Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

Hiya @Former-Member, how has your day been today

I am ok @Former-Member, a bit tired but ok ,

I'm SO worried that Im not going to recover from this depression. Struggling day to day with SI and SH thoughts, feeling exhausted, unmotivated, flat is not the way I want to live my life. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. Where did I go wrong I don't know what to do to recover. I'm scared. I don't want to hurt my family. Pretending to be OK is exhausting.

I've been really ill, getting worse for several days.

Having flu on top of my chronic illnesses (sleep apnea, CPTSD, bowel complications from surgeries etc) - has made my recent struggles with daily dissociation so much harder.

I'm totally zonked (doped out) & barely able to think (clearly).

Negative thoughts, feeling helpless & stuck, & frustrated.

I need to call in sick, I really shouldn't go to work tomorrow (or I won't recover) - yet I don't want to have to go through all the drama of calling in sick (that work throws at me).

They require a medical certificate for just 3 hours off (the contract is 3 hours per day) - & an online sick leave application form, etc etc. I know because that's what they asked for last time (10 months ago).

Cough cough, splutter, splutter...

Adge

I am trying my super hardest, but somehow, this time around I simply cannot find my land...er...flippers after the latest round of wave riding. I don't know how to bounce back this time. I feel utterly hopeless. I hear you guys tell me I'm ok just as I am and I heard @CherryBomb tell me the other night to never stop being me, but the reality is that here in the real world, no one can stand being around me. Getting dumped by yet another psychologist has been so utterly crushing. I am trying SO HARD to fix my brain and yet I seem to just keep getting knocked down. I KNOW I have emotion dysregulation issues. I am super self aware about what the issue is. I JUST NEED HELP FIXING IT...and how the hell do I fix it if psychologists keep dumping me. I mean, in November therapist-take-seven dumped me, telling victims services I traumatized her, and now the neurofeedback psych has dumped me. I don't understand. I am TRYING SO HARD. I am so open and honest about the situation, they smile and nod and say it's fine...and then when they actually see it, they dump me.

I am also feeling super hopeless because even though (A) hasn't dumped me, we simply can't connect. We are very VERY different people. I miss my uni counsellor SO MUCH. She truly helped me as much as she could within the constraints of being the uni counsellor, and I know that if I could have kept working with her, I could have truly created a life worth living.

It's like I live in a country where I don't speak the language. My uni counsellor was able to translate for me so that I could both understand what others were saying and make myself understood. She also taught me some really explicit social skills stuff and some explicit emotion regulation stuff directly related to dealing with my supervisor. It helped me SO MUCH and I can see that if I could have had a whole lot more of that, I could learn how to function a million times better in this world. (A) just doesn't seem to have a sense of any of that. We can't communicate. I don't understand her and she doesn't understand me. We are now four months in and she still doesn't seem to know the first thing about me, or have any interest in knowing. Talking with her sort-of feels like talking to someone at lifeline. She does a lot of validating and reflective listening, but she doesn't seem to have any sense of how to HELP me. And yet it is utterly beyond me to try and find anyone else. The reality is that the vast majority of psychologists out there are pretty useless - which I think is largely due to the absurd way they are trained, with no placements or any actual counselling skills taught during the 4-year degree. (A) is basically serving as a paid friend-substitute for me. Given how isolated I am, this is not without value...but it certainly isn't going to help me heal my brain.

I miss the uni counsellor SO MUCH. I miss her so so so SO much. I miss the sense of both understanding and being understood by someone. I miss the sense of genuine connection. I miss the sense of hope that she gave me. Neither (A) nor my GP seem to have any sense at all that I can ever get better. I think that is what I'm finding so hard - (A) has no treatment plan. She can't spell out for me how she believes she can help me achieve my goal of a life worth living. She can't articulate to me any sort of theoretical framework that she is working within. How can I possibly have hope when the person who I'm looking to, to help me, has none? Yep, I feel utterly utterly utterly hopeless.

Ps. Please don't respond. If I wanted a response, I wouldn't have this here in the worry room.

I've just had 3 Dr's appointments (in 4 days) - due to a virus (flu?) getting worse, & not recovering.

I've had to take 2 days off work (needing a medical certificate) for each day.

The Dr suggested taking a 3rd day off work (tomorrow) - although I find that too stressful, because of the work forms to fill out, medical cert, & drama.

The Dr was concerned about the physical aggression (by disabled clients) that I'm being subjected to, & the injuries that I have got as a result (in recent weeks).

He had no specific recommendations (or how to do it) - but he suggested:

1) Somehow reduce my exposure to work stressors (driving 100's of kilometres, being yelled at & hit by clients, etc).

2) Distract myself away from any thoughts about work - don't even think about it (how?).

3) Relax every evening & eat good food (after work)(when exhausted).

4) Go out & try to spend time with people (or play sports) - very difficult, as I have no friends nearby to see (or to go out with).

I do Yoga classes every week.

5) Find a desk job that requires no driving, & that does not subject me to such stressors - very hard, because I've been trying to apply (for 10 months).

I collapse exhausted every day, & have not followed through with consistent job applications - despite continued efforts.

So hard to change things, or to keep on trying, especially when ill.

Adge