Living with Ourselves

@Sophia1

Lots of parallels. Good point, that phrase allows of individual paths and alignments.

I understand that deleting can help, and I believe we have that right, as it is our own intellectual copyright, and moral decision making, as usually I delete parts of my posts to protect someone.

You wrote: "I apparently was a wanderer and would merrily chat away to anyone even with a quiet voice. I think that strangers were the only people who listened to me." That is heart wrenching to read, but very consistent with how little children behave, and not that unusual or odd I would think.

Re: "I was constantly teased and subdued by my twin." We did not have much teasing in my family of origin, so in a sense I was lucky, but sadly I witnessed something similar in the dominance of my older daughter over my firstborn. They were 16 months apart, but in a twin pusher for a while. It was horrible, and the family still suffers because of it. I was not able to manage it, and nor was I given permission to discipline the offender. So a lot of my inner Mama Bear or Lioness was compromised due to blended family situation and govt involvement in that generation as well ... cos of her biological mother's schizophrenia etc. For YOU, It would not have been easy to live with such continual, long term and close bullying.

Ha ha about the curly hair. Love that.

Sounds like we had a "parallel" kind of relationship with our father, only mine died when I was 11, but there was a similar quality about it. He encouraged my learning, my mother always squashed it and implied I had not worked enough, and drove me to chronic pain with my neck condition.

had to go to supermarket cos ran out of cornflour... needed for dinner.

We are having John Dory and Green Curry with thai paste and coconut powder.

Love to talk more about the inner Lionness ... another time.

Love that you also got along better with men, rather than being too girly. I call that my tomboy side, but it was rarely a choice thing, more of a necessity. Mature womanhood is complex.

Love Apple

hi @Sophia1 my beautiful friend,

im so glad you are working through things and taking time out for you to heal and recover.

no the bike is not finished yet, still working on it, i am enjoying it and just taking my time.

mum is ok, she had a fall a few months ago, she has recovered well, my aunt had a full knee replacement and is recovering well also. i take dinners around to her every night and take her to appointments.

going out is not good for me as it makes me very anxious, i hope in time you can get out and about, it know the longer i stayed at home the worse my anxiety has gotten, i hope it is not the same for you. after 22 years i don't know if i could go back to being social.

please be gentle with yourself, i know the struggles of mental illness you will have good and bad days, just remember it can't rain forever.

my girlfriend and i are doing well, i love her so so much i still don't think i am good enough for her, but that is just my insecurities. i try my best the be the best partner i can be for her.

so glad your gardenia is going well, i lost one of mine, i think mum sprayed rounup on it by mistake. i will plant a new one.

hugs my dear friend, remember so many people care about you.

Jacques

Hugs @Jacques

Good to read your catch up with @Sophia1

You are being social and responsible with your family and loved ones. That is more than enough. You do not have to measure up all the time. If others have not convinced you of their sincerity, then that says it all.

Ha ha, I have a story about them too. A couple months ago I transplanted my gardenia for a little more sun, it was not happy, but seems to have taken the shift fine. Now its getting coffee grounds to help perk it up.

Back to our moving a lot in childhood Sophia. I am so analytical I reflect about my plants as if they were people. Working out what the necessary "conditions for life" is a big theme for me, then I divide it up into plant and animal kingdoms ....

cheers Apple

Hello dear friend @Jacques

I feel as though you are family and I mean that as a compliment because some of my family I wish were not related to me laugh.

Sorry to hear about the situation with your aunt and mum.

Very draining and worrying for you as I know how close you are to your mum.

Know that you are doing as much as you can for her and please do not allow yourself to become burnt out as is what happened to me even though I was so certain that I had everything under control.

I have had to tell myself that my son has his own life as I have had mine.

I am always here for him and will listen to him when he is respectful and when I am well enough.

I tell him when he allows me to speak that I will always love him no matter what.

He is seriously unwell now and I have to accept that as hard as that is. He needs professional care by people who are qualified wherever one might find them. I have little faith in the health system as a whole due to lack of help and support from many when trying to get help for him.

There were some excellent staff though and the sad thing is that the ones who should not be working within the industry give the whole system a bad name. I always give positive feedback when I receive genuine help.

Going to your aunt's every night is admirable and she must be so very appreciative.

You are a tower of strength for your family.

As for your love for your girlfriend your questioning yourself is more than likely derived from your isolating; your current caring role and yes your own insecurities.

However, I will add that even people without mental health issues in relationships where there is distance more often than not question themselves so please take some of this pressure off of yourself.

She might possibly be worrying about the same and not mentioned the fact.

Savour and enjoy what you have.

You have been together some time now.

Remind yourself of all of the good times no matter how small.

Remember all of the spontaneous laughs.

They are what count and make a good relationship.

I had to smile about the roundup.

My husband has on rare occasions when he does weed; removed seedlings, bulbs and left weeds that were next to them.

Sprayed roundup even though I hate him using the stuff on weeds on paths or driveway only for it to end my plants on the edge.

We have had extremely strong winds here and a few pots, ornaments are broken.

Garden looks very tired from hard winter and weeds are bursting forth as usual.

