Dialogue with Sane forum Forumites

Thanks for the lovely words of reply, Anne @PeppiPatty. I like the way you describe what you have in your life, with a strong sense of acceptance and inner serenity. Being able to love other people, help and look after them as you have done and still do, take care of Arlo and your husband and appreciate everyday life, that is wonderful.

There was love between my parents. They never divorced but lived separately from when I was 15. Mum looked after Dad when he was dying. I'm not sure how to view their relationship now. I'm not sure if it was addictions that led to the damage or maybe it was social conditions (and mental ill health) that led to addiction. They were both under huge levels of stress, internal and external, almost all the time. Probably all these things in an interwoven cycle. And sometimes I get all philosophical and just think we all occupy our place in a history that is determined to a fair extent by time and place and social position we are born into, as well as biological determinants and other environmental factors. Still, I know it's possible to break out of some cycles and free will exists too.

Yes, I am getting out most days now. And getting through many activities on my daily schedule. And other good things are coming up (for all of us I hope).

@PeppiPatty

Hmmm I wonder what percentage of people would say have no 'chosen family' (human or otherwise) in their lives at all?

I tend to think that having a chosen family in addition to, if not in lieu of, your birth/rearing family is the norm, but that may just be because I seldom spontaneously think of another point of view! Maybe it is less common than I realise.

Yes it was good to read your post and "see" more of you @Mazarita.I dont know what to say. I met many families acting in that way when I was growing up. I would be friends with one girl, and then moved on and make friends with another, but never be in one place for long to develop deep friendships or have a disagreement with them. Yes it is interesting how we become transformed into "women". Later at work friends insisted on taking me shopping .. I didnt get it really. Somehow I went to please them. My attachment to 'wanting stuff' was weak.

Grief makes us realise many things. I dont have a grand sense of life's meaning beyond dealing with "life and death" in the best way I can. I make meaning in retrospect through reflection. I did need to work out all the interconnectedness before I could find my sense of self.

I can be goal oriented and have a strong sense of purpose. I was confronted about the things that I could not control a great deal. Today as I was walking home from the plaza I started counting my steps @chookmojo. Its just that I have both been told off for counting and told to count ... so many mixed messages in my world.

I enjoyed the logic and order in your posts @chookmojo and the yearning for old mystical experiences and connections. They reminded me of my old meditation and transformation courses ... Its just that the paradoxical has often touched me deeply. Achievement and ambition can be double edged. I see a world of limited resources and huge unjust wealth differences ... in my face ... with my brother and in-laws ... so believe it is not all about "getting ahead".

I guess the "move against" is not strong in me ... but I have had to cultivate it suffiicently to keep authenticity in surrounded by dominating people and get a clear sense of where I finish and the other starts. Which is why i was glad I survived my last writers group gathering.

Thanks gorgeous @PeppiPatty for being you.

For me, atm there is a sense of aligning mind and body.

Dear @chookmojo

When I was a teenager. ..... I suffered a terrible car accident. Because it was how it was I spent much of the next year in and out of strange homes...... A group of very ' dangerous ' drug addicts cared for me. They made sure I had no drugs or no one had sex with me. I was very very lucky.

Then other things happened and ended up there again but never illegal substances or addictive other things influenced me.
But that happened when I was a teenager and what you do when a teenager is hard to break when your older. When my Dad influenced me to sell my home ..... I find it very easy to meld into ...... Associating with poor people.


I think there's a certain percentage of families who are not able to be up front and speak their truths to one another.
For instance @Former-Member. The richness of our stories is that we can start thinking about what she can do to get real places to help her.

@Jacques@hiddeniteWonderful @Nay or @Neb @eth

@CannonSalt Maybe even @Happyness ...@Happyness is insighful

it's hard to hold onto @Former-Member

because it's too difficult right this present moment.

I think where this converstation is going is how to get good support right now from people who have all

disliked themselves (thats me and ....@chookmojo....probably @Mazarita and @Appleblossom

I know that my parents have completely hated me when I was a teenager to only ......a few years ago. The difference in my history @Former-Member is that I was not able to get away from my family because of .....my youngest son's illness. Also, I got brain damage and it took years for me to 'recover the best I could.'

Look at all us girls. You are also a survivor. you just .....are at home with children.

I dont think Im ever going to completely recover from my son's illness although he's supposedly recovered.

Dear @chookmojo,

you are so clever.

Im reading and re reading your message....Wont be online tonight, I have to tear myself away....

tomorrow, ille hope to be able to answer

@PeppiPatty It must be lovely to have people to share your birthday with, like that. I recently had my 30th birthday and wished that I could've had a small party, but I don't have friends. The last time I had a party, my sisters ended up the centre of attention, and I figured that would be the same this time, as they are always so much more interesting than me. I also figured that I probably was too ashamed to see people I hadn't seen in years, as most people I know have their own families now, where as I still live with my parents with no job. Not much to celebrate....

Hi @Ace85 sorry you feel overwhelmed by siblings. Are they older or younger? Can they make a fuss of you? I deal with similar issues when teaching piano and one is somehow faster or brighter than the other ... its just usually a confidence thing and ought to be managed by parents .. but is hard to do.

I dont do birthday for myself either. It is easier to just play it low key. I had one guy pretend to do birthdays for me but that just made it worse .. he would show up with a $5 cake but put it on me as he left. My sense of the deep importance of celebrating someone's life was missing.

I did try to make something of my children's birthdays and give something we didnt really have. So I did a lot of different children's parties. My oldest (step daughter) was very confident and had 2 families spoiling her and she always took over her 16 months younger sister (biological daughter) ... it was sad and frustrating ... but I was not allowed to control, or quieten her. I didnt think it was because she was more interesting ... as they were just kids and I am talking all through school etc ... its just that she was verbally dominant ... apart from my son the last birthday I "did" for the girls was my step's 16 year old party at a roller rink. Somehow my daughter always missed out in the competitveness as the older girl was very good at psyching people out etc ... when I left the marriage I hoped I would be able to make it up to my middle child/ first born daughter but was always blocked ... too many people with too many agendas ... the oldest became a "party girl" ... been running poker nights ... my biological daughter developed a different style, more like me in general personality. All the knowing accusations about me favouring her over the step were pretty destructive ... and probably in the scheme of things quite untrue. I wasnt even allowed to bond with my own ...

It is sad because I had hoped their birthdays would be an opportunity for fun times during life and create self esteem and good memories ... but the oldest one's addiction to centre of attention competitiveness wrecked it for all.

The chinese dont celebrate birthdays and I think I am going to go that route for me but still do them for my son.

I was pleased to be able to give my brother who died a birthday fruit platter when he discovered eating healthily and encouraged my kids to make a fuss about him ... but it was not enough to help him get over his abandonment issues or his BPD. Now I see the issues we faced were too deep-seated and that nothing I did would be able to change that.