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Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

FairyFoxContributor29 Aug 2014, 12:39 pm AEST

Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

Hi everyone,

This is a first for me & to be trithful I have no idea where to start. What I do know is that I've hidden away from the world so much that I've come to realise I don't have any friends anymore. It's a situation of "the more I hide the worse I get and the worse I get the more I hide". I think there are many reasons for me becoming 'agrophobic', some of which are ten years of DV, conned that I lost everything & topped it all off with breast cancer. You will notice I didn't mention depression...well that's because I've lived with it for over 30 years & it's just become part of my everyday life I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not flippant about it (well I wouldn't be on here if I was) & it is very real. In fact I had it fairly well under control until the begining of that 10 year period at the start of 2000's. I had a back injury at work & that's when my life started to go downhill. I'm not saying that's what caused it as there were a few reasons around that time (the start of the dv relationship, excessive drinking, etc & all while working full time). I've become an expert at the cover up over the years. In fact at one point I had my photo in the local paper for being voted the happiest customer service person for that month. I've always remembered that with irony, if only they'd known what my life was really like. There was a fair bit more to come, (in fact a lot more) & am willing to share if the discussion leads to that & I feel comfortable enough.

Anyway that's enough of the background for now, just thought I'd start this discussion with some idea of who I am. The strange part is I now have good reason to be happy...first thing that came to mind then was "what a joke that is'. My depression is at it's worst & I just can't seem to get back on top, even as a breast cancer survivor. I try to remind myself of the positives in my life now & none of it helps. I have in this state mostly for about 18mths now. Had meds change, now told it's as good as they've got etc etc.

I hope some of you will join in this discussion so we might be able to help each other along the way.

142 replies

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In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

LoopySenior Contributor02 Dec 2014, 7:33 pm AEDT

Re: If you think my kitchen is a mess, you should see in here taps head

BatGuano, in Sept. this year the ABC had a week dedicated to Mental Health with interviews with sufferers of MI. I was fortunate enough, really I made enough noise, to be interview as part of that week and somewhere in this board is the interview as it was presented. I believe from my contact at the ABC it will happen again next Mental Health week in 2015.

loopy

In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

LoopySenior Contributor02 Dec 2014, 7:42 pm AEDT

Re: If you think my kitchen is a mess, you should see in here taps head

BatGuano,

Unfortunately, after a couple of years, I started to change but I could not put my finger on the cause.

I was addicted to the job. I attended every accident I could, went to as many domestic situations as possible and made my aim to attend any occurrence which involved serious injury and death.

In December 1989 when I had returned to my station, whilst walking down the hall towards the lunch room, I just stopped as if I had walked into an invisible wall and just stood there. In the station at the time was our resident doctor, having a smoke and a coffee.

He later told me that when he saw me I was just standing erect with a blank look in my eyes. He informed me that he had turned me around and taken me home. I lived in the station residence at the time some 10 metres away. He undressed me, put me into bed and gave me a sedative.

He returned the next morning and told me that I was unfit to return to work because of PTSD and gave me a certificate to cover me. The doctor arranged an appointment with a Consultant Psychiatrist whom I still see now.

During the years from 1990 'til now, I have attempted to end the suffering on too many occasions to count, spent not months but years in psychiatric hospitals and used numerous antidepressants to control my feelings. I was given the nickname "Loopy" by a group of Vietnam Vets.

And I use this name with pride.

I have been asked what is my illness like and can I describe it? I just say what I can about it but I do not understand how or why I am the way I am. It is all too hard. I just try to accept it and I don't care what others think or say so long as it is to my face.

The Police Force dropped me like a hot brick and did not want to know me. I received no help of any sort from the Police Force and if anything I was ignored totally.

As the result of my illness, I lost the job I loved, a spouse of nearly thirty years and any love for myself. In fact, I no longer know what it is to love or hate... which may or may not be a good thing.

In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

RickSenior Contributor02 Dec 2014, 9:32 pm AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

Loppy my Friend

I gotta agree with your assessment of the prior comment.

The problem is that the past is haunting. If it could be made to go away it would.

self esteem and core programming does not easliy shift. Reprogramming is not a magic wand where with a twinkle of your nose you can change your cerebral chemistry.

I'm not saying it's impossible. It's a case to case issue.

I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TELL ME NOT TO BE SO NEGATIVE!.

Any body else who tries it obviously does'nt get it. Sorry for yelling but that's a personal button pusher.

I am extremely leery of giving advice on this forum. In genreal actually. But here where it's safe? Gotta careful. Can't take the risk of making a safe place a place someone will no longer go.

I want this to be a safe place. If I'm deluded or a hippocrit and I've been giving advice, tell me to buzz off.

Because I feel safe I can say

Hope endures

Rick

In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

peaceSenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 2:36 am AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

I'd wanna be a muppet Angel with 1 wing missing. Oh and maybe messy hair lol

In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

NebSenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 9:45 am AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

I love those pictures Loopy.......they are so true! Just showering was a major effort, and yet once I am in, I love the embrace of lovely hot water. Working with my happy smile on hiding everything, I use to wonder why I was so exhausted all the time.

In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

CherryBombSenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 1:10 pm AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

This comment has been moved by a moderator to another part of the forum where it might be more easily found by the community.

In response to: Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

pieSenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 2:39 pm AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

Hi It's Pie Here, Tell Me About It I am such a Mess, I cant cope I have Depression I am not Coping @ All and with Xmas Coming up, I am So Stressed out, I want to be Happy But am Feeling like I want to cry all of the time, I'm seeing my psychologist on Friday Thank God.

In response to: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 6:19 pm AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

Hey @Pie,
I am glad you are seeing your psychologist on Friday.
How is your dad going?
I was wondering if there us something specifically stressful around Christmas for you?
Me..I find the whole period between Xmas and new year either to be a lovely opportunity to catch up with friends and family OR the most stressful part of the year where there are high expectations that everyone should be HAVING FUN AND BEING HAPPY! and so I usually take it day by day, make sure I keep contact with the people that matter to me and if I can..rest..

In response to: Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

kristinSenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 6:21 pm AEDT

Re: Living with depression is debilitating!!!!!

Hey @peace

I love your imagination, I couldn't think of anything.

I'm so sorry your wings have been clipped too.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: If you think my kitchen is a mess, you should see in here *taps head*

LoopySenior Contributor03 Dec 2014, 6:56 pm AEDT

Re: If you think my kitchen is a mess, you should see in here taps head

BatGuano,

Unfortunately, after a couple of years, I started to change but I could not put my finger on the cause.

I was addicted to the job. I attended every accident I could, went to as many domestic situations as possible and made my aim to attend any occurrence which involved serious injury and death.

And I use this name with pride.

The Force dropped me like a hot brick and did not want to know me. I received no help of any sort from the Police Force and if anything I was ignored totally.

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