Niquas Notes

Good morning Mazy @Mazarita, Claire @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope

It's good to hear your mood has swung around Mazy

I sent a message to my daughter last night, saying that I was going to a psychologist on monday, I would be asking about family counselling, would she attend. I heard nothing back. I seem to remember Faith saying she'd have to be willing, it seems she's not. All this struggling to make an appointment, seems there's no use.

I feel like I've been a fool, but then again I suppose it's better to be a fool for your own child then for some bloke. I still kind of feel relief, but I still feel like I'm abandoning those children. I feel broken, as if I wasn't broken enough already.

Good morning, Niqua.

Only a few hours sleep here, another late one with video. Mood seems okay again this morning but need more sleep. I'll go back to it after responding to your post.

The first thing that occurs to me about your message to your daughter is that the idea of counselling may seem 'out of left field' to her. I imagine that she may not have done any counselling for herself in life. If that's the case, it may not be surprising that a first mention of it may leave her silent. On the other hand, I wish she had the sense to contact you, even just to say hello, so that you could be relieved of agony.

Is it possible she is holding it against you that you were so angry on the phone? In my relationship with my mother, there was a time when, if she 'went off' at me, I was inclined not to contact her for some time, couldn't contact her because I felt too upset. That's not to say you weren't justified in what you said on that breakout day. Just trying to put myself in your daughter's shoes and imagine what she may be thinking or feeling. Is it possible she wants an apology for the sudden and explosive anger?

All speculation. The main thing is, you are left with these terrible feelings. And for that I feel so sorry that things have to come to this for you.

I hope there is some benefit to your appointment with the psychologist tomorrow, just for you, at least at this stage. It may only ever be for you, but you are worth care and support either way. And another person to be on your side, out there in the real world. At this terrible time, the support of your doctor and psychologist may be a kind of scaffold to help you rebuild on the inside. It may be a slow process, you've said that yourself.

Regardless of whether any of these words are useful, I am thinking of you, sending love to you, gentle hugs and always kindest wishes, my friend.

@Former-Member

Hello Mazy @Mazarita,

I hope you enjoyed your video creativity & got some
more peaceful rest. It's good to hear your mood is
still okay.

The idea of counselling may seem a little out of
left field to my daughter, but I know she has been
to psychologists herself. I travelled to her place
every fortnight for a while to ensure she went for a
while, that was after she'd taken too many pills.

It's very possible she could be holding my outburst
of anger against me, it would have been a great
shock to her. I haven't been angry at her for nearly
20 years, ever since she left home. My anger may be
justified, but the way it came out was wrong, I had
no control over it though. I did apologize for my
behaviour in a text, for shouting & swearing.

All I have left now is speculation. I think her not
visiting me was saying in actions, that she did not
want to be a part of my life but if I visited her
she would tolerate me being a part of hers. I think
she has used me the whole time. I was the only baby
sitter for about 15 of those 20 years & the fact
that she never taught her children good manners &
behaviours made that very hard. By the 4th child I
knew I wasn't able to anymore. In the past couple of
years she has taken a lot of money from me, I gave
it of my own free will, but she was far too willing
to take it & I believe she lied about being broke. I
think she wasted a lot of her own money, knowing I
would give her more.

I don't think this psychologist will be on my side
for long, 10 appointments & if I have to pay for
these appointments I don't think I'll be doing 10.
I know it will be a slow process, I've been clinging
on to my daughter for 34 years, that will be a hard
habit to break.

Your words are always useful, that you take the time
& make the effort to write them for me. Thank you
Mazy. Gently hugging back with loving thoughts.

Niqua

As mothers we often keep pathways open for our children. @Former-Member It is a tough world and life might have been a lot worse if you had not done that.

Counselling does not work unless they want it.

She may still respond. Or later the grandchildren may reach out.

No matter what

Take care of yourself.

Apple

Hearing you @Former-Member.

Good morning Mazy @Mazarita, Claire @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope , @Appleblossom and everyone

Morning @Former-Member ..... 👋💕

Good morning, Niqua. @Former-Member