My special place

Thanks @Snowie you’re right my appointment is this afternoon 💛

I hope the safety measures are helpful for you! Are there any that you think are going to be more or less helpful?

Is there a specific fear or insecurity about talking to H that’s louder than the others? (As always no pressure to share but if you want someone to hear and empathise I’m listening.) Having that barrier to talking to him would make things a lot harder for you and I’m really sorry it’s so difficult 💛 It makes sense that it would be hard given how things were when you were younger and I’m sure the part of you that’s feeling like it’s not ok to let him know has worked really hard to protect you from people who actually weren’t safe to tell.

I have a few reasons not to tell H @Wintersweet I was always brought up to be seen but never heard. Play perfect family in front of others. To stay quiet. I think this is one of the reasons why I find it hard to let others know how I am.

I spoke to pdoc. Gave him a summary of what I told psych. Speak to him in a week again.

@Snowie

I know it’s getting later, and if it’s more helpful to wait until tomorrow to respond, please do, but I wanted to reply now so you knew I’d read what you wrote.

How do you feel about how your pdoc reacted?

It would be so hard to let others know how you are when you’ve had to learn to be seen to be perfect and to not be heard when you’re struggling. How does it feel knowing that here and now with H things are different and you don’t have to pretend? Not that the internal experience isn’t the same, but that things are different externally. This also isn’t to pressure you into saying anything to him! It’s always entirely your choice if you do or don’t, I just know how hard it is when part of us is stuck in another time and isn’t connected to things as they are now. I’m also aware that you’ve let me know there’s other reasons too.

Was there ever a time when you did tell him you were struggling, or he found out? What was that like? (I won’t be surprised if the answer is multilayered, it’s ok if it is).

Hugs for you 💛

I know things are really hard 💛

Good morning @Wintersweet

My pdoc reacted like I thought he would. He does show concern. I know I'm very lucky to see him. I do think I probably need to come in and see him as most appointments are via phone.

H has known of times before when I have been struggling. Like I thought he would be, was concerned and very supportive. Didn't judge me. So I know if I tell him now he would probably be the same.

It's a part of me that fears that rejection, that even though I know is wrong, it still holds me back.

Gosh we can be so complicated some times!

How did your psych appt. go?

@Snowie

I hope that if you’re able to go in and see your pdoc in person it’s helpful. It sounds like it would be. 💛

It’s ok that it’s complicated. 💛 It sounds like that part of you that still fears rejection has a lot of memories of when it wasn’t safe and doesn’t want you to get hurt again. It would be hard for you knowing that H would be supportive but also still having that fear. If you did need to tell H you were struggling (e.g. because a hospital admission would help keep you safe) is there anything that would help reassure that part of you that fears rejection? Maybe a particular memory of how he’s handled it in the past? I know for myself, I find that it helps the part of me that’s scared of rejection if I can let the person I’m telling know that I’ll use other supports if needed (e.g. calling a crisis line/going to ED) so I don’t feel like I’m putting all the pressure on them to make sure I’m ok. I’m not sure if that’s helpful, if it’s not feel free to ignore it! Just thought I’d share in case it was 💛

My appointment was a bit mixed. My psych is great, it was good to see her. I still don’t know what to do about work and leave. She suggested a step-up step-down service which I felt like I couldn’t justify until later when I realised that the reason taking leave feels equally overwhelming to work is that I’d be alone in the house most of the time and think that would be really bad for me. So I’m going to look into the step-up step-down thing.

@Wintersweet

Every time I've told H in the past he has been very supportive.

I also know I don't want to get to the point where he finds out from someone else. Like someone turning up at the door doing a welfare check or my pdoc/psych telling him.

My last hospital admission was quite awhile ago now and a lot has changed in that time. In a way it would be easier since both kids are adults now. But with mum it would be a lot harder. Since last time she has deteriorated a lot. I know she is somewhere that looks after her, but she still relies on me a lot.

It's a hard decision with work. I know when I stopped work because of my MH I thought I'd take just a couple of weeks off, talk to a psych a few times and then I'd be better. Years later and I'm still not working.

It can be really hard alone at home. It's hard because being busy means we are not just sitting there overthinking everything, but at the same time the motivation to keep busy can be really challenging.

The step up step down sounds interesting. Do you think it could help?

@Snowie

It sounds like maybe telling him is a good idea so he hears it from you? Do you think a hospital admission would be helpful? I can understand why it would be hard with your mum. Could you talk to the place she’s staying at, tell them that you’re going to be away for a while, and work out a plan with them to make sure your mum is taken care of?

And yes, it’s hard with work. I know I’m not going to be all good any time soon but I’m hoping I might be able to get back to a point where I can function enough to be there. I asked about the step-up step-down places but unfortunately the ones near me have long wait times. One has a 2 month wait and the other isn’t taking referrals until the end of October. I’m going to see if I can find a MH occupational therapist who might be able to help me think of things that would help and in the meantime just keep doing my best to be at work and manage the panic around finding I’m not functioning well.

I’m sorry you’ve not been able to go back to work. It would be really hard to take time off thinking it would be fixed quickly and then find that wasn’t going to happen. I can also hear how hard it is being at home alone and having to summon the motivation to keep yourself busy. 💛

@Wintersweet

A hospital admission probably would help. If I did go in, it would mean having ECT too. My pdoc has mentioned it a few times but has said for now the decision is mine.

I'm sure where mum is would help, but she relies on me a lot. I get a call from her most days asking when I'm going to visit again. I visited her yesterday morning and today I get a call asking when I'm coming back.

Thats a shame about the long wait times. Seems like anything to do with MH has long wait times.

I hope you find an OT and they are able to help.

It can be hard at times home alone. On one hand when I am alone I don't have to act like everything is ok, but at the same time it's when I struggle the most.

@Snowie

Do you think some time away from your mum might be helpful? I know she’ll be upset but (in case it’s helpful) a) I don’t think it’s fair for you to not get help because of that, b) it seems like even if you do what she wants she’ll likely still be upset, and c) it’s actually better for her too if you’re well. Do you think the staff would understand if you explain that you’ll be unavailable and ask them to occasionally remind her that they know it’s hard having you away and to let them know if she needs anything?

How do you feel about ECT if you were in hospital?

It makes sense that it would be really hard at home on your own, it also makes sense that it would be draining to pretend you’re ok. 💛 It sounds like keeping yourself busy has helped a bit but is also tiring. Is there anything else you’d recommend to someone in a similar position?

Good morning @Wintersweet

Sorry I didn't reply last night. Ended up in bed quite early.

I think for myself, time away from mum would probably be helpful. Well it wouldn't hurt in anyway. I've gone away before just for 2 nights and she hasn't coped. I know the staff would help. The other thing I'm a bit concerned about is I'd have to rely on my D and S to go see her at times. I really don't want to put that onto them. I do have a brother but he is useless. Even if I told him I'd be away he'd still make up some excuse as to why he couldn't go.

I've had ECT in the past when I've been in hospital so would not be anything new for me. I'm actually having it now, once every 4 weeks but just as an outpatient.

Even when I'm home alone I try and keep occupied. It doesn't always work but it can help. I always have the tv on, even if I'm not watching, just that background noise helps. I think it's about finding things that work for you. I do lots of reading, puzzles, sewing, watching movies. I try and get outside at least once a day into the backyard with the dog. I don't mind my own company. I have always been much more relaxed/calmer on my own. Most people make me too anxious.