Life

@Former-Member I understand how it would have been really hard to get out of that situation. I know from my year-long relationship with a bullying, abusive man that it took me much longer to leave because all the while my confidence and self esteem was being eroded and I was constantly asking myself if I was somehow to blame. That part of it was because, finding myself in a house with someone charging at me down the hallway, or at me while I was in bed, I verbally fought back in sometimes extreme ways. I was also in dire financial straits at the time. My father was dying and I had surgery while I was still in the bad relationship. In a way I was in shock to find myself in it all, though I'd come from a highly abusive childhood family life. I'd always felt I would avoid this in MY life and held many feminist attitudes (and still do). It was much easier for me to eventually get myself out because there were no children. What you have already achieved in getting out of an abusive relationship is big. I fervently hope it will get better for you now.

@Former-Member It is very good that you able to write some of it out on the forum. It is one thing knowing about it as a general problem but being able to write your "I" and tell it from your perspective is important.

I was a little like @Mazarita and a bit feminist and my ex echoed all those views but still when things got done to it ... he was very cynical about love and so under it all ... quite misogynist. There was a gradual eroding of my health and confidence ... whilst managing the real responsibility of 24/7 daily care of children.

@CannonSalt mention of kids play and the confused popular notions of interactions between the sexes set a lot of the scene for the mixed messages both sexes deal with. I just wish it wasnt such a battle of the sexes ... and that we could accept differences but still HARMONISE our lives.

Dear @Jacques I am ok and not triggered by this conversation ... I have been thinking about this stuff all my life and for the last 15 years have had more control of my home environment. I agree it is good that the conversation happens and more people take part in it.

Good Luck Dear @Former-Member it is difficult being evaluated and under scrutiny. I am so glad your support team is behind you ... and now that you are living away from your ex ... gradually you will start to feel better ... it is a long term thing ... but believe that the woman who worked for her masters and could manage critters in a classroom wil come back ... how your life will look .. I am not sure ... but for now ... gently and steadily ...let each day unfold.

I guess I dont want to demonise men @PeppiPatty as I think that escalates things and makes it harder overall. Then men in general get defensive and dont try as hard and fall back on horrible misogynist stereotypes instead of working out their relationship with their life partner.

But that is a general comment ... I am mindful that this @Former-Member thread and at the moment she NEEDS protection and support until she can build up a better home situation.

Sorry everyone i have missed some of the conversation, i have had a family emergency, i have read what yo uhave all said, @CannonSalt, you are right, but i am struggling with the part of right and wrong? i know boys tease girls when they are young but for the most part i thought hitting was punished now? i still think when a person man or woman turns 18 they should have clear definitions of right and wrong, they know stealing is wrong, they know hitting another man is wrong, but their does not seem to be the same condemnation of hitting or abusing a woman, it is really confusing.

@lisajane you are right also, mum often tells me the first sign she sees when she knows a woman is going to be abused is when a man goes in with a woman and picks out her clothes, mum always says she will be abused he is controlling her. i suppose the control thing is gradual and you really don't notice it? or am i wrong?

Do you ladies think parents and grandparents play a roll in protecting their abusive children? they see their own child through rose coloured glasses and can't/will not see their child for what they are?

Hi @Shaz51, it is nice to meet you, @PeppiPatty said you and i would be interested in talking to each other? i hope you have read what i have written here, i just struggle with men treating women badly.

I saw on the news this morning a woman who was Attacked by several men and died the perpetrator being freed today after 3 years in prison? three years for violating and killing a woman? what if that had been a man? a politician? a "respectable" member of society? it would have been 15-20 years?

the court of appeals have allowed Adrian Bayley to receive Legal aid? how can this be, it is so wrong they keep rewarding men for being abusive.

Yes it is gradual. @Jacques Yes it is often a mixed bag.

Yes often family members jump in to defend behaviours without working through whole issues. It is a huge problem as if negative behaviours can be nipped in the bud and worked through early in relationship perhaps the huge stand-offs wouldnt occur.

I went to a funeral of a man who had abused me in my teens, but that family were big on denial and whitewash. It was important that I went. He also put down my little brother a lot, but my mother over defended my brother.

I try not to allow controlling and excessive dominance in my presence when I socialise generally in the community. I dont want to collude with that kind of behaviour and I see it a lot in various shapes and sizes. I always encourage equal participation in conversations, and think it is wrong if one person speaks for another all the time. Dominance can be expressed in different ways.

Oh my goodness @CannonSaltyou have just described most of the male population, i have not been around people in a long time, especially all male surroundings, but when i was in highschool and 1 year after, all the men could talk about is these things, i always felt uncomfortable talking about women full stop, but could never engage in these conversations, sexual conquests, belittling women, etc, i was often called gay because i have never been with a women, it seems in society from music stars right down to the tradie on the building site, it is all about making women sexual property, and making sure you call her every name under the sun, but her real name. i even feel awkward what men call women's genitalia, they never use the medical term, i even feel ashamed talking about this topic, i feel even talking about it is wrong. i really do have to wonder if their is something wrong with me, i don't seem to view the world like others, i never have.