Living with Ourselves

@eudemonism

Thank you for passing by..

I very much appreciate your encouragement and belief in me...

you are having your own struggles at the moment....still making the effort to tell me that you believe in me..

That means more than you can imagine..

I have been so afraid that I have overwhelmed..intruded even interfered with your recovery at times...

I want you to believe in you....you are strong too and I believe in you..

please look after yourself and give yourself encouragement..

we both need to listen to each other..

Hello @Zoe7

The butterfly symbolism has probably come up with a few others...I have a friend who had a strong connection with butterflies

with me..A mass of them swirled across my path back and forth as I was hiking..a few days after my father passing...never seen anything like it before or since..

interesting that you got something out of my thinking...I can be way deeper than that..

I think a lot actually...as I spent so much time not being listened to or not given the opportunity to ask all of the questions that I had growing up I learnt to ask myself..

When I am weighed down...as at present...my thinking can be self loathing..so I have to have internal dialogues to stop that..then the tears flow..then the sadness..

depression lurking..waiting for me to internalise the sadness and the self loathing..

hope this isn't triggering..

@Zoe7

I was going to edit my reply..read it again and thought not too heavy ..let me know

I do remember now that you mentioned it the hiking story after your Dad's passing. I knew it was something to do with your Dad @Sophia1

I was similar to you growing up - I didn't feel like I had a voice so I studied anything I could. I have always found writing easier than talking - and I attribute that to being silenced so much when I tried to use my voice

Your words are not triggering Hon but they do resonate with me so much. I internalise a lot also and it can lead to some very low lows. I am finding it a little easier to work my way out of the darkness than I used to but I still have very low times and they can be quite scary still.

I know you are feeling all the physical and mental pain right now @Sophia1 but like @eudemonism I believe in you - you are a strong, capable woman and you can overcome this. Try not to let your thoughts consume you and believe in yourself as we do. I know this does not seem possible sometimes but the more people have told me the same the more I have had glimmers of hope myself.

@Zoe7

It is something that happens when I take on too much at once..

my mind switches somehow...

I become depersonalised...I am aware of myself from outside of myself..sounds potty..

so I know that I am strong on the outside ..that is the rational self..

it is the inner self that has separated where the old patterned thinking is happening..

other times I dissociate and am not a part of my environment..

I have learnt to recognise these times and work through them in my therapy..

they are safety measures from all of the past traumas..

I am just weary now so slipping back into old patterned thinking...

The good part of all of this even though it doesn't sound good is that I am expressing it...avoiding burying it..

where my old enemy depression is lurking..

you have come a long way from where you were..well done Zoe..I know that you have had a lot of support on here which certainly helps..

thank you again for listening...yes similar thinking in growing up..

I daydreamed a lot...was depressed from an early age before teens my analyst told me years ago when first diagnosed...hence so many blanks..

I thought of you earlier cuddling up with Toby and missed my fur soul cat..have two cats now ..one will only sit on my lap not next to me..he will not come up on the settee if I am laying down..the other cat will lay at the side of me..can't cuddle her at all.. She won't sit on laps either..

they all have their own personalities...

It doesn't sound potty at all @Sophia1 - makes complete sense to me I do something similar when the pain is too much to handle - it actually helps me to survive - as if I subconsciously know that thinking and feeling will be too much for me to handle so I shut down my mind to cope. I suppose for me it is a form of dissociation but I am still usually aware of what is happening around me.

I think it takes a strong person to be able to recognise the patterns of behaviour and take appropriate steps to counteract - or at least get through - that period.

I have had a lot of support on here - and I am getting much better at asking for it when I am not coping - that is a big step for me. I do reach out to the helpcentre too when I can't connect on the forum - sometimes I don't want to bother anyone and other times there are things going on I can't write on here so the helpcentre has been invaluable in those times.

I am glad you have your companion cats even if they aren't very snuggly. I wish everyone had a Toby - he is the most beautiful tempered little dog - he definitely knows he is loved and gives it in return 10 fold My first cat was the same as your soul cat - she was a special cat - snuggled in next to me with her head on my shoulder everynight - I didn't think I could love another animal like I did her but then I got my second cat and although she wasn't the same she was still very special - and then Toby entered my life so I was blessed with love again

I am needing to log off @Sophia1 - very tired now and going to try for sleep. Look forward to our next chat here. Stay strong Hon - as hard as it is you are doing it

Hello @Zoe7

yes is late..I must get off of here...keeps me awake otherwise..

thanks again for listening..

I don't mean to sound as though I have had no support either..

getting all confusing now..

I have had some wonderful support at times..

Many lovely people on these forums..

am just drained emotional and sensitive...we have to know when to wrap ourselves in cotton wool..

goodnight..sleep well all