Living with Ourselves

@Sophia1 hope the virus has receded, giving you a chance for your other restorative surgery.

I walked on egg shells yesterday, but the evening turned good.

Get WELL SOON.

Hello @MDT

Thanks for response...

You sound happy that your mum is coming home today....lovely...

Exercising at the gym....great for body and mind....used to do that years ago....

hello @Owlunar @eudemonism@outlander@Shaz51

There are so many things that I do love about living here....everything that I imagined when I was in the city.

I was very keen and passionate about bringing the gardens to life and being creative when I first moved up here....The garden beds kept growing as I added more plants...maintaining these...weeding...pruning ...watering....very time consuming and impossible for me now with my back...

So observing many plants that were so beautiful and now have died is very deflating...the weeds are standing strong and in abundance...almost defiantly...

We will both miss the birdlife...I will definitely miss the cows next door and the horses across the road...

A new start....downsize....a small manageable garden...productive as well...am looking forward to that part intensely

Moving to the country is also isolating as there are many clicks up here....I am not interested in sport other than soccer...occasionally football...the tour de france...

I have been very low as walking has been taken out of the equation...

I am supposed to have a day procedure at the hospital for ongoing tests this monday ....now that I have this virus they are wanting to postpone...I just want it done and out of the way..

I feel as though I sound like Mrs Moaning Minnie....

I am normally a bubbly..positive friendly type of person...

so am loathing myself even more at the moment...

all of this is about what has been happening in real life and what has been coming up to the surface in therapy...

acceptance..acknowledgement...dismissal all huge implications...factors in my growing up...

I just want you all to know that I write the words on here to release....much of this stuff has been buried for so long and the time has come where I must not only release...acknowledge....allow...learn to understand...be at peace with it...

most of all accept myself and stop this negative self loathing that is old patterned thinking...

no matter if none of this makes sense...it does to me...

I hope that you are all travelling well and feel that if you need to release your feelings...you can do so on this thread at any time too..

now to look for some pictures...

hmmm

It all makes complete sense @Sophia1 and is so great that you feel comfortable enough to write and release some of what is going on for you on here.

I understand your pain at not having the strength because of your back to do any of the garden - that is one thing I have been missing doing myself - there is so much that needs to be done but having a bad bad certainly stops that from hapening. The cold weather certainly doesn't help in that regard either - even with my back improving slowly the freezing weather is stopping me doing even the smallest amount - frustrating!

I hope you get over this virus you have quickly and can have the procedure you need soon - that would be adding to your own frustrations and making you feel down as well - having a physical illness(es) certainly affect our mental state as well

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@Sophia1 wrote:

I feel as though I sound like Mrs Moaning Minnie....

I am normally a bubbly..positive friendly type of person...

so am loathing myself even more at the moment...

all of this is about what has been happening in real life and what has been coming up to the surface in therapy...

acceptance..acknowledgement...dismissal all huge implications...factors in my growing up...

I just want you all to know that I write the words on here to release....much of this stuff has been buried for so long and the time has come where I must not only release...acknowledge....allow...learn to understand...be at peace with it...

most of all accept myself and stop this negative self loathing that is old patterned thinking...

no matter if none of this makes sense...it does to me...

I understand @Sophia1 - I feel as if I am whinging when I talk about the down-side of my life - and two things spring to mind

You don't sound like Mrs Moaning Millie - whoever she is -

And we are here to release our feelings - some seem to do it better than others - I am learning how to write and be as honest as I am comfortable with - this is why we are here

This is a fantastic community - it's safe and we can be as honest as we feel okay about - and I would encourage you to continue - actually - you are helping me to come out from my privacy and WASPy place and sharing some relevant truth myself - for this I thank you

And I understand about your back stopping you from doing stuff - eg walking - I have the same stuff and I need to get out and walk more but the cold weather lately has kinda made me stay home though I try and get out each day - it's really hard

And your garden - personally I have a brown elbow and now my small garden is pretty well established with the assistance of my daughter who has magic green fingers - but so much of what I try dies - and I do so love the cacti and succulents I keep on my kitchen window sill but they tend to die from either not watering enough of over-watering - botheration - I am a gifted person but not in that area - as you say - deflating

