Niquas Notes

Not doing so good today, had so much trouble getting to sleep last night . . . & the night before that . . & probably the night before that . & so on. I can't 'get over' xmas. I can't forgive my child, who was the last person I thought I could forgive - I think all my forgiveness is gone.

I'm tired of blaming myself for everything my child does. They're not broke, broke doesn't have a huge TV in the lounge room & TV in every room, broke doesn't pay for tv & movie sites & unlimited internet, & the children having their own mobile phones, ipads, laptops etc. Broke doesn't choose a $22 000 car when they & their chosen partner are unable to secure a loan, or the latest 'smart watch' to go with their latest mobile phone. No, broke doesn't do that; broke lives on brown rice & lentils, broke watches their beloved pets starve, broke scabs from the dumps & considers a spending spree a trip to the charity shop, broke is grateful for the entertainment provided by the government in the libraries, broke can't afford the gas for a fridge. Broke goes without. Broke feels forever guilty that they were unable to provide properly for their child & then when brokes parents die & they recieve a little money, broke proceeds hand over fist, to give it all to that child.

My child is selfish, uncaring, disrespectful - I think my child lies. I don't believe my child loves me, they obviously don't like my companionship or they would have visited sometime! They would not just keep sticking their hand out crying broke, when it's so freakin' obvious they're not. There's no way the crap that went down at xmas would have gone down the way it did, if they loved me. I think my grandchildren are going to suffer from their parents not being broke, from having the grandparents on both sides enable their parents to continue being, dishonest, uncaring, disrepectful, unpleasant people. I think that's what my grandchildren are 'learning', to be all those negitive things.

I can't stop this anger for my child, my only child. I 'had a go' at them last night, they've been calling - I'm tired of being so grateful for a freakin' phone call at night . . . that doesn't happen if I dare to say anything against their wishes, so I doubt I'll get 1 tonight. I don't know how or why the conversation led me to ask had the partner ever owned a car? My child happily chirped 'Oh yes, they had a ute when I met them', they seemed genuinely confused when I asked how the partner managed that? So I explained why I didn't understand - if the partner has just come out of bankruptcy & is unable to secure a loan & provide thier family with transport because they're waiting for a $3000 electricity bill to go away {as I was told by the partner, that's why they couldn't get the loan for the family car}, how did they manage to get the ute? My childs tone change & I was told it was just a piece of junk he bought from a friend. I knew my anger would not help the situation & was out of control so I ended the conversation, saying I had to go. We said goodbye but we didn't say 'love you'. I really feel like I'm dying inside, & I really don't think my child cares, in fact I wonder if that's what they've been doing all these years - trying to force me to end.

Thank you Claire

@Former-Member..... my heart is aching for you ..., but I also think you are making your way forward ......

When I first married, I had someone acting pleased for us, but acting none-too-pleased when alone with me ...... acting generous, but in a very uneven-handed way by stealth ..... acting welcoming, until we were alone ....,, acting supportive, until I noticed the sly, underhand criticisms of everything I did, and everything I was, with ever-so-generous offers to correct and reform me ..... smile quickly turning to a smirk behind my husband’s back ..... and to a sneer when alone with me.

I made a lot of excuses for this person. They suffered a terrible childhood. They suffered an unkind marriage, and many hardships. They were lonely, and only had a small number of people they could trust, that they could share company with.

When I had had enough of making excuses ..... altering my plans to accommodate power games and mind struggles ..... when I had suffered enough slights and interferences and strains on my own relationships as a result of accommodating this person ..... I got mad. I got really, really mad. I recognised that this person was an adult now. This person had never grown up. This person was using the misfortunes and abuses of their own life to manipulate and harm others, and nobody was telling them that they had to stop doing that ..... that it was unacceptable and would no longer be tolerated. So I did.

I did it as gently as I could. I did it as kindly as I could. And I did it as firmly as I could. This person then threw their worst at me, vindictively trying to ruin my happiness, and thought that I would have to suffer the consequences. They were wrong. I told them I would be leaving ..... and as hard as that was, I would survive it ..... and my kids would survive it.

Recognising that I could do that, and would do that, and their life would not be what they wanted for themself and for those they were feeling possessive over ...... they had to stop and do a very big rethink.

It took time to make the adjustments and pick up the pieces .... and put them back together in a way that resembled what we had all once had ..... or thought we once had ..... and move forward ..... but somehow we did. I remained, and still remain polite, but this is not a person I can have anything more than a working relationship with, so that is what it is. We keep the peace and co-exist ..... and it is enough. The genuine people are the ones I have proper relationships with.

You will go through a bit of a storm @Former-Member ..... it might be a lot of a storm actually ..... but hold tight to your integrity ..... that is your rudder ..... hold tight to your convictions ...... they are your sails ..... and remain firm, but polite ..... offering what you can but remembering a place for yourself at this table of life ..... serve yourself also ..... keep mindful of your needs first. You are not a selfish person. Beyond your needs you will have enough to share, but share where and when it brings you pleasure to.

Some of your grand children may surprise you. They may recognise boundaries when they notice them ..... and beyond that, begin to recognise the need for boundaries ..... and love you for it ..... seek you out and appreciate your company.

Hugs n hugs n hugs n hugs ...... 💜💐💕

@Former-Member Dear Niqua I have just managed to make it over to your thread ... I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this regarding your child. I don't know what happened at Christmas but whatever it was has really upset you which makes me sad as you are such a nice person.

I dont know what to say other than I feel your pain and I hope over time the problems between you both can be rectified. Maybe space is what is needed here for you but of course there are the grandchildren ... that makes it doubly hard being the grandparent ... xx

@Former-Member

as hard as it is...sticking by our values is so important...a very good lesson for our children...

you have done the right thing...even though at this moment it hurts so much and you feel that you might have damaged your relationship...

you might have to make a stand again and again ...each time you will hear that you are stronger in your conviction...

.your child has a choice...this is the best that you can offer them apart from love....

money does not buy happiness..materialism is not happiness...

you have been very strong in taking this stance...

I have been in this place ....

you are being true to your values....

hope that you are resting...be gentle with yourself

Thank you Faith

Thank you Greenpea

Thank you Mohill

@Former-Member, sending you lots of hugs my friend