My special place

I hate cleaning @Wintersweet but once I start I can't stop!

I'm not good with people full stop. Besides H I have never let anyone get close to me. I think a lot stems from CH issues.

I hope you can figure out what you can manage. Do you have a work place that is flexible for you?

@Snowie

It can be a bit like that with cleaning can’t it?

From everything you’ve shared I can understand why you’d struggle to feel safe with people. I wish things were different for you but I see how that would have been protective. Is there anything specific about H that makes him feel safer?

You’re very good at understanding and responding to people on the Forums. I remember you said you find writing much easier and I just want to encourage you that your words and your heart behind them matter and are valued, and that engaging via writing is a 100% valid way of connecting!

My workplace is flexible and I’m so grateful for them as I know I wouldn’t be able to work otherwise. Will have to see how things go tomorrow and then make a plan for the week.

Good morning @Wintersweet

I don't know why I'm fine around H but not others. I have known him for over 30 years now so I guess that could be one reason. He certainly is my rock, the one thing I know won't change or won't judge me.

I am much better writing than saying out loud. My supports know this too!

Do you have any problems about voicing your say/opinion/feelings out loud?

It's so good to hear that your workplace is flexible. Hopefully it stays that way and you can continue to do so.

I hope today goes well for you

@Snowie

Decades of someone proving that they are reliable consistent and won’t judge you would definitely help you feel safe with them! That makes complete sense.

It really helps when our supports understand us and I’m glad that yours recognise that writing helps you communicate what you want to say.

I used to be someone who found it much easier to write things out rather than trying to communicate verbally. Then I started doing less reading/writing and more speaking/listening. It was wild to discover that what I thought was a fixed preference actually shifted as I got out of practice with reading/writing and more practiced at listening speaking. However, when I’m really overwhelmed I’ll still find I almost lose the ability to speak. Also, there’s obviously some stuff that’s hard to say out loud and I think I’d find it easier to write that down if I needed to tell someone about it. So I can relate to your experience in multiple ways.

Yes, I’m really grateful for my workplace’s flexibility. I’m struggling a bit today with feeling like I don’t deserve it and like I don’t belong. Will have to discuss strategies with my psych on Thursday for improving my ability to function, which I think might look like strategies for taking leave so that it actually helps.

I hope today went ok for you. Sending 💛 and hugs.

Good morning @Wintersweet

I am very lucky to have H and don't take him for granted at all. Sometimes I think with my life such a mess why I got so lucky with him. What did I do to deserve him.

I'm glad to hear that you have the power with your voice. I think it's probably natural that you loose that when you get overwhelmed. The more overwhelmed I get, the more reserved I become.

You certainly do deserve that support from your workplace. It sounds like you've earnt it too. I hope you are able to work out some strategies with your psych. Perhaps taking leave from work might be an answer for you.

I hope today goes well for you 💕💕

Thanks @Snowie 💛

I'm so glad you have H, especially with how hard and messy life can be.

I hope today goes well for you too 💛

@Snowie

💛 and hugs for you

So I saw my psych yesterday. A lot was fit into the hour.

I was very honest with her. Told her practically everything, what I've been doing, thinking, wanting to do. Talked about going forward and what needs to be done. I did tell her I can't promise her anything. She expressed concern and wanted to ring H which I really didn't want her to do. Talked about duty of care. She was going to ring my pdoc. I have a phone appt. with him this afternoon.

Was a very emotional session. A 40 min drive home took about 1 1/2 hours. Had to stop a few times.

Managed to go visit mum this morning who was quite upset. Not at anyone, just in general. Had a bit of a chat and a cuppa with her.

@Snowie

I’m really glad you were honest with her and I’m grateful she took you seriously. Do you want to share more about what her ideas were for what to do moving forward and how you feel about them? I’m also interested in why you didn’t want her to call H (if you want to share) because I can imagine various reasons you might not want her to but would like to better understand what it is for you specifically. 💛

That drive home after does sound rough and I’m grateful you stopped when needed. Sometimes the processing needs to happen before we can continue on with what we’re doing, doesn’t it?

Hope the call with the pdoc goes/went well. I really hope you’re able to work out a plan with them so you can be supported however will be most helpful.

Sounds like this morning with your mum would have been emotionally tiring. Do you have anything planned for after your pdoc appointment to give yourself a bit of recovery time?

Hi @Wintersweet

We put forward a few things I'd do to try and help myself if things got bad. I guess you could say safety measures. I'm fine with putting them in place. I just hope I can use them if needed.

There are multiple reasons why I don't tell H. It really isn't anything to do with him. He is very supportive and caring. It has a lot to do with my insecurities.

Haven't had pdoc appt. yet. Nothing really planned for this afternoon.

I think you have your psych appt. today? If so I hope it goes well.