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Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor02 Sept 2018, 5:19 pm AEST

Old Habits

Swamped by darkness again...

I feel like I have lost control of my thoughts again and all these old habits are back to do the job of protecting me from the world because I have failed and let those parts of the world back in that bring the darkness.

The worst of it all is the negative thoughts and self hate. The smallest thought is snowballing into ideas of uselessness, hopelessness and why bothers. These then lead me to isolating myself from the world. I only leave the confines of my house walls when I absolutely need to (for food which I am not interested in eating) and I always use the self checkouts to avoid having to interact with people. When I have to interact with people, at work, I get instantly irritated an just want to be alone. I have in the past described myself as a working hermit...but working in my current job is getting harder and harder for me. I hate it but have no experience as it is the only job I have ever had.

My anxiety is so full on right now also I have had an ongoing headache (to differeing levels) from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth (even with wearing an occlussal splint when sleeping).

It has taken me over a month to admit this to myself that things are not ok again. I found myself sitting in the shower on the verge of tears just trying to hold it all together. I had been doing ok, even my psychiatrist said we seemed to have found that good balance but I think I am about to break again...

Being mentally ill just so exhausting and draining and leaving me wondering if it really worth surviving. I know I won't do anything stupid despite some of my thoughts and wishing but I just don't know how I will go through this all again.

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In response to: Old Habits

Zoe7Senior Contributor04 Sept 2018, 5:14 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Some days @BlackCat13 you just cannot face the day - that can happen whether you have a MI or not. Having a day to yourself sounds like what you needed so don't beat yourself up for that. You work in a hard profession so it is not surprsing that you need a day off every now and then

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor07 Sept 2018, 7:18 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he has increased my medication. It was an exhausting session of talking and answering the "are you going to be ok until I next see you, your not suicidal?" I may have those thoughts sometimes but I know I would definetly never follow through because I would never want to impact the lives of my nieces or students.

Returning to work on Monday is going to be difficult and now I have just found out my parents are coming to visit and plan on staying at my place for 5 nights. Family is one of my stressors along with work so looks like I will end up back at square one (where I was on Monday) I have spent these days not at work at home with just my cat, all doors and curtains closed so the world could not enter. I felt calmer during this time and now my re-entry into life will have overwhelming stress.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

AppleblossomSenior Contributor07 Sept 2018, 7:20 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@BlackCat13 Hello!

My students were also a reason that kept me here.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

utopiaSenior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 2:01 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@BlackCat13. The way you describe Depression creeping back into your life & then the changes that occur - is exactly how it feels when I've been feeling a little better and Depression rides in and says "No".

It's depressing in itself, let alone without the negative self talk and the full on guilts. It's a hard time to struggle through.

But I've managed 3 weeks now without Depression in sight. So hang in there. This too will pass.

Holding you until your strength returns

In response to: Old Habits

TABSenior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 2:23 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

I didn’t go to work today either @BlackCat13 I had been being so good well last few mths sickies are usually the norm for me but am only casual so no pay and get less and less work as seen as unreliable. Then there’s debt and health and stress and trying to make something up tomorrow re absence well sort of genuine reason I chipped a filling and it’s bothering me but so are a lot of other things and am putting off going to dentist/couldn’t get an appointment. To top it off havent been eating properly or exercising and have put on weight and am about to go for a coronary risk assessment for work to access a certain site that is more picky re health. Apparently medical from a a few mths ago not up to scratch for them re age etc etc can feel blood pressure has been up last bit and last few days Going to get it checked as a gateway to employment isn’t helping. too late for quick fixes am dreading it. Leaving now

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 5:07 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@utopiaThank you. I am simply focused on 1 day at a time and knowing I see my psychiatrist again this week (we had to alter an appointment which has turned out to be fortuitous) I'm happy you are in a good spot.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 5:16 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@TABI hope you are doing ok. Work causes so many issues for so many I haven't been eating properly either. I just don't seem to have the desire to cook for 1 or the energy to eat. Make sure to look after yourself.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

TABSenior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 5:29 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Hi BC @BlackCat13 😀 um yeah seem to be scraping by after medical add on thing. Have blood tests Monday now as part of it. Yeah my attitude/motivation wearing after being put with people hadn’t worked with in years re old bad work attitude bad jobs , brought a few ghosts back well memories of crap jobs and sickies then getting cut off of work by same company. I’ll get thru. Have to re survival/debt accrued while not working. Going back to old employer after being dumped is rough. Had easy ish run re people from past dunno just doing own head in I think. Having what passes for my new knowledge of resilience tested lol. You take care too. Black cats and 13 are lucky for me. Not so sure about life and how I deal with it tho re lucky. Oh Well

In response to: Re: Old Habits

BlackCat13Senior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 6:56 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

@TABnot sure re life luck with me either. Black Cat 13 is because I was born on a Friday the 13th much to my grandmother's dislike.

In response to: Re: Old Habits

TABSenior Contributor08 Sept 2018, 7:07 pm AEST

Re: Old Habits

Cool @BlackCat13 well sibling was born on 13th lol anyway I decided eons ago it was my lucky day. Think won chook raffle in 80s on 13th lol

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