Hi everyone, I'm back

@Faith-and-Hope

i do enjoy walking but at the moment i am walking slow because of the extra weight and asthma. i am having a diet shake to drink and eating salads and vegies. not much but it's not working.

no one understands, the eating is horrible, the weight is even worse. maybe i should not eat at all and then i would lose my weight easier

@Faith-and-Hope can i tell you something that has been on my mind this week? - it's pretty negative. if you don't want me to tell you pls just say.

i just need to get it off my chest.

That’s your upset talking now @BlueBay .... you don’t need an eating disorder on top of everything else .... keep up the walking and light eating Hon ..... it takes time for things to work out ....

Sure @BlueBay .....

OK @Faith-and-Hope

I've been thinking - my daughter has her baby now (so she doesn't need me)

my son is in the police academy - he doesn't need me

my other son is almost finished his course (he's old enough and doesn't need me)

my husband - well he managed well while i was in hospital

see where this is going - no one needs me anymore. i am not needed, and i thought of SH or even worse suicide. why am i doing this, i have no idea, it is scary i know. and at times this week it seems like the only answer to my issues.

@Faith-and-Hope you're the only person i have told

They are “only” thoughts @BlueBay ..... there is always the temptation available to think this way, because your mind knows that you have choices .....

If I were to speak this way, perhaps you could see the same thing in my situation .... my kids are all grown up and don’t need me anymore for their life management ..... my disabled daughter could be put in a care home of s9me sort and nursed / distracted through the rest of her life .... my hubby is already living howeve4 he wants and me not being here would free him from any further responsibility towards me .....

But the truth is something very different .....

My family have a love relationship with me ..... and they would never get over losing me that way .... never .... it would tear apart their happiness for a very, very long time, and even learning to find some joy very far down the track, it would still be tainted with sorrow from what I had done .....

Your grand baby needs to know you ...... it is inbuilt to your daughter’s joy for that to happen .... your son’s graduation would be empty without you ....your other son the same ..... your husband has no Plan B going into retirement and older age than to have you with him in this stage of life ..... and you wouldn’t wish the sort of heartache, depression and sh and si that could result in their lives to happen @BlueBay .....

So you can acknowledge these thoughts, but understand you have many options, many choices, and you can ignore this particular stream of thought rather than entertaining it .....

I hope that helps. I am hearing you ...... you’re hurting ..... and you want it to stop. It doesn’t stop that way, it just transfers into everybody else’s lives instead.

I do understand what you are saying @Faith-and-Hope

I would miss them all so so much

i do have to not let these thoughts get in my way of living

you are right.

thank you for helping me understand. i am still hurting.

BB xxxooo

Thanks @utopia ..... I didn’t think of it being linked to the meds ..... or needing a change-up .... 🌷