Living with Ourselves

@Sophia1 Hey there mate. hope you are keeping your nose above the bathwater ring.

Mate , I'm sorry I'm so rushed at the moment. Building tunnel huts and new staff orientation.

I definatley do not go a day without thinking off you, and I'm looking forward to end of season so we can get into some good old fire side natter. How I manage on the street, not forgotten, just awaiting a reprieve from workload.

I will say back in my day, the skinheads and gangs were a major problem. Not the case now, so much.

After my girlfriend and I got lit up on fire, I took too keeping a telescopic ladder and rope lashed to my back pack. So any night not raining I slept on awning and roofs. If you lived anywhere from Seaford to Hampton, probly wasnt possums your dog was barking at on your garage roof, Up to 10 years ago 10 % of Sydney's north shore houses sit empty most of the year, Swagging it in those big gardens ocean front, well Its fun. Bus to the city, leave it as you found it. and Oh , look I'm teaching bad habits. And Brisbane and cairns, Too easy,

not even a challenge anymore. .!

So what I'm saying is, I learnt age 14, that the most dangerous animal in Australia is man.

And I live in the city like few others when I visit.. People walk right past me, under me, and in some sneaky spots, over the top of me , and they dont even know I'm there. drinking and showering, used to be hard until uncle tonys applied advanced thinking. cant sleep with guitar, Few pawn shops and other places I know keep gear overnight for me for a couple of bucks.

EVERY PROBLEM IN LIFE HAS AN ANSWER. . . .

Dont hurt no one, . . Dont get hurt. . . Leave it better than you found it. thats the code. Yes I even pull a few weeds. . . The rest is a game of chance, . . . and fun.

Teas on the table, Huge hugs, me to you Sophia, your boy will find his way, and you will find him, I feel it . Talk first chance I get. Hope its ok if I send this to @LeChuck and the all knowing all dancing @Appleblossom too. I'm going on a hunt for missing posts soon.

Please don't feel vulnerable @Sophia1 . We all love you. and well .... . . your my mum !

tonys moon base one

@tonys

Quick reply

Please keep this discussion between you and I

confidentiality

will explain more later

Cannot risk losing the little connection I have with him

I do appreciate your kindness

Hey @Sophia1, tonys tagged me in, I think just so I could offer an extra set of ears (well, eyes really) if you need them.

Sounds like you're doing it real tough and all I can do/say is that I'm beaming best wishes your way.

Anyway, you don't know me well but I'm here and happy to join your support squad if you'd like another member. I saw your comment to tonys re confidentiality so will not read back through old posts just dive straight in and say hello, hang in there.

Tag me in if you feel comfortable and want some extra support, otherwise, don't and I'll leave this thread be, and you in the very capable hands of the gorgeous people you know and trust who are already here.

LeChuck x

hello @Sophia1 Big Nod. It never occurred to me that persons "very close" to you could be on this bus as well. I'll wait to hear from you, and take your lead so i'm in right thread.

I feel like the 3 chooks I brought back from Woolies. Starving pickers claws, had wings , legs.

and flesh stripped from those carcases so fast it could pass for a Penn and Teller magic act.

All of me thats left, is the sump oil soaked stuffing trembling on the plate that even the seagulls avoid.

So. . . . Sorry I did the cheating Uber driver routine. 8 passengers in the cab, 3 in the boot, and 2 on the roof rack, One letter, 3 tag routine. Anyway, having a long lunch today.

I hurt myself watching , Modern life is goodish, my fav. laugh so much, my hernia punishes me..

Hope I put a chuckle in your day, and hope family problems can find a path to greener pastures Take care my friend. tonys mb1

Dear @tonys

I had hoped that you would realise that my absence is as a result of reaching a point where everything going on around me consumed me.

I have been an absolute mess.

This of course extends out to all areas of my life.

My husband (2nd husband, not father of my children) is very supportive in his way.

He does not understand unwell minds and openly acknowledges this.

I respect his honesty and can understand how it is almost impossible to understand another person suffering symptoms of goodness knows what from a mind that the best specialists in the world still do not fully comprehend.