I shall get out there eventually.

Lovely to hear from you and thank you for telling me that so many people care for me. It is so easy to lose sight of that fact when feeling in a bad place.

big hug

Sophia 🧡

hello lovely @Appleblossom

I had written another long long reply only to be lost somewhere in the neverneverland yet again.

There is a whole book waiting for someone to read.

Many parallels again in your last reply.

In particular Schizophrenia and bullying of younger sibling.

Older son with younger son.

Had not put that down to schizophrenia.

gardenia am frightened to repot, move am just leaving where is for moment.

not gardening currently anyway

winter garden looking very sad and forlorn; neglected.

I will get there one day.

will catch up another time

have a few others need to write a quick word to.

caio bella amici

Sophia

🧡

The garden can be whatever it is @Sophia1 , but it is nice to have the option to play in it and have it cocoon us.

I first heard of the word "schizophrenia" when I was 20 and brother phoned me and told me that dad had it. I studied up on it. Bought a second hand psych nurse manual and then at 25 studied psychosocial theory, then married a man and took on his baby, whose both parents "had it." So lots of experience at close hand and theoretical with "it".

Yes expect respect from your son. Accepting too much behaviour just habituates them and does not bring out the best in them. Therein does lie a value on limits or boundaries in the new speak. Just love him best you can, which as a parent includes EXPECTATIONS. I am struggling at the moment with mine, who is being "well behaved" but it is not him living to his full potential.

I lived with fear of getting "it" as my file said both my parents had it, so the odds were high etc etc. Now (40 years later) I am convinced it is "not genetic" in any simplistic sense, but trauma related. I also have seen how some psychiatrists can seduce well meaning family into believing their loved one has a physically based illness to be treated with meds, but more and more I am convinced it is not the case. My ex husband was highly educated in biology and psychology but also had schizophrenia ... his from older brother bully, physical health use and 20 years daily drug use. I felt sorry for him and his baby, left work and study and got involved. Ex was also well read in all the antipsychiatry ... so we bonded on all that. But he did not care for me as an individual and so I lost my health, and everything almost, just clinging onto life.

There is hope for your other boy, and I wish you both find the path to a better life for him and you. As loving mums we cannot and should not totally disconnect from our offspring. Allow them launching into life ... is one thing ...

Love your posts to @Jacques I tend to be more brief and scientific in my language. Does not mean I do not have feelings or compassion, just that I am wary of soft and fluffy when it has not been genuine (hurt in the past). I get you and Jacques are genuine and it matters to me

Love Apple

over here @tonys

is where you will often find me when I visit the forums.

I often write away to myself; some refer to it as journalling.

I love writing; only when it flows though.

You have a very creative side and much depth adding richness to your poetic style.

Thank you for sharing with me that you are autistic.

I am drawn to people who are very much themselves.

You are interesting.

My older son is on the autism scale and I believe that if I was younger in this time, I too would be now classified as autistic on the lower end of the scale.

There are many traits and outcomes that lead myself and therapist to believe this to be a possibility.

For me it no longer matters what I am. Or what word describes another.

How that person responds to me and the invisible connection we might have is what makes meeting people fascinating.

Yes I have always wanted to fly of my own will and strength unassisted.

I have loved swimming under the water.

Perhaps I am a bird or a fish or moreso I am me.

I shall keep all of my writings which yes, as you say they read differently when I return to them.

My therapist wants me to write more and more.

Have you had any of your poetry published? or have you already answered that?

As for the glasses for your eyes they are yours to wear or not to wear.

Only you can see through your own eyes.

Enjoy where your mind takes you.

Lovely meeting you.

If you do not feel comfortable over here tag me from where you do or where you land.

a new friend

Sophia

Dear @Adge

Oh my goodness.

I had to go back and read over your post again more slowly this time to try and digest everything that you have been enduring of late on top of what I remember you had already been through.

So sorry to hear about the divorce scenario.

When it is over though you will feel such a heavy load off of your shoulders.

I have been down that track many years ago and be very careful with the legal side.

My lawyer wanted me to press for more and more.

Children involved changes the whole dynamics.

I started to question whether the lawyer saw more dollars for her as she believed that I was a pushover. Many have said I was mad.

I believed that I was looking after my own peace of mind; health and safety of my boys as well.

Leaving a very unhealthy marriage behind where he would have worked very hard to take my boys away from me. I could not risk that.

I walked away from more monetary gain and am glad that I did not put myself through the courts. This would have had a snowball effect on my boys. Children are always affected during divorce; even moreso with court settlements. They often hide this for years and it comes out later when they are adults. Mine have discussed much at random moments.

All for what? Money is not everything trust me.

Legal aid?

You are still entitled to what is rightfully yours though.

You have a new aviary and some birds inside that you love. Something to look forward to when you go outside. Birds to care for and love and bring you love and joy in return.

I am not surprised that you are bruised; black and blue I imagine and yes the colour will take some time to dissipate.

I hope you your humour is still there dear Adge.

Might you tell yourself that you have saved money and do not need to pay for ink to be injected into your body.

I do not suggest you try the same effort again.

Have you heard of the celebrating of a divorce?

