Living with Ourselves

Now the tears are flowing....

thank you for such a beautiful response...touched my heart..

a reminder to myself how harshly I judge myself..

how I need to put myself up there ith all others...

my feeling this way is exactly what I was trying to express for us all to be mindful of in others ..

I am saddened by the fact that I had this reaction...

Thank you for your support @eth @outlander @Former-Member💚♥️💚

It will be 7 weeks this coming Monday since I was admitted to hospital for my surgery......the Tuesday being the day of the operation...

I believe that my self- preservation instinct has sheltered me from acknowledging. ...realising...that I have had this major operation..

I seem to have blanked out periods of those weeks..

I do remember only too well that on the day sf admittance we drove an hour out of our way so that I could see my mum..believing the feeling would be reciprocated..

sadly the dynamics of twin and mum..versus self were in force on that day..

mother announcing did not want to see or hear from me....had been told something of strained conversation between self and twin day before....ongoing trying to change me to be and think like her..not coping with my finally politely standing up for myself..

It is astounding how after many years of feeling that must not upset the apple cart...must think of their feelings...mediate...make the first move to maintain family relationships...suddenly blows up in my face...they can assert ...cannot accept change in me when I do..I am deemed as being difficult..

I have already spoken with twin about moving forward..no further discussion on what happened..even though she tried again to get me to see her point...twin happy..now overseas..am very happy that she is..she deserves all of such joy and told her this ...to go away..forget about everything and everyone here...be her and enjoy..

I decided to ring nursing home where mum now lives....have respected mum's wishes and not had contact..Mother's Day approaching...not that I believe in the idea...rang and asked to speak to nurse looking after mum..explained to him briefly..he asked lots of questions..I asked him to only state that I had called to ask how she was...He said he would let me know outcome...

I have to say that he was very surprised when mother said she appreciated my call but was happy to leave things as they were...she did tell him something of conversation with sister...whatever that was..

He said that he mentioned it might be good now to bury the hatchet...

He told me that she presents as a very pleasant lady who apparently is very happy in her new room surrounded by friends..

He could not believe how unbending she was.. He told me to try again..I said that she is very stoic..I will noI give up hope and that I was pleased to hear that she is happy and has made new friends ..it is her life now..

I was unhappy though at the reaffirmation yet again of which twin clearly means everything and which one might as well not exist..

needless to say that neither of them acknowledge mental unwellness...speak about it..therefore do not understand ...unless it is someone outside of the family...then it is how hard it is..

Physical illness totally different approach...she has shown much empathy to twin with operations....mine...none..

have just cancelled psyche appointment today...enough is enough..

so am going to burrow into myself...Yes I am very sad...totally different type of mother to me..my love is unconditional as I told twin...Mother's love appears to be on her terms..

I just need to digest this and self nurture...It is not me who has done anything wrong...

some people do not have empathy.."........."..............

bigs hugs @Sophia1 breathe.. and lots of self care

Yes thankyou all

💚♥️💜

That must hurt so much @Sophia1 - I can relate somewhat as my mother is cold. She always has been and I wish I knew the love of a mother. I always feel my gorgeous, loving soulmate husband was sent to make up for it.....he really is my life. Not sure what I would do without him....

I don't understand why some people don't have empathy, I could imagine though it would not be a very happy state of existence being so hard of heart. Sad really. As when I feel compassion and love, that is when I feel truly alive inside - unless it is grief......There is a flip side to everything I suppose, but I would rather have known love than never experiencing it at all. It is the only one true thing that lasts....it is everything.

After the major surgery you have been through I think it amazing how strong you are - how you are still caring and reaching out to others. You are one special woman @Sophia1 - and your mother is blind to this beauty. Keep believing in you no matter what as there is a big heart in there that others need. 🤗❤️

Thinking of you @Sophia1 and sending warm wishes.

Hello @outlander

Saw your likes on the other thread...

have been thinking about you...I had not thought about your being affected by several people leaving the forums...

Not wanting to make you feel worse...just validate how real your feelings are so that you do not bury them..

How are you today? along with ongoing physical issues as well as mind struggles....

because

afternoon @Sophia1

i tend to give alot of likes lol. thank you for thinking of me, your often in my thoughts too

yeh ive lost quite a few friends here of late but im more worried about their wellbeing and hoping they are ok etc. hoping they might pop in again soon/one day. thank you for validating them.

im not really going that well. my physical things are making it abit difficult. i keep dropping my phone, and getting quite upset and frustrated. im trying really hard not to take it out on anyway when in reality i can feel myself breaking. anyway enoughs about me.

how are you holding up with everything? how is your pain going? i was on the art thread earlier. i added a link in there for you if your interested.

still waiting on your pic. heres one for you though

big hugs @Sophia1, are you ok my friend xx