I feel...

Thank you @outlander

Hey @outlander, I tried to talk to her but I'm having to put the carer pants on at the moment and look after her as she changes medication for her chronic pain condition. I feel like my problems pale in comparison to hers at the moment. I found out she is battling addiction to some of her meds and doctor has taken her off them. She is in so much pain. 😞 I feel really guilty about trying to talk to her about my problems, so much so that I've popped on that mask again. The mask of normality.

Thanks for thinking of me

You want me to be honest, no mask @outlander? Okay, I think I can do that. I feel totally and utterly useless and like a waste of space. My Father hasn't bothered to call me since he dropped off my belongings. I am supposed to meet with my cousin next Friday, but I just don't think I can face her. I feel like I am in a huge crowded space screaming for help but nobody hears me. All I do when I am not here is sleep. I am sleeping sometimes 20 hours per day. I am getting into trouble because of it. My Mrs needs me right now and although she is sleeping lots too, I just curl up in bed beside her and shut my eyes. I just feel awful, like I am letting everyone down. I couldn't even face group therapy the other day and went back to sleep instead. I texted my support worker to apologise for the inconvenience and she was fine with it. I'm supposed to be going away for a few days (Sunday to Wednesday) into the city staying at a fancy hotel as a treat for my Mrs and I. We leave early tomorrow morning, but I haven't even thought about packing because I really don't want to go to be honest. We've paid for it though so I had better go. I'm just feeling blah and confused.

Sorry to rant. I'll slam shut those floodgates now before I completely lose it. Thanks for listening @outlander, I really appreciate it.

does that feel abit better @Queenie and no no mask here, i want you to express what your really feeling not what the mask feels. im here for you ok, no judgement.

im hearing you about asking for help but no one hears, i really get it and understand.

maybe this time away will help you both. change of scenery, something nice, go out and enjoy yourselves even if you dont want to. sometimes the hardest step is doing the doing.

maybe when your mrs goes to lay down you could go for walk, i know she appreciate you there for her but you also need to care for yourself. even suggest that you both go for a walk on the beach or plan a romantic evening at a restaurant or just something out of the daily routine.

these are only suggestions and you dont have to take them on board btw just thinking out loud

how about writing a list of what you need to do to pack, you can put them on here and heck them off with me as you go, even get your Mrs involved and psych her upabit and try to get the ball rolling for you both

hugs Q, here to listen anytime you like

I ended up packing after dinner. My version of packing is just throwing some clothes and shoes into a bag with toiletries and meds. My Mrs however has been packed for days, she's really excited about the trip. I wish I could steal some of her enthusiasm. She got angry at me that I hadn't packed, so to keep her quiet I did it. I just feel so blah.

It's hard without a car to get anywhere unless we use uber. Even then, it costs too much. I am the lowest income earner in the entire house where everyone is on a pension of some sort. I say the lowest earner because my Mrs receives her disability pension plus a carer allowance because of me. I just have plain DSP. I pay $300 a fortnight rent to her mum so half my pension disappears pretty much straight away. I never go anywhere unless it is by public transport which I have a phobia of (long story but involved a bus full of people bullying me). We really relied on our vehicle. It was insured but because it is being repaired rather than replaced, we have to wait for parts to come from abroad. That means months of no vehicle and no way to get anywhere. It's been a month already with an approximate time set sometime late November for us to have it repaired.

Last weekend I plucked up the courage to shout an uber and we went for a high tea in the city. It was kind of romantic I guess. I just feel 'stunted' emotionally at the moment and although I really love her, all I do is cry. She wonders why when she catches me and I say I'm not crying, it's allergies or something. She caught me in bed crying last night and because I said it was allergies making my eyes watery, she told me to take an allergy medication.

I'm going to try to do something romantic for her during this break in the city tomorrow. I just hope it works @outlander. I've got to find some way out of this funk and soon.

im glad you got some packing done @Queenie I understand the blah feeling but I really hope that this trip does some good for you too. You deserve happiness. Try to put aside your worries for now and try and enjoy the trip. Im sure your romatic uh ness I cant think of a term to use will be much appreciated and will be a nice surprise for her.

Q try not to suppress your feelings, when she asks what is wrong try talking to her. She doesnt know unless you tell her whats happening for you. I can tell you shes probably noticing the change in you but doesnt know how to bring it up properly as your suppressing it with og its just allergies or something else. Try to be honest with her. She cares for you too remember. She loves you flaws and all. Your her Queenie and you cant be replaced in her.

Im sorry your car is taking so long to get fixed. Itll be a big help when you do get your car back. I know itll be costly but youll have more independence. Does your mrs have to pay rent too? Maybe you could both split the payments?

My Mrs pays $300 rent too. Seems a bit steep but