life is too hard

Hi @catgirl,

It's great that @KobeCat and @Former-Member have been able to offer some response since you first posted.

Also great to meet a fellow film-maker. I too been making short films for decades (never gave up despite the lack of financial rewards), and, like you, have won awards for short films. I used to be in it for a career and was funded a few times. Now I do it only for the love of it, on no budget, and actually enjoy it much more than I ever did. I've also had breaks from film-making when I've been too unwell to carry on with it.

I have bipolar and have been seeing psychiatrists since 1990. I've never been admitted to hospital, due in part to the good care I have received outside that context. Having said that, when I first came to the forum I couldn't get myself out of my flat even to check the mail or to make appointments of any kind. Prior to that period, I was simply sleeping my life away for a long period of time, about nine months I slept 20 hours a day. It's been a slow process but I have been gradually lifting myself out of this. This forum has been a key factor in any improvement that has happened for me over recent years.

But I still struggle day to day. Like you, I often find it very difficult to get going at all in the day. It can take me hours some days to even get my eyes to stay open properly. I'm also a long time night owl, another habit I am gradually weaning myself out of. I also live near the beach and only sometimes get myself out there for walks. Though I'd like to do it at least 3 times a week, I often don't manage that.

I'm telling you all this about me so that you might hopefully feel a bit less alone with your present struggles.

I wonder why the fall of night scares you so much, perhaps it is related to trauma. Feel free to talk more about this if you feel it, or not, as you wish. Look forward to seeing you around the forums more, if you like what you find here.

That's so hard with the hallucinations that seem like reality, @catgirl, and a very long time to live with those symptoms. Awful too that you wake up in such a dark place at present. I am thinking now of another member, @Queenie, who I think experiences mood disorder with some similar symptoms to what you describe.

I'm 55 so not too far from you in age really. Same here with the meds - help but not cure. I'm also seeing a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist. Is this something you also do? I had a hard time finding a psychologist I had rapport with, but now have one I like very much and is helping me in ways my psychiatrist has not been able to. I think the two kinds of treatment compliment each other.

As you know, there are no easy answers to these issues. For me, I feel okay as long as I feel overall I am progressing, even if very slowly and still in 'dysfunction' by 'normal' standards. I also use a daily 'activity plan', which for me is a document I spent some time putting together and which I amend as there are changes in my life or habits. I don't look at this every day but when I do I find it helps me do more and get out more too, which is really important for me. I fall very easily into much deeper depression if I go too long without leaving the flat, which is very easy for me to do still. I also don't worry if I don't get through everything that's on my activity plan, which does not have that much on it anyway (trying not to scare myself with it and go into overwhelm). I mention this because I wonder if it could be something useful for you too, to help with the depression.

But I also understand that when times are very dark, it can feel impossible to do something like that. I would encourage you though to really try to get out as much as possible, even if feeling depressed and hopeless.

Woops, I've raved on again. Thanks if you've read this far. Not sure I've even said anything that's going to be of much use to you. At the least though, we can be here to help keep you company in the dark.

Good to hear you have some therapy happening aside from the psychiatrist, @catgirl. I must admit I found the DBT approach that one earlier psychologist took with me to be too difficult and confronting. How do you find it?

The activity plan is divided into hour units throughout the day, starting with the time when I intend to get up. At the start of the day I list the things I have to do in tiny detail because that's when I have the hardest time thinking straight about doing anything at all. So I have things at the start of the day like: get up, coffee, wash, dress, make bed, eat breakfast and take meds. I also include things like 'turn on music', as this helps smooth out things for me and helps improve my heavy mood a bit. It also seems to be good for getting my motivation going a bit better.

Then the activity list just details some of the things I want to do every day, like shower (I have trouble with getting myself to do this quite often); go somewhere out of the flat; do some housework, etc. Basically it can be anything you think you'd like to see yourself doing on a daily basis.

I'm going to see if I can make an image of my activity plan to post here so that you can see it.

Hi @whitedog, we were posting at the same time. Here is the activity list I currently use to help me do stuff. Like I said, I don't do everything on it and don't worry about that. It's more like what I'm aiming for at present. Most days I fall a long way short still. In fact, I don't think I've ever got through everything on the list in one day! But it almost always helps me to do more than I would have otherwise, if I open it on the day.

@catgirl, my current activity list. Bear in mind that SANE moderates images much more slowly than they do posts so it can take up to an hour to appear.

Hey there @catgirl. I saw your post earlier about your avatar being a pic of your furbaby. Lovely pic of your cat! 🙂

@Mazarita is quite right, I live with schizoaffective disorder (which for me is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar). I can certainly relate to the hallucinations. For me, I have a combo of visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations. At present I am coming down from a manic high, only to crash. I am having a lot of hallucinations also.

I can also relate to the fact that medications help but not cure, I find myself in the same category. I think for me at least, a lot of my 'stuff' gets triggered off by traumatic experiences or memories. I've tried just about all types of therapy going (including DBT) and nothing so far has proven suitable. Often the therapist says I cannot undergo therapy with active hallucinations present. I hope you do not have the same said to you?

I see you're interested in making films. That's something I've always been interested in, but have been too scared to try. I'd like to try being behind the camera one day, just filming random things and see what comes up. Well done on your efforts!

Again, it's good to meet you @catgirl. The beauty of this forum is there is always someone out there listening with empathy and being non-judgemental.