It's frustrating when we have to face life changes - and now your on-going tests have to be delayed because the Dreaded Lurgie has a prior advantage in your life - I get it - when I am having something done I get anxious - as much as I dread what is happening I want it over - even little sores can make a hospital itchy about operating

I hope it can go ahead for you though

And you have down-sized and made a new start in the country - I like the idea - and your story about a cow possibly calving made me think you were in the country - I grew up in a semi-rural area - it was incredibly interesting - a lot of my best stories come from that time

You are okay - you have joined us because of emotional discomfort of some kind and the expression "mental illness" doesn't sit well with me but I am learning that depression (in the deep past for me) and anxiety (ongoing for me) are considered mental illness I guess I have something wrong in that department

However - I consider pretty much that many things can pass with help or be treated - we can "get better" - some conditions are harder to deal with but I also feel there is hope. Most people seem to be constantly and consistently working toward "okay" - even "well" maybe even "cured" - I hope so - I hope that's my path

So feel okay about sharing - people may feel as if they are whinging Mrs Millie - I know I do when I open up about something - but you definitely post well - and I like what you write and like sharing

Often days work out better than they start

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Hello @Appleblossom

Thank you

Walking on eggshells...I think that I mastered that from a very young age....

I am working very hard to be nice to myself now...

listening to my own advice for a change

so am behaving

@eudemonism

You could point out a few factors for me...all of the wealth of advice that I have sprouted in responding to you...

I need to take notice myself now...

I have always been told even to this day...therapist told me the other day..I am so hard on myself...far harder than others..

I do drink herbal teas....I tried a few natural remedies for calming..sleeping a long time ago....I had weird dreams so think that I am prone to nightmares..hallucinations...

thank you for thinking of me ...I will drink my herbal teas and water...do nothing which is driving me around the bend..

Thank you @Zoe7

yes human backs are the trunks of trees.....

the weather....burdens....catastrophies can all have their toll...

@Owlunar

I am determined to not let this beat me...

So I have given myself a name....in a way of lightening up

Mrs moaning Millie comes from my mind.....it probably relates to some old english quotation...my mother,,grandmother whom I only met a few times when very young..loved her dearly...both used quotations and superstitions...my father quotations...a different style..content..

Wow to your response @Owlunar...

I feel honoured that I have helped you release some of your emotions....you are the one who has done the hard work and shown the courage...

Thank you for reminding me of what I say to others...

The fact that I can give something to a few people on these forums gives me great comfort....

I love conversing with you also...

lately have not had the flowing of words come quickly enough

I do not refer to myself as mentally ill....For me that term represents the past....misconceptions...ignorance..

no offence to anyone who uses this term though...

For me I believe that I do not need to be cured...I have been in and out of bouts of depression...anxiety...trauma....diagnosed with labels for the purpose of reporting...recording...medicating...

so I am mrs moaning millie who is working very hard at keeping the hideous depression at bay.....gradually coming to terms with past traumas gently and working on being kind and caring to myself when anxiety grips too tightly...

I think that you have come a long way in the time from when I first met you....I was under a different user name...no matter if you do not remember who...

we have not moved out of the property yet...

have a new contract on it...cash buyer ....so no waitkng for another property to sell again...just waiting for cooling off period..

then the fun begins settlement date 3 weeks tomorrow...

we have to find somewhere to rent whilst we build our new place which will be smaller and on a far more reasonable size block of land....

your trip is coming closer....exciting times

walking on eggshells

Hello @Sophia1

I wonder if a lot of what has bothered you is gender conditioning to give up needs in favour of others.

I heard the phrase "walking on egg shells" decades after I learned to do it too. My mother trained me heavily in giving sympathy and support to others when I first came home from the orphanages at 8. We were in the Legion of Mary, so yes catholic in a poor part of town ie slum boarding houses. Now I realise it was partly to distract from our circumstances and my experiences and probably her guilt. There was never interest in my experience, I had to be nice to people we met. I listened to the lady with arthritis and the poor drunk if mother indicated I should pay attention. It was subtle. I did not realise how innapropriate it was by other people's standards (eg my husband's well to do family), I was so enthusiastic about being returned to my family. I endured 2 attempted rapes before I was 10, after what happened in the orphanages but no where to go with my pain or needs as mother wanted me to help her get the other children back from state care. From my return to my mother I never had a bed to sleep in but shared. Apparently I dont have normal boundaries about "sharing".

