Child Loss & MH

Sorry about your son @Former-Member

He might not want to be the man with the dead sister but alas - he is

And it's okay that you feel a bit jealous that I still have my daughter - but really - truly - she has never said it but I think she doesn't want to be the woman with the dead brother - we rarely mention him

It's so sad but truthfully - I have had people tell me not to grieve over my son - but I intend to give him that corner of my heart and take it with me beyond my life here - and this is my choice and I am not going to let anyone take that away from me

But I do have to get my horns out when I speak like that - and basically - wtf do they know anyway? - I feel so strongly about that - and for you - and for every other bereaved parent -

(I just shoved my soap box away and it's safe to come out now everyone)

A cool change as hit Melbourne and it feels cooler outside - but not in here - and my back is aching as well as my knee now - it's good to know you are there - it has been a rough week - well longer than that.

About your back pain etc - taking medication is something we have to be careful about so it is better to take it when the pain starts or at least whatever we were doing before the pain starts - eg - you work in your garden and then - because you can feel yourself feeling whatever you feel when the pain is starting - you take the tablets and take things quietly - this is important because we can hurt ourselves if we do gardening or other heavier tasks after we have taken pain medication

Tough stuff - tough yards - tough love - yes - and you are very precious to me

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

Sibling grief and parent grief are very different - my mother lost a sibling and our missing relation was a big part of our life when we were kids - or rather my life - and it seemed to be a thread going on and on and I was curious and now my curiousity will never be sated - so yes - that was because Gran lived with us rather than anything my mother said

Men are different too - my ex was bereaved of a brother and his father before we married and the loss of his son drove him further into his isolating and morose silence that drove us apart - and it seems tied up with unresolved grief - something never discussed - never considered - never explored

How sad is that? My MIL never discussed the missing son - the children born after their brother did not know about him until they saw their father's death certificate - and I still cannot understand that silence

I think I wrote about this before - that the generation ahead of mine lived through the Great Depression and the Second World War and yes - that would be a tough time for everyone - but to live out of touch with their reality - focused on physical survival

I have said enough but this thread is Child Loss and MH and it seems to me that it is hard to avoid some MH when a child dies - even having grief confused with depression -

But to never face the whole deal of a life torn by loss is going to lead to personality differences and these differences affect all of those who follow - and so true - nothing can change these truths

There is so much to see here - to say here - to explore - to uncover - most of all - to learn

Dec

Here! here! @Owlunar, well said. The egg heads can analyse Grief & Loss all they like, but it is us who live it that offer the best insights.

I'm not surprised your husband didn't cope with losing his (your) son. Survivor guilt maybe? (having lost his brother & dad). After multiple losses, I find it hard myself to quiet the voice in my head that screams "everyone leaves" - believing that causes us to stop investing in relationships. Im not surprised your marriage broke down Dec (another loss), a lot of marriages don't survive child loss.

My difficult sister thinks her grief, over losing her niece - my daughter, is just as significant as my loss. Ha! As if - she has no idea. Yes, i know, my girl was her 'only niece' and was my mums 'only granddaughter' and yes, they suffered so much they couldn't support me in my pain when I needed it most, hat first year, in and out of hospital (MH) with not one visit from them.

So out of touch with the extent of my pain became aparent when she told me (over a glads if wine with no eye contact as the was flicking through a magazine), she said; "its OK to Be Happy you know"... ... OMG! - happy was so far off my grief experience radar.

People say stupid things. Reality is, if we acted 'happier' THEY would feel better. Its selfish ignorance. Her grief was NOT the same ad mine! besides, she had a hubby, I was alone!

Big topic for this time of night Dec.

My tummy, legs, back still hurt from eork today (and wrong shoes i think) and need more pain meds but forgot when I last took those strong OTC pills today. Just gonna have to risk it cause I gotta clean up for tomorrow's house viewing. Wish my memory was better.

