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Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor02 Sept 2018, 5:19 pm AEST

Old Habits

Swamped by darkness again...

I feel like I have lost control of my thoughts again and all these old habits are back to do the job of protecting me from the world because I have failed and let those parts of the world back in that bring the darkness.

The worst of it all is the negative thoughts and self hate. The smallest thought is snowballing into ideas of uselessness, hopelessness and why bothers. These then lead me to isolating myself from the world. I only leave the confines of my house walls when I absolutely need to (for food which I am not interested in eating) and I always use the self checkouts to avoid having to interact with people. When I have to interact with people, at work, I get instantly irritated an just want to be alone. I have in the past described myself as a working hermit...but working in my current job is getting harder and harder for me. I hate it but have no experience as it is the only job I have ever had.

My anxiety is so full on right now also I have had an ongoing headache (to differeing levels) from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth (even with wearing an occlussal splint when sleeping).

It has taken me over a month to admit this to myself that things are not ok again. I found myself sitting in the shower on the verge of tears just trying to hold it all together. I had been doing ok, even my psychiatrist said we seemed to have found that good balance but I think I am about to break again...

Being mentally ill just so exhausting and draining and leaving me wondering if it really worth surviving. I know I won't do anything stupid despite some of my thoughts and wishing but I just don't know how I will go through this all again.

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In response to: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor12 Sept 2018, 8:32 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

I feel exhausted...

It is going to be a long few days

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Sept 2018, 8:37 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Wishing you all the goodluck to get through these next few days @BlackCat13 Having your parents there seems like it is going to be really draining for you and combining that with the anxiety around work is going to be hard but you have support here when you need it 💜

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor12 Sept 2018, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Thank you @Zoe7 I have a feeling I could be on here a lot. Already have stress headache after 5 hours of parents arrival, emotional guilt because they , especially my Dad is not coping with the breakdown of my sisters marriage and I am the piggy in the middle (talk about this in an earlier post). Luckily I see my psychiatrist again tomorrow after school.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Sept 2018, 9:07 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Be on here as much as you need to @BlackCat13 It is a good place to vent as well as find support

It is good you see your psychiatrist tomorrow - you can talk through some of the things you have been feeling this week and also the issues you have with your parents. It is tough being in the middle of a family issue like that - I hope your Dad eases up on you a bit.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Sept 2018, 9:12 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

I need to head off and try to get some sleep @BlackCat13 but will try to check in with you tomorrow to see how your day and appointment goes. Hope you can get some sleep

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor16 Sept 2018, 9:53 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

What a weekend...

while it has been full on, never ending holding it all together around my family it has been bearable. I think because my morning antidepressant was doubled a week ago and I feel so much better than 2 weeks ago, not back to where I was but the crying has stopped. However my dad, who is nearly 74 and had 2 spinal surgeries last year had a fall on Saturday night in my bath/shower and I think he may have broken a rib. They were planning on going home tomorrow but will wait and see how he is tomorrow. I just hope we can talk him into seeing a Dr.

As it is now late Sunday night the work anxiety has kicked in, so here is hoping my improvements keep stable when I am back at that place that causes so much stress.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Sept 2018, 9:56 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

I really hope you can face tomorrow with less anxiety @BlackCat13 - sending you hugs to help you get through it

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor16 Sept 2018, 10:01 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Thank you @Zoe7

I hope you have a good week too

In response to: Re: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Sept 2018, 10:12 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Thanks @BlackCat13 - one day at a time is all that is needed. Get through tomorrow at work and hopefully your Dad will see a doctor and then take it from there.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor20 Sept 2018, 10:14 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Finally. Made it to the school holidays. Just knowing I don’t have to go back to. That place for 2 weeks has already calmed some anxieties but I do have over 300 assessments to mark. Mum also needs a break from being Dad’s carer, especially after the bathtub fall last week, so will be spending a week with my parents (yay not). It will also be 3 weeks until I see my psychiatrist again. Hopefully I can hold it all together.

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Aboriginal flag

Torres Strait Islander flag

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.