He also listens to me when I am distraught and I share my struggling around the adult child scenario.

The constant need to keep confidentiality as stuff has been fed to him by so called professionals within the medical world that has further fuelled his distrust of the world and threatened to break the bond between mother and child.

It is a situation that is unimaginable even for myself and his dad; in his way.

No one parent or person has the same experience.

I should not have opened up about the situation. Then I panicked.

I felt that you were needing something from me so that you could help me.

This is my husband's way.

He wants to fix it and he can't.

He cannot cope with this.

So I protect him and hide when able all of the times that it is all too painful.

Of late I have been unable to hide anything from anyone.

I have been an absolute mess.

So please understand that I am not upset with you in the least.

I do not believe that you could ever say or do anything to upset me.

I know that you are sincere and I trust you.

It was so very painful to read of your situation with your girlfriend in the past.

You have suffered so much.

You have survived so much.

You do remind me of my son and I think that you have worked that out.

You are both so very different yet there are some parallels and similar traits.

You are much older than him also and have more time to find your way.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for calling me "mum" (I am not sure that I am old enough literally.....that is not important....that is not the meaning here)

What an honour and how better could you reach my heart in thanks, than that very term.

So I have read a few posts where you feel others have abandoned you.

I am hoping that you have not felt that about me.

I would and never will do that.

I might disappear and I am sorry that I am not always able to let you know.

A horrible part of what happens. One of many.

There are so many people struggling on the forums.

I am a giver, listener and yearn to help in real life.

With this comes pain.

I cannot change who I am.

I have always been this way since a child and my mother and twin could not cope with me.

My dad respected me.

I am learning to better protect myself.

Keep on being you @tonys

enjoy your sharing with others ....

you have so much to offer and I believe not only others will gain but you will also in meeting new members on here..

I might not have fun responses or be able to share my stuff.

I am always here for as long as I can be as your friend and your forum "mum" if that is still on offer.

warm hug

Sophia1

Hello @Jacques

Letting you know that you are always my friend in my thoughts...

I have been unwell...

Today is the first day that I have been well enough to write.

It has taken ages as usual to reply to people as I think so hard what to say....

I wanted to include you as you are important to me also...

I read that you are saving up to renovate your kitchen for yourself and your mum...that is beautiful...

I know already you will do a wonderful job..

Has your gardenia come back from the afterlife or have you had to say farewell?

Mine I think that I told you, I moved during the hotter days into my little garden house.

It seems to be happy and growing slightly taller.

Yes still in it's same plastic pot.

So now I am frightened to move it out of there.

Incredible how I can be frightened of a plant's temperament really....

I now have a gardener once a month due to my accident I cannot do anywhere near as much.

He came yesterday for the first time.

Well I have to say I shook his hand when he listened and responded to my frank, honest question do you actually know plants and weeds? I do not want a whipper snipper. I do not want spray in certain areas.

He is a perfect match for me as knew exactly where I was coming from and said that it was an honour to meet a real gardener who knows her plants.

He can tell that I look after and care about my garden which helps him.

I will get some help with repotting the gardenia.

I have given him some cuttings already and have many more for when he is ready.

He and his wife are just starting to establish 20 acres!!!!

So that was a birthday, christmas present rolled into one.

I also said to him. You do realise that you have me for life now as a customer.

A big grin.

A huge relief for me as he knows how much my garden means to me and understands my loss in not being able to do everything anymore.

He truly is a rare find.

How is the bike now?

In a glass case yet?

I know that it will be spectacular.

How are your girlfriend's teenagers behaving?

Being teenagers no doubt.

Tell me your news, what you want to.

Sophia1

Dear mother. . . . @Sophia1 mate in all seriousness , the reason I call you that is because you have a much broader knowledge of the goings on in the world of mental health,

The system, a greater level of maturity, and education shows through.

But mostly you are loyal, even when I'm playing up a bit, and you do what good mums do.

Just shake your head in dismay, and turn a blind eye. Just like my cousin and the booky.