So we both know what it is to walk on eggshells and to be supportive, but all people have pain and one's own experience of pain is the strongest we will ever know, even if we are empathic, we see other's through our own lens of experience. At times I have felt anger about my neglect, abuse and sense of invisibility, but there has been no point to express it as everyone is overwhelmed by their own concerns.

Even at 10 I saw people struggle, so I do know other people are stretched. We kept moving so nobody noticed us, but I noticed a lot. I did not think my parents different from all the other struggling adults I saw. So self reliance became essential, but I was never really selfish, I was so glad I had my parents back. There is a big difference.

@Sophia1 Your arrival on the forum meant a lot to me, despite many differences in our life circumstances, because of your championing of the concept of Sophia.

Hope you appointment went to plan.

Hi again @Sophia1

I am wondering who you might have been under a different name - but let's not speculate - I had changed my name legally 3 times - marriage, then to get rid of my horrible second name and finally to change my surname and all of these gave me a different perspective and no way could I go back to my maiden name - I was not that person any more and it upset my father terribly and I am not at all sure why

Okay - I know I have come a long way since I joined this forum - I had a lot happening and one of them was leaving the support forum I had been in prior to this one - it was an agonizing choice - I was a moderator and support member but I could not condone the use of MMJ and this caused conflict with the US owners of the site so I didn't just leave - I am known as a prior member there and apart from what I deleted myself before I left all of what I have written is still there

It was awful

And getting over my mother who died just over a year before I joined here has made a huge difference too - my life is easier all over - I do not ask myself every day if I will go and visit her - the answer was always "no" so that was horrible

And life does change - I can vouch for that - and it can go either way.

I agree also that being "cured" is not the outcome I seek - my sensitive nature is part of me and I never want to change that - and I really think it's okay to be unhappy sometimes and to have things that can unexpectedly set us back - this is the way life goes and I really understand the light and shadows - and I actually like this -

And chatting with you recently has helped me to open up more - we click in some way - I understand what you are writing about even if you feel your words don't flow easily - not everyone can - I think faster than I can type - I fall over my fingers sometimes - I can hardly get it out quickly enough sometimes and then at others I will be sitting thinking - stuck - mid sentence - and maybe delete what I have written - I love being able to write and then delete -

There is so many misconceptions in the world of mental illness and I know this is a generational thing - my parents were so bloody minded about it - like people with any kind of disorder were ready to be sent to the (bad place - can't possibly say the words they used) and suicide - people didn't do that - they made mistakes about where and what they did - even my son - as if it changed the truth and it causes me anguish to this day that I grew up in such a shadowy background with so much stigma

It's important to add that my parents would be nearly 100 if they were still alive - and even people of my age can be stuck in the past about concepts of mental illness and for me it really covers the more severe manifestations - and the rest is emotional discomfort and the labels - I am sure everyone has a label of some kind - I definitely have "Arguing with Authority figures Disorder" or AAD

Best gentle and kind with yourself - the past cannot be changed and the future has yet to happen - the present moment is all we have and it's precious

I hope you can get your property sold and - aw - you have to move twice - but it sounds as if it will be happening soon - I hope so - something I actually hate - I would be glad never to move again

But my grand-daughter is thinking of moving to Queensland - for her health - she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and the winter wears her down - it wears me down to but I like to live in Melbourne

But my grandparents were her age when they decided to come to Australia for my grandfather's health after WW1 and they brought Dad and left their families in England and never saw them again - that really strikes me as sad - at least we can visit if she does go to Queensland

I hope that virus gives over - perhaps some warm weather over the weekend would help - and yes - I am packing already to leave for my few days of the tropics with some hints on the tropical weather from my daughter

Dec