The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

@CheerBear yeah the hyper vigilance thing was me. It definitely has been helpful, I'm certain I would have wound up dead if I weren't this way. I look at it as the one positive to come out of living in a constant state of alarm. Perhaps that's not helpful thinking though.

Yeah having a kid has brought a lot to the surface and yes I have been seeing a psych for the past year or so and we're slowly unpacking things.

It's really comforting to know you have been able to relate to the hyper vigilance issue, sometimes it makes me feel lonely being like this, because my partner doesn't get a lot of it. They tend to think of it more as me being overprotective I guess, and I know I can be, but it's not for no reason. I guess it's the degree of this feeling that's the issue, perhaps the goal should be not to erase it but to ease it a bit?

"I guess it's the degree of this feeling that's the issue, perhaps the goal should be not to erase it but to ease it a bit?"

I agree with this part of what you wrote so much @saltandpepper. I didn't suffer this in childhood, it has come about through the family / mental health issues around my soon2BX across the last decade or so, and in relation to sabotage of my parenting by his mother for a couple of decades before that which caused that hyoervigilance over my kids, and yet you need to be able to release them to healthy interactions with people who are not overly controlling and disruptive with them.

I think, once that hypervigilance has set in you can view it as a valid alarm system that can be dialled back to a more "normal" level when there is no present danger ......

The absence of being in that hypervigilance state is the most marked difference in my new circumstances.

So glad to hear you have a psych supporting you through the process. Is there any written information about hypervigilance that the psych can give you to share with your partner that might be helpful ?

Just listened to S1 on the phone with his teacher for the last hour. Wow. So patient.

Thanks for your response @Faith-and-Hope it's greatly appreciated. Im really interested to know if the hyper vigilance is something you were aware of when you were in the situation with your ex and his mother, or is it something you came to realise later down the track? And you say it's no longer an issue for you in your new circumstances, is that correct? Is it something you had to make a conscious effort to control or did it settle on its own?

I feel like I've been functioning in a state of fight or flight for such a long time, since my childhood. It's only been recently in adult life where I've come to realise I have this over-the-top response to any perceived danger. I'm not sure how to even begin calming something that feels as natural to me as breathing. And I guess because this hyper vigilance was born out of necessity and proved useful--life saving--time again, any time I try to rationalise with it, I'm reminded of how useful it actually is. It feels almost wrong to be any other way

Hi @saltandpepper

I became conscious of it (hypervigilance) because it spilled over into several panic attack episodes of different nature's, so I didn't even recognise what they were at first either. Those ones landed me in hospital - twice by ambulance. That was what happened, sort of like a safety valve, when the hypervigilance and distress breached my psychological resources, and then it becomes physical.

I have learned some important lessons along the way, including to up the self care when the stress metre is going up ..... it really helps to create a counter-balance, but mind the feelings of being selfish ..... it's not selfish at all - it's necessary. I had to learn that through panic attacks and trips to hospital.

Once soon2BX left, I learned just how much of a hypervigilant state I had been in, because across the next few weeks after changing the locks (he sent people into my home without warming to collect his stuff when my daughters were home alone, and then returned again to put some things back (??!!) after I told him that wasn't on ..... knowing he wasn't in my space anymore I began to relax., and realised I wasn't shallow-breathing anymore ..... and the more relaxed I became, the more aware I also became of just how tightly I had been wound up before.

We are still exchanging my disabled daughter for day-visits ..... and I feel the hypervigilance in the moments of seeing him because I am atuned now to not living in that state every day. I am in reprieve from that at the moment as I am having to self-isolate around D2 (daughter 2) and he has refused to ..... so he hasn't seen her for a few weeks now.

Yes, it's handy to have that warning sign, but it's also not good to have it activated all the time. It messes with your body chemistry .... my clothes are fitting me better now, just for one thing, without changing my intake or exercise patterns ..... in fact in isolation I am doing much less exercise.

When I catch myself in hypervigilance, one thing I do is deliberately slow down my breathing, and inhale more deeply. It helps to switch off the fight-or-flight reaction.

Another thing I do is find some serious distraction .... like pumping up my favourite music, or throwing myself into artwork, or call a friend, or go out for a coffee (pre COVID-19, that one).

I hope some of this helps.

My stomach still turns when I see an email arrive from his legal team, and that is hypervigilance kicking in ..... or when I cross paths with him in our living space (did I mention he has moved back in to our condensed-living units ...... with "her" and her kids, so me and my kids can happen across them ? :face_with_rolling_eyes:. I have only seen him and her out together once so far, but turning corners, and coming and going, and the parking lot all brong in the stomach turning, and I am sure it does for my kids too. D2 was in "her" company and "she" was in my car before I even knew "she" was in our lives ..... 😔 ..... but there will be a time beyond all this if I just keep wading through it.

I am pleased for you that you have a new special someone in your life btw .....

Thanks for letting us know @Blep ..... it can be confusing when that happens, so the heads-up helps 👍