An escape from some horror not yet written?

An opportunity to be you and not a person someone else tries to make you into?

Once those papers are signed can you celebrate? safely I might add not swinging from any chandelier.

You could always throw a divorce party on the forums I know that you would have many guests turn up.

Tread carefully.

Make decisions in your own time that you have available.

seek help but do not fork out too much money

Above all do not seek vengeance.

Seek release and relief.

A failed marriage is not a sign that you are a failure.

It is what it is; a failed relationship for whatever reasons and needs little energy wasted on it.

As there is far too much energy wasted within it.

Take care dear friend and write when you feel like it.

I hope that I have not spoken out of turn and offended you.

This is always my fear when I go off on a tangent.

I truly do feel for you and am sending you thoughts for healing in body and mind

Sophia

🧡💚💜

hello @Appleblossom

another response floated away to join the rest of the now bulging book in neverneverland

my computer keeps on freezing

I was not aware that Schizophrenia was so dominant in your upbringing.

I am not sure if that is the diagnosis of your son or not as well.

Yes I agree it has been deemed to be genetic.

As with all genetic conditions they are not realised until symptoms start to appear.

Then the powers that be want to look back and find genetic background to help them put a diagnosis into a box.

I believe as you do trauma; abi and or grief can bring on symptoms of more serious illness.

Again the genetics are then investigated.

For my son trauma and varying head injuries; physical abuse have certainly resulted in his suffering; whatever label fleeting medical people who meet him; against his will, deem it to be.

Angry; yes I am.

Throw away the text books.

Look at the individual.

Look at now.

Look at alternatives.

Above all offer respect; support and a willingness to listen.

Look and listen to the human being and treat them as one of humanity with rights.

Then an element of hope might be felt by the recipient.

I will get off of my soap box.

I do not wish to diminish your experiences at all Appleblossom as they are very real for you and from what I can read between the lines there has been much ill judgement thrown your way over the years.

You have many strengths and a strong character.

I have witnessed such growth in your writing; in particular your expression over the time that I have known you.

I am reminded of having this conversation several years ago where you pointed out the difference in our writing styles.

My warm and fluffy style I feel rambles on and on loses it's purpose; most likely losing any audience.

Your style is succinct and meaningful.

Perhaps we both have value in our words to offer each visitor, that might signify a totally different meaning to every single reader.

This is the value of language to me, however expressed.

You offer so very much to @Jacques that I know he treasures and values deeply. If anything he probably finds your style more easily to read and less time consuming.

Another forum member who gives far more to others than he realises.

Interesting that the three of us relate so well.

I would go as far as to say it is meant to be.

Thank you for everything that you have written to me.

I will try to condense my posts; knowing full well as I write this, that is going to be nigh impossible.

@Jacquesplease do not wear yourself out.

Your mother and Aunt love you so much for everything that you have already done for them.

Spend time together when you can but not at the expense of your health.

From your friend who cannot yet get outside.

Sophia 💚

Hello Sane

It is impossible for me to tag every single person with whom I have connected.

There are so many of you who have a voice with something of value to say.

There are so many of you who say little yet support with all your heart.

I am needing to give to me today.

I have to practise giving more to myself.

This has involved hiding from the world and allowing myself to be free from a mask.

What am I talking about?

Today I have to go out to an extended family gathering which is a huge huge effort for me as since my life challenges have increased I have found myself self isolating.

This I recognise to be another form of dissociating which I am all too familiar with; in hindsight or from therapy; yet not at the time.

For me I degeneralise from society within my home.

Not healthy

I will get there today.

I will be friendly and chat asking others how they are. They have no interest in me.

These are not people I would choose to have in my life.

For years I have suffered the self centred and felt as though they have robbed something from me. No more.

They are in my life.

The day shall pass.

There will be very young children there and these will be the people with whom I connect.

The intelligent, curious, unscathed, innocent minds.

This I look forward to.

This is helping me.

This I hope is going to be a small step forward in accepting myself to be safe without any mask

(ironic about the current mask worldwide- this of course is not the mask that I am referring to)

I have a song that I am dedicating to my twin whom I still love with all my heart.

Her controlling; narcissistic ways have caused much harm.

I do not like her attitude or her behaviour.

I do not like her selfishness.

I do not like her cruelty.

I am allowed to still love her as that is my love not hers.

What she does with it is up to her.

Our bond will always be there.

She is a part of who I am and I am learning to live with her in me; without her in my life when I feel that I need her.

She will reappear as she does when she needs me and then abruptly leave as is her way.

That is her pain.

No longer mine.

I did not know where else to write this. I originally wrote this on the worry room.

I have moved it back here.

My safe space.

It has been troublesome for a lifetime up to now.

This is where I am right now.

I know that I can safely feel that I will have my friends holding my hand as I put myself in yet another judgemental place.

"Extended Family" who are not chosen by me.

I will have them in my life in my way to honour my husband.

I am trusting in myself that I am where I need to be as I venture in a new direction.

Hopefully outside of my home and back into the world,

Gently gently bently my beautiful friend on here writes beautifully

I dedicate this song to today

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PzQHZLiUPs