I think if you actually saw this place and me you never worry ever again about how I think regards you. Once my feet have toughened up to the bindies. I don't even bother with boots.

Days are spent throwing tomatoes at unsuspecting pickers, then dodging incoming.

Tractor, check nets,, eat . tractor.. eat duck abuse from shed girls ,.. eat. fish..

watch Mr Ed.. eat again down to river ,, stoke up fire. check rods. radio.

fall asleep. Maybe I wander back to the house. lots of times wake up in the morn, have a swim, and go pester some one for food again. . . . See my point.

I'm not really capable of thinking anything bad about you mate. And i know your way to wise for me to advise.. Please don't over think things when you open the hatch at moon base 1

Some one has to take a pretty big personal swing at me to get prickly. Mate I get tired and come and go too, I mean I do worry about you and I figured out many moons ago,

you had a few "issues' Don't we all. I know you are a rescuer besides, I know you say you cant change, and I'm supposed to say, adapt and I'm sitting with you and all that,

But you suffer fools badly, Only reason I get away with what I do is you know I'm still a kid

and I mean well. . .

Please don't take on board my own painful stories mate, because honestly, I'm realy good with it all. long time ago and my brain has special wiring that lets me walk on coals.

I can be a bit descriptive because I enjoy telling a story. When it realy did used to hurt.

I would never say anything.

But , whatever it is you feel like sharing, hold nothing back from me. If you kite me put for

tonys up top ,then folks will know Its personal.

If I get 2 lines into a post that not meant for me and looks something I shouldn't see, I bail,

Happy easter @Sophia1 . ..

Please get a good bottle of something. Pop the cork and think on only what we both have

achieved. You know how many posts on here are from very lonely people.

WE are lucky my friend. best wishes to you and your family, tonys moonbase1

hi @Sophia1 my beautiful friend, im so sorry you have been so unwell, hugs my friend. i hope you recover soon. i lost my gardenia, i think mum sprayed roundup on it by mistake. it is ok, i have some beautiful ones growing in my gazebo.

yes mums kitchen was installed in the 1940's so well overdue, i bought the first cupboard we have a plan, mum is worried about me removing the asbestos but i told her i will be careful. she has picked her colours, a milk coffee colour with a speckled stone pattern benchtop.

that is so wonderful you found a good gardener, he sounds like an amazing man and he will do amazing things with your garden, i really hope you can sit back and really enjoy the serenity of a gorgeous garden.

unfortunately the bike is not finished yet, i had to put it on hold as i had solar panels installed and it wiped out all of my savings, i had to borrow a little money of mums friend to help get us over the line, i have paid them back now so i can start trying to save again. im hoping i can get back to it soon.

my partners teenage daughter is getting worse, she is using drugs and is having very bad mood swings, attacking her mum and grandmother and running away a lot. i so so wish i was able to do something to help, i hate seeing her throwing her life away, she is such a smart young lady when she wants to be and she can have a heart of gold. it is just a terrible situation.

i hope things are good with your boys and husband. hugs my friend, rest up, get well and happy spring equinox to you and your family.

Thank you @tonys

I am way behind in my replies.

I know that you understand this dilemma.

Throw in trying to keep that blasted submarine above water long enough to write to anyone...

I think that you get my drift..

Yes I am currently drifting and the tide is still stronger than me..

A bottle of something good...

Now that would only ever be a fine wine for me..

Alcohol goes straight to my head very quickly..

So when and if I imbibe these days it is always with food anyway ...for a special occasion or half a glass at the odd meal.. My husband enjoys a glass of wine with his meal..

You wrote:

you had a few "issues' Don't we all. I know you are a rescuer besides, I know you say you cant change, and I'm supposed to say, adapt and I'm sitting with you and all that,

But you suffer fools badly, Only reason I get away with what I do is you know I'm still a kid

and I mean well. . .

Please don't take on board my own painful stories mate, because honestly, I'm realy good with it all. long time ago and my brain has special wiring that lets me walk on coals.

Only way for me to remember what you said currently..is to copy and paste a la above style..

