I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Dear @Former-Member

It's OK, you're not alone, I am here if you need to chat. It's an urge and you have gone through with your urge - well done. I was in the same position last night exactly like yoiu. How I got through it was i cried and cried and eventually i hugged my pillow and from the exhaustion i fell asleep. The intensity was strong and high but eventually the urge came down if that makes sense.

Is there anything you can do at the moment to self soothe? eg. take a bath, listen to some music?

HI @Teej... done.
Soo sooo bad but done.
I desperately need to clean out my car, would take me a week to do it properly. It's no 1 task when exams finish.

Thank you so much @BlueBay - haven't chatted to you in ages! I really should have a shower (it's been a few days) but that can wait until morning. I've got some essential oils on the burn atm but I have an exam tomorrow so a bit of study keeps my mind slightly less focused on it.

@Phoenix_Rising....... you just don't get it. There is something wrong with me. But not going down that path, I was more intellectualising it cause I find it strange, and I cope with a lot of this stuff by trying to understand it from an intellectual perspective. And it is weird, no one else on here seems to experince sh like that (I think?) I guess I just wanted to hear what other's experiences were and that it was okay.

I had a really werid expereince driving home - I had this thought that nothing my therapist could say could hurt me, like I was impervious and stronger than any words he might say when I see him next (after emailing him a bunch of questions) and I felt like I wasn't inside my own skin, and that I was bulletproof. But that seems to have passed now. Was very very strange.

@Former-Member I think I kind of do something similar when there’s a stress and a time line. I can go to sh thoughts for no real reason and sometimes they are strong and freaky but those ones I know I won’t act on but they freak me out. I too do the intellectualising all that stuff all though I’m starting (very very slowly) to just accept those things as something that just happens.

I shied away from that discussion earlier to try and motivate you with your deadline but I get it and even small stuff like getting my car clean by a deadline can cause a whirlpool in my mind that could bring on sh thoughts depending on how I’d been travelling. I just got home from the big vacuum and am motivated to try and do it more often now :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤔🤨

i hope you are feeling ok and the waves of si have passed and those words typed themselves. Take care of you 💜🤗

Hi @Former-Member how are you this morning?

did you get to do some study for your exam? i wish yuou all the best for your exam. Good luck!!

BB xxoo

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@Former-Member wrote:

@Phoenix_Rising....... you just don't get it.

Hi @Former-Member. I'm sorry I don't get it. I know how super frustrated and invalidated I feel sometimes when people don't get what I'm trying to say, so I'm sad to think that you might be feeling like that at the moment. I am here ready to listen if you want to try and help me get it, but if you don't want to talk about it anymore, that's a bazillion percent ok too.

I'm super glad to hear that you got your assignment done. I hope your exam goes well today. Do you have anything nice planned for after your exam?

No, I'm sorry @Phoenix_Rising I should have put a winking face next to that.

You do get it most of the time, you just don't seem to understand that I am a shit person.

Hi @Former-Member

Ive been away for a bit, but just read your thread. Sorry about losing your idol. I relate to heaps of things you write about, thought I am sure there are a lot of differences between us too. I was called evil by my mother and thought that I did not have a soul ... and been treated as a non person by many people.

I only did a little paleo ... but relate to belief in the scientific method ... except that humans have too many variables too easily squeeze into neat categories for study ... so the religious mystic and new age approaches abound ...

The good/bad .... positive/negative ... or shitty/vomitty ... saint/sinner .... dichotomies can do our heads in ... so I will pose a problem for you ... how many opposites of shitty are there? ...

I "liked" reading so many of your posts as they describe a lot of the way I have funcioned in the world. Good ways ....

See you around ... I hope ...