****no response required thanks, just needing to get this out there, because there's so much emotion going on inside me and I'm not sure what to do*****
On Wednesday this week I had a huge panic attack at work but managed to use some strategies to help calm myself, and sat through a meeting which I wanted to run out of, so felt quite pleased with myself that I'd lasted the whole day. On Thursday at work I felt highly sensitive and left early because I wasn't able to hold things together. I felt guilty about leaving but was so upset and crying. I couldn't get an appointment with my psychologist and I phoned the counselling service that I use. I felt stupid so hung up whilst in the queue. I left a phone message for Andrew, asking him to return my call. I spoke with my team leader before leaving, and she said she hoped I would catch up with Andrew because he has such a calming influence on me. Whilst waiting for the bus, Andrew phoned and asked me to have something to eat and drink before I left town. He said he would meet me at the park near home and asked me to phone him when I was there. Which I did, but I was sitting under a tree and not much noticing anything, virtually crumbling in on myself.
When Andrew arrived he had his guitar with him, which I couldn't help smiling about. He asked me how I was and what was going on in my head, which I tried to verbalise, but that was too hard, so I asked him how he was, but he said we could talk about that later. (I found out later that he'd had a c.r..p day and had spoken with his counsellor) He said to me that I needed to get out of my head and why didn't we sing a song. And then we could go get some chocolate milk. Which we did. And then he was like a court jester..playing different music saying "This is NatalieS thinking music", "This is NatalieS walking music", "This is NatalieS drinking milk music" And then we sat on the grass at the park on Winnie the Pooh Hill, which we named, as that's where Andrew reads my three year old inner child Winnie the Pooh poems and Beatrix Potter tales. I lay down under a gum tree and he sat a short way away and played his guitar and then we talked and then we just enjoyed each other's company.
Andrew then asked me when I was going to cut down my working hours from full-time to part-time,as I care for my chronically ill husband as well. He asked when I was going to think of myself. He said four days a week would help, having Wednesday as my day. I trotted out the usual excuses: I couldn't afford it financially, it would be selfish of me, and it would be like losing control over everything meaning that I wasn't doing a good job at anything. He asked me if I thought I was looking after myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. I said I wan't looking after myself, nor doing a good job at anything. He suggested I think about things but if I didn't start looking after myself, He would accompany me to my next psychologist appointment.