Yes I am a rescuer.

Yes I do not suffer fools gladly; after attempting to offer support and a listening ear for some time.

I give people many chances in real life. Too many at my own expense sometimes.

Then the door gets closed.

Survival lesson learnt after being taken advantage of too many times and disrespect....well will leave this conversation alone now....you get my drift...yes always drifting..

As far as being a kid.

You will probably laugh when I tell you this ..

I have never grown up and never will. It is the child in me whom I love and bravely stand up for. There is my strength. There is my voice. There is the protector. There is the loyalty. There is me.

Most have no concept of this and that is fine as my child is safer then.

Rather than turning a blind eye with you, I allow you to be your child. Yourself. That is where your strength is. Despite everything in your life and your brain injuries there is a wonderful pure, beautiful, strong boy who survives. There is your beauty, your story telling, your creation.

Your very essence.

There is our friendship...two children innocently playing...friendship holding them without them even being aware...

My child relates to your child. The innocence, purity, determination, creativity, persistence, protector and survivor.

Thank you for letting me know that you are at peace with your past in as much as your mind tells you. This is reassuring for me.

Have you not noticed that I do not hang onto you I want you to roam freely and enjoy new friendships, beginnings?

Read Desiderata.

The last part is the part that is hard to put into words and for the majority to understand.

The pain I feel is a deep part of who I am as a person. It is not part of any illness or need.

It is something that has been with me for life as it comes with the insurmountable amount of love that I have as I truly feel for others who are sincere.

It has been explained to me by some specialists in particular people of a different culture.

I am not going to try to express that here as one has to be this way to understand it's meaning.

No I am not mother Theresa.

I am me.

Laugh I do not expect you to tell me to adapt or that you will sit with me.

That is not my language. This you already know.

This is very supportive for others though and helps them tremendously.

I am not dismissing the value in any way.

Just not me.

I don't really sit still anyway I just drift.

So back to the submarine.

I need to reply to several others.

I also need to respond to one of the most beautiful pieces of prose anyone has ever written to me when I can allow the time deserving of such writing...

So I leave you with this picture....if it works ...non techno skills sigh....

Sophia1

It was speculated to be a Chinese spy vessel or the Beatles’ famous yellow submarine.

However Queensland authorities have reached a conclusion following their investigation into the unusual piece of debris that washed up on a beach at Double Island Point, north of the Sunshine Coast.

The yellow object, spotted by a passer-by on Thursday morning, was the subject of much speculation after being posted on

“Chinese spy submarine? Or someone has lost their sonar drone,” said one person, in a comment echoed by others.

Others suggested it was linked to an unidentified spherical object found this week on a beach in Japan.

An unusual bit of debris has washed up on a beach at Double Island Point in Queensland. Credit: Geoff Feeley

Another popular theory claimed it was the elusive subject of the Beatles’ 1966 hit Yellow Submarine.

However, all those theories have been blown out of the water by Maritime Safety Queensland, which has deemed the object to be a buoy.

“Maritime Safety Queensland (MSQ) is aware of a buoy that has washed up on the beach at Double Island Point yesterday,” quoted by general manager Ken Dillon “MSQ is making enquiries to identify the owner of the buoy.

“It is also monitoring the risk of the buoy refloating while these enquiries are made and may take action to secure it if necessary.”

An interesting concept isn't it Tonys,

Speculation......consumes hours and hours of at times boring conversation..

then occasionally one comes across a few who have an imagination..

They have no idea that it is operated by a virtual Sophia who has zero sense of direction.

Yes has been missing..

Literally in mind..

Beached up ?

Now the quandary is how do we get it back without anyone noticing?

Or better still, it has already moved on and the experts busy speculating have not even noticed.

Where is it now?

On some star somewhere...

Sorry I did say that I have no sense of direction and my mind is confused...

I will leave that for another day.

Thank you Tonys ,

my family will do our best this weekend.

I will lose myself in the moment and find some joy

Enjoy those rotisseries over the roaring fire and the sound of the bottle cork popping.

Ciao

Sophia1