My special place

Had an appt. with pdoc over phone.

I blurted out everything. More than I wanted. Said he's worried about what I have and are doing.

I couldn't promise him that I would do the right thing. Mentioned H again.

Did promise to email him if I needed to

@Snowie

It can feel really scary when we find ourselves saying more than we wanted to. At the same time, I’m proud of you for being honest because I want you to get the support you need. How are you feeling about the suggestion of H? I imagine it’s probably a mix of feelings?

And I definitely get the concern about the health impacts of this coping strategy. I have so much compassion for how hard it would be to stop but definitely also care deeply about the impact it’s having/might have. Do you know what kind of support might help you rely more on other ways of coping?

💛💛💛

Hi @Wintersweet thanks for the reply

I knew he needed to know, I just didn't know what the outcome would be. I know H would probably help but I have a few family events coming up that I would miss and feel very guilty about.

He did speak about other things I could try. Right now all I'm doing is looking till I go to bed. I struggle to see past that.

Anyway, how are you? How has your day been?

@Snowie

Struggling to see past today makes sense being in survival mode. Especially given everything you’re dealing with and how much each day requires of you.

As someone who cares about you, I want you to get the support you need, even if that means missing family events. I do hear you about how painful the guilt is though, and see how hard it would be to choose something that comes with a different type of pain when you’re already hurting so much. I can also understand why it would feel scary to do something that you feel guilty about. Would you be able to get leave to go to the family events if you were admitted? If not, do you think you could reach out to LL or another source to get some support for dealing with the guilt associated with saying yes to H?

Would it have felt easier if the pdoc made the decision for you so you didn’t have to be the one to choose? Or do you find that being allowed to decide for yourself matters more to you? Or both?

@Wintersweet

Living rural it means that the H would be over an hour away. Expecting my kids and Hubby to drive in there every week would be hard. How do I ask my S to come and see me on a Sunday when he has just worked full time 6 days out of 7?

Yes I would probably be able to get leave, but I don't think that would minimise the guilt.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if the pdoc made the decision for me. But then again, we all want to be in charge of our lives. To have that choice.

I do know however that my family are my reason to keep going. It's not the first time I've gotten to this point. I've made that decision before. I also do know that my pdoc will step in if he feels the need to. He has before.

I've used LL again tonight. At least some relief.

@Snowie

I’m really glad you were able to get some support by reaching out to LL and that you’ve got that strong connection to your family as your reason to keep going 💛

I can see how being rural makes it tricky.

Also, it makes sense to feel like it would be easier if the pdoc decided for you and to still want to have a choice. 💛

Hoping you’re able to sleep ok.

Good afternoon dear @Wintersweet

Actually slept last night without waking up. Hasn't happened for awhile so grateful for that.

Been to see Mum, washed my car and went to Supermarket. Amazing what you can do when you have better sleep.

Home now with a cuppa listening to the dog snore!!

How are you going? Got much on for today?

@Snowie

Sleep makes such a difference doesn’t it!?

Sounds like a well-earned cuppa!

My day looks ok, I think. Work and then going to visit a friend. Was able to get myself out of bed today without the 3-4 hour struggle it was yesterday, which is a win.

I hope work goes well for you @Wintersweet

Enjoy catching up with your friend.

It can be hard to get out of bed. I'm glad it was easier for you today.

Thanks @Snowie!

I really appreciate you 💛

Hope you’re able to enjoy your clean car and having the supermarket run done. Did you get something for dinner today while you were at the supermarket?