The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Just saw this and thought it might be helpful. I quite like this guy for info on parenting.

hopefully the link will work now

https://www.ntnews.com.au/coronavirus/hibernation/dr-justin-coulson-delivers-the-answers-your-family-needs-to-get-through-covid19/news-story/f917389037ba0bde88fc5e757c0a02ae

@saltandpepper here is our parenting thread 🙂

@Teej @CheerBear @BlueBay @Faith-and-Hope @Determined @Former-Member @utopia

Hi @saltandpepper and welcome to the forums.

Cheers @outlander

Hi @Faith-and-Hope thanks for the welcome, I'm really glad to be here

hello and welcome @saltandpepper

how are you tonight xx

How to parent when one partner is different from the other?
Everytime I'm perceived as wrong in parental supervision I'm treated with coldness.
How do others navigate this?

Note: have spoken about this and tried to resolve. But always go in a circle.

Im the one in the wrong. 😞

Ive got nowhere else to go for advice.

Its quite a line path.

Hi @Former-Member .....

So sorry to hear you are being treated this way. It's an invalidation pattern that I am very familiar with. Members of my inlaw family are very skilled at using this method to control others and follow their own agenda, particularly when they are dealing with "soft hearts" who naturally try to discuss, reason, and collaborate to find win-win solutions.

As a part of his illness and character changes, my now-estranged husband began to use this method of controlling me more and more across the last few years. He never had any intent to negotiate - it's usually a "my way or the higheay" mentality.

The response I had developed with WH's family, and then with him when his control issues began to get out of hand, was to be polite - very polite ...... so polite It was clinical. If people can't respect who you are, and what you are worth, including your ways, your ideas, your opinions, then they don't deserve to have that level of intimacy bared to / shared with them. You only become increasingly injured if only one of you is playing by the rules of decency.

Withdrawing emotionally from someone who is not respecting you as a person is their warning that they can't treat you this way, and you still own your own boundaries. If they continue to disrespect those, then it is possible to function within the relationship on the basis of polite coldness, or being removed, but it's not healthy in the long term.

If he is open to couple's counselling then having a therapist take a look at your relationship dynamics can be helpful. Otherwise it is important that you receive the support and nurturing you are not gaining from this relationship from family or close friendships instead, and "make do" however you can around the kids needs for as long as that can be sustained.

That is what I did for the last few years, and my kids are all now grown up, except one who is a "forever baby" ..... and now I have new battles to fight around access and control issues that way ....... grrrr.

Hi @Former-Member I can relate with you in the parenting conflict. No easy answers there.

For me it is a case of choose my battles. But as I am heavily relied upon to arrange school and medical appointments etc a 'fine you deal with it' often is the catalyst for more rational discussion. I usually vary my approach based on what I believe is best for the children.

Added complication here is that the older children manipulate darling against me to get what they want. They are old enough now that I am able to tell them don't blame me when your mother looses it. When they were younger I tried hard to shield them from any conflict but that was well and truly taken advantage of.