Here we go again - welcome to my nightmare.
My husband had a mass internal bleed yesterday. He has been losing weight and has not been well for awhile and now it's looking serious. He managed to get an emergency appt with his cancer/urologist specialist next Monday. He is very weak.
At the same time my daughter's mental state took a turn for the worst (before knowledge of her fathers condition). She hasn't left her room for two days, stocking up on pills and sleeping. I believe due to another abuse situation she puts herself in. It just goes on and on....She also has a rash from head to toe and her health is deterioating. Can't do anything about it, she won't listen and now I don't have the emotional strength.
I entered the New Year believing it would be a much better one than the tradegy and stress of last year. But the nightmare continues and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's out of my control.
Every fear I held is coming true - every fear I held as a parent does for their child has come true and much more than I ever expected would be possible. Cruel.
I have loved and given to my fullest capacity, tried to make the most of life but life won't let me live. It has sucked everything out of me now. If there was any perceivable way to make a better life, to create joy and well being I would do it. But in my case it's impossible. Not due to MI but due to tragic circumstances that produces mental anguish, anxiety and depression.
I have a love for life but life won't let me live. It's the way it is and this is very, very hard to accept. I cry from the grief of the loss of my dreams - all gone, all gone. It's the way it is but it hurts like hell. Especially knowing I have given my all..Have loved so much.. So hard to accept and resign to - it's against my nature. But I can't deny it's reality - it's over. Nothing is going to change. Hard to believe sometimes but this is not a reality I can escape this time.
The reality being I am not meant to be happy in this life....not meant to be. This is becoming obvious. Oh God I feel so alone in it.
The love, prayers and support we have received from friends and well wishers has been encouraging, strengthening and soothing. I have so much love for these people - for so many people. So why? Why did I have to be destroyed? And that's what does not make sense - I had so much to give. Why couldn't I give it? Why won't life allow it? Why can't I live and have a chance...this life takes the life right out of me. My soul is losing its fervour. It's over for me.
And although others feel for us there's is nothing they can do. They can never replace the love of my partner. The one who gave me the will....
I see so many overcome and triumph - but no matter what I do I can't win. That was the case from the outset. Knocked down time and time again - I faced it with such strength. But it's not enough. I have no control, no power, and my light is dimming. Grief in all its ugliness is devouring me.
So here I sit in anguish realising it's over for me. All because of circumstance I can do nothing about. Not from a lack of giving my all... And it is not going to get better. What now?
I feel like crying "my God my God why hast thou forsaken me". But I don't believe he has, I will never believe it. As then all would be gone. Nothing left but darkness.
I had to get this out - grief and loss is consuming me. My pain is great. It's so dark