You sleep good tonight, lovely chatting again. Sorry i got a bit too sensitive ladt week (about being talked around / ignored by that other person on your pain thread), it was a vulnerable, irrational time for me / a dark place / a slump that makes everything hurts. And you were having your surgery... ... I donno, hate it when i fall apart like that.

You take care Dec 💜💜💜

Yes - it is a really important topic and other people who are not directly involved with a child in the family who dies as their parents - like my mother calling the event an "upset" and telling me she was too "upset" and my sister was too "upset" make me stop and think right now

As for you - still caught in the loneliness of a fresh parental grief - being told you can be "happy" - ah - I feel like gagging on that one - I was told some pretty similar things - and I feel slammed in the head to this day that I was expected to go on as normal after such a lose - and other people - you too

We have to make a new normal for ourselves - and decades later this is something I still get told - not to think about it - like wow - do we forget giving birth? Does any woman forget giving birth?

What did my birth and life mean to my mother than my son's death was so trivial? - just an "upset"?

Fast forward several minutes - I think those of us who have experience such a loss are better for it - we have more to give - and we have endured the worst that can happen to parents. We are no longer the callow young women we once were - we have had to explore the loneliness that comes not just when our child dies but in the isolating emptiness of other lost or changed relationships

I am sitting and thinking a lot of stuff while I have been writing this - it feels really important. I have spent time alone as I often do since I had the operation which was not a big deal as surgery goes - but normally I go out to the shops or walk along the streets and watch the gardens change from season to season - but these last days I have felt uneasy in my isolation because I have only been out for a short time and not for a couple of days.

I think my knee is okay and that the pain is mostly from the stitches pulling. There isn't any discolouration and I haven't got a fever - the weather has been unpleasant but is cooler tonight. It doesn't matter what I do when my son's dates come around I feel disconnected from some part of myself - which is probably him - our children - our lost children - deserve our love as much as our living children do -

That's enough for now - ah - about your OTC pain medication - I write down every time I take a dose myself - I need to because I take this stuff long term - maybe one day I will get off it - I hope so

I will be going to bed soon but you will be on my mind and in my heart and prayers

Dec

I was looking for a picture but could not find the right one -

Just a message for all the grieving parents like me who miss

their children. With Christmas decorations everywhere and those like me with anniversary dates (good and bad) on either side of she 'holiday season' its a sad time underneath. A silent invisible pain that occasionally takes us down for a while.

But we are not alone, we are many all across the world.

So Sending invisible cyber hugzz and strength your way, and mine, together we can make it. Its an isolating, difficult journey.

Be kind to yourself 💜💜💜

HI @Former-Member

I haven't been in the forum much lately and I have lost track of people so thanks for letting me know where you had moved to - I so get what you are talking about

Thin-skinned - what's wrong with that? I must be too though I honestly never thought about it - maybe some people can walk on tacks and not notice anything but wow - I do - even walking on other people's corns hurts - ouch - I know what you are talking about

You are much earlier on in the grief journey than I am - but we both have families that can be less than helpful at times and other downright nasty - let them have their excuses - they seem to be deliberate but we can be forgiving at the same time as feeling hurt to the core

I remember questioning the statement people make at times about people being needy and what's wrong with that? I think at times it irritates other people - gets in their all-important way at times - and I hear what you are saying

Facing Christmas is rough and tough at it happens every year and I get a serve with my family which is okay but a little too much on one day - I have all these other spare days and wish myself that there could be a little more contact spread through the year with all the birthdays and other celebrations that take place - aw yes - when we have steps in the family it is really hard to know where we stand with all of that

We can go hand in hand through this - lean against me if you feel like it - I am further along on the journey of grief and know the story - after all - somethings are mythical - how does Father Christmas leave presents when there isn't a chimney any more?

Hand-holding and caring a pics - this is cyber-space - things that might seem trivial in the ordinary world have a different value here - now what can I find for you this late in the morning?