Old Habits

It’s 11.30pm and I have been in the bath for nearly 3 hours not wanting to move. The water has cooled down, I can’t stop crying... I hate my brain so much. I wish I could just turn it off for a break from being me

@outlander I have made it out of the water and into bed but sleep has always been an issue for me. Can’t stop the thought long enough to get to sleep. Have taking my sleeping tablet so hear is hoping. When I’m in a reasonable thoughts process it usually helps with the getting to sleep, but lately it can take anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hours to kick in.

i acknowledge this is all coming from returning to work after a week away (to try and reset) and knowing my parents are going to be staying with me for 5 nights...stress overload. I just have to keep trying to remember just one day at a time.

No motivation today at all...I guess I will take the success of showering and getting dressed today as the only achievement today.

The anxiety has kicked into overdrive over having to return to work tomorrow. I have a headache from clenching my jaw, feel the sleep leaving my body already ready for a restless night with no sleep, flip flop feeling in my stomache and the sweating I usually get as a precurser to a panic attack. I once enjoyed my job now it turns me into a ball of horrible sensations. Dread has arrived! Just as well wishes never come true ... my wish for some sort of car accident to avoid work is just crazy and wrong I know.

That feeling that encompasses your whole body is not nice at all to have to deal with. I used to get that driving to where I work. It has taken a lot of time to be able to even consider going back to work so I ttally get how you are feeling @BlackCat13. For you is it the work itself or the feeling that you can't do it that fills you with the most fear?

@Zoe7It is a mixture of both. After 23 years I am in the spot of doing something I don't love but is the lessor option of 2 evils for me. I also have become so negative of my abilities and think I am absolutely crap (sorry). Even when given positive and constructive critiquing I hear the negative in the worst possible way, an issue I know is mine and is getting worse with the more observation and videoing going on over 'making us the best we can be'

I completely understand where you are coming from - it is hard to feel like you are in the 'spotlight' constantly with all the checks and balances going on in teaching these days @BlackCat13 I know a lot of teachers who have had trouble with adjusting so you are not alone there. We have so much extra 'paperwork' to complete that the actual essence of teaching is being lost. ...and in the process the kids are the ones that are suffering because teachers cannot give the same kind of attention to them as we once did. I often say that I love my job except for the paperwork and the sad fact is that that makes up a large percentage of my day now - as it does with all teachers.

I am exhausted..holding everything together to fake it is mentally draining. I mangaged to get to school but had to sit in the car for about 10mins to psyc myself into walking in (despite taking my anxiety medication) Probably didn't help the poor sleep last night either. A co-worker also said that I didn't look myself in the face...guess I wasn't faking it too good at that point. Glad the day is over but the perfectionist in me now insists I make the house spotless ready for my parents arrival later in the week. So the plan is to put some things away (hide things in cupboards) and do some ironing before trying to get more sleep tonight before I have to fake it all again tomorrow.

sending you tender hugs @BlackCat13 xxxx

Hello @Zoe7, @outlander, @TAB, @utopia xxxxxxxx