contributor11 Sept 2018, 10:31 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

I totally understand where you are coming from. As a teacher I am fielding several complaints (none with any substantial basis) each week. It makes me feel unappreciated, alone and confused. I’ve been teaching for nearly 20 years but this cohort have been particularly whiny parents. I relate to wanting to hide within the four walls. I’m hearing you.

In response to: Old Habits

LieselNew Contributor11 Sept 2018, 10:33 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Oh so so so true. I’m a teacher too and I couldn’t agree more.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor11 Sept 2018, 10:45 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@Liesel I see this child for 1 hour a week. So for this semester at this point of time a grand total of 8 hours in 8 weeks. After 23 years teaching and 7 years dealing with major depression and anxiety I don’t know how much longer I can do teaching but have never done anything else. I started Year 1 in 1978 and been in an education facility ever since. Work is really becoming a major trigger for me

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