Life

I can only talk abou my experience not every woman's but I think for me I had no family or friends to fall back on because we kept moving a lot because of work and his career. Also when we did settle he was an important leader in the community. For example whenever I met someone I'd be introduced as the such and suches wife - often without my name being introduced lol. I felt so much pressure to be the good wife and family that they expected to see.
Also in between the horrors that went on there were ok times when things would run smoother and o could remember that dream I had of bringing my children up in a loving home with a family. And also when things did go wrong it was always 'my fault' - I'd let the ball drop and put too much pressure on him, I'd not made sure he was comfortable enough or I hadn't kept the kids quiet enough at night so he could sleep well enough. And when he told me it was my fault I would believe him wholeheartedly. In court they kept saying well how could you possibly have functioned and worked after such traumatising incidents and it was just a matter of completely compartmentalising my life. Work and home were seperate and I was so ashamed i never wanted anyone to see anything at work. And my whole childhood was spent in fear of people seeing things so I am very good at hiding things.
The court system has made things so much harder for me though... The cross examination and questions echoes every negative thought in my head and I hear those questions replaying over and over. The outcome of trial even though he was found guilty for one of the beatings is really going to b nothing - a suspended sentence... If that or a good behaviour bond. Not even any treatment for his underlying problems or restriction of access to the kids. Instead I'm being investigated for every thing he says about my parenting skills and mental health. My psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker and support worker are all writing letters of support but... I have to go through the trauma and questioning by more independent assesses anyway to clear things up. There is no end to the controlling and manipulative stuff that he can do through the family court.

I don't k ow if that's over sharing sorry

Hi @Former-Member,

I do apologize if this conversation has been triggering for you, it just makes me so angry the lasting effect it has had on you Anne, Karen @Appleblossom.

You are right the family Court it is almost like they encourage men to abuse and feel OK about it, if a partner has been violent in any way they should have no access to the kids, it is not fair on the child or mother.

I would have thought after the Rosy Batty incident things would have changed, but no more talking.

Why is it with the law that the victim is always treated like the perpetrator.

Once again @Former-Member I do apologize for my lack of knowledge in this area, thank you for explaining why you stayed, I would never judge your motives, I have never had a relationship so I don't know the complexities of them. It must have been a real nightmare living in fear most of the time.

A virtual hug for you @Former-Member, you are managing so well under the enormous pressure and stress you have at the moment.

I wish their where something I could do to help.

Take care, be safe

Jacques

No don't apologise it's good to talk about it I think - thanks for being willing to hear and discuss

@Former-Member please let me know if I step over the social line, I have not had conversations like this with others before.

Do you think this silly thing with women taking their partners name has something to do with lessening a women's status in a relationship? I really dislike it when people say this is the partner/wife of so and so. It is a sign of rudeness to me, a person has a name, people should use it.

You said you felt embarrassed talking to frienda/employees, do you think anything can change to make women feel more comfortable talking to others about their predicament?

I'm not sure - I think a lot depends on each woman too and how they perceive themselves even before entering a relationship. I think it's too easy to be invisible in today's world - I had no connections even though I was working because I couldn't engage in normal friendships I didn't have close enough connections with anyone to feel comfortable enough to even try to speak out. Plus my partner worked in the same field and with my own boss. I don't know what the Answes are but I do think schools and communities need to teach our kids young about respectful relationships and not let kids like I was just fall through the cracks...

@CannonSalt it is so good to see you !
@Shaz51 have you met @Former-Member ?
Lj too many people fall through the cracks : once I read somewhere ...I was supporting a friend in jail with my Dad supporting me : that a huge percentage of males who end up in prison are either illiterate or come from bad homes ...can't remember the statistics .........

I didn't explain very well above - I couldn't engage in normal friendships because my ex would get upset about doing things seperately and then if I'd invite him along he wouldn't want to go and didn't like my friends because they were too young or whatever plus he always wanted to b at home working on his hobbies or going to do things that was part of those hobbies (all individual persuits - he didn't find it easy to mix with people socially).
My ex was so charming and wonderful in the first year or so... There were a couple of things that maybe warned of what was to come but really things changed quickly after my first child was born.
I haven't seen first hand the behaviour that you're mentioning @CannonSalt but I've heard the saying before and I think you're right a lot of our broadest culture is really disrespectful to women and how relationships work - I still hear jokes about you should be barefoot and pregnant said sometimes... And people think that it's just harmless they don't really 'mean' it but the underlying messages are stil there - it's not a funny thing to say you should be barefoot and a stay at home daddy in the kitchen haha