Living with Ourselves

Hello @Eve7

I dont believe that we have met before either. Or should I say do not remember if we have.

No matter.

We have met now.

Thank you for the hello.

I am travelling better today. I have had a long walk after a long walk yesterday.

This always sends wonderful feelings coursing through my veins.

I hope that you too are finding something to smile about in your day.

Take care

Sophia

@Eve7 😄 what a lovely thing to say :)

Hey @Sophia1

I have been walking each day for the past week and I also find it jolts my veins into action!

Walking is a great activity for our wellbeing.

Thanks for replying and I hope you continue to have a good day.

💛🏃‍♀️💛

@Sophia1 You are always wise and your words resonate. I hope your future is filled with happiness

Hello @Zoe7

Thank you

I can sense that to reply here was a struggle for you.

I know that feeling having hidden over here many times.

I appreciate your effort.

I will not ask questions rather respect your space.

I wanted to let you know that I remember the frivolous moments we shared with @Bunniekins a couple of times with her everchanging wardrobe. Her greenpea vehicle.

Another time with @eth I believe; staying up very late travelling down memory lane, discussing antics that we had got up to. I could not sleep that night. Out of sheer laughter and was so high on that feeling. Usually not sleeping as a result of my racing mind taking me to places I do not want to go.

Flutter where you feel the safest.

Thank you for visiting.

Very much appreciated

Sophia 💚

My ramblings today

My days are often filled with recognising what feelings are arising or which mood is lurking.

Then trying different strategies to not pay too much attention to them so that they can just get lost.

My hardest times are at night. I often long for that feeling where my bed welcomes me, I hit the pillow.

Then

boom the mind races, in overdrive.

Last night was particularly bad.

I rang lifeline and felt that the person was going through the motions. Responding with practised lines.

This could have also been down to my mood and how my sensitivity, defence mechanisms kicked into place.

I have landed back here.

Now I must stretch, move and do something

I hope that all who pass and read, can take with them my gratitude for visiting, along with my conveying a message back that need not be responded to.

Please find something that is sheer beauty to oberve, hear, feel, sense, somehow somewhere.

I am trying to practise honouring each day for something that life is revealing to me in the world outside of my home.

This is a new strategy to prevent my isolating.

Feel something new no matter how fleeting.

💚

@Sophia1 👍🌹😀💗

As always @Sophia1 words of wisdom and of hope - keep being you

Beautifully written @Sophia1 I am trying to put my thoughts into a gratitude journal in an attempt to refocus my negative mindset.

The words are a bit sparse so far but I’m doing my best.

You have inspired me today. Thank you

I am back here in my safe place.

My forum journal.

I land here when I am exhausted and my mind will not allow thoughts and words to form.

I wrote the following to outlander, feeling very sad that I had not been able to correspond with her often enough, even rarely for some time.

This is the case for many others with whom I have come to know, feel close to.

I was not able to find you for a while.

At other times it took me far too long to respond to others.

Then I find that I have to leave the computer and move.

Time for dinner or shopping or appointments.

Catch up with carers.

All of the above might be seen as excuses. I sincerely say with hand on heart they are not.

You also know the feeling of being drained of energy.

Trying to tackle too many tasks at once.

Taking on other's pain and offering support too much.

I truly am sorry to read that you are still suffering with migraines (bad enough) then other ongoing diagnoses, conditions.

I can feel the strong love and support for you on this thread which takes me to a place where I feel reassured that you are being held.

I am not uptodate again I find myself writing with your current situation and family.

I am finding this is the case with everyone on the forums whom I have known for some time.

I can only manage to pass by and let you know that I do care very much even if you do not see my words, my icon.

Take care and be kind to outlander

much love to you

💚

I copied and pasted these words to save having to think.

I am suffering fatigue again due to so many nights of little if any sleep.

I had a very difficult call, one of the hardest in a long time, from family member.

I listen as I know the sheer terror and fear this person feels.

All alone, homeless for the better part of this years. Temporarily taken to a safe place during covid.

I even listened longer to the abuse reminding myself that it is the illness, my person is still in there and is ringing me as I am so deeply connected.

I am crying as I write this, as it hurts terribly.

Then the horrid stuff that on top of all the other abuse finally became all too much and I hung up.

Cried my heart out. At least some release there, not burial of feelings leaving to the dreaded depression rearing it's ugly head.

I rang life-line as a means of talking it out. A lovely lady stayed with me for quite a long time, listening, reassuring me and checking that I was safe. She invited me to ring back again, whenever I needed even later last night.

This helped.

Then I went through to my husband and just broke down again. I normally hold back my feelings around family member as husband hates to see much I am hurting. He tells me that I must not answer any more. Then I have to explain that will never happen. I will never let go.

This time he listened and did not disagree. He held me and did not try to tell me how to feel better, just stayed with me.

I asked him to help me make dinner and he made dinner himself. I just laid the table.

This was very supportive and I thanked him letting him know how much it meant to me and that also I normally hide these feelings from him. He said that he knew.

At the carers lunch the next day my mind was chaotic and I felt so disoriented.

I felt as though every single person there could see me falling apart.

I also met a former work colleague and friend who was there and we promised as we have before to meet up with other friend. I said wait until february more likely to happen. Get the silly season out of the way first.

Now it is the middle of the afternoon and all I want to do is go to bed.

I had to do more of the horrible food shopping which I detest doing.

Hopping about trying to dodge the many who do not social distance.

Then I remind myself I cannot save the world.

I can be responsible and do my part. That is enough.

Tomorrow is another big day out.

I have a busy week this week and the following one.

Then it is countdown and preparation for Christmas Day.

We are still surrounded by dirt, nicely laid out and fitted with an upmarket sprinkler system that my husband has spent ages on. I should be grateful not moaning.

I just want the dirt and dust gone.

Nothing in the whole scale of things.

I also witnessed a car accident the other day, a very loud bang, write in front of where I was walking. I directed traffic checked on people, stayed with one person until paramedics came. Then found myself in a state of shock. Somebody rang my son who took me to hospital to be checked. I did not want to stay and went back to son's. collected my car later.

Trauma piles up. It hangs around and is awakened when more trauma occurs. This has been the case for so long with me that one of my diagnoses is chronic trauma.

Unwell minds and difficult situations drain away so much energy, leaving the body feeling totally depleted.

This is how I feel now.

I cannot stop the tears.

I am so tired and do not want to feel like this anymore.

I am so tired from awful things that my family members have said to me over the years of my life.

My younger son is not like this. He is a very empathic, caring soul. He has a beautiful aura and is very good with children as well as autistic children.

He helps one of his client's autistic teenager.

I am starting to ramble now so will end today's blech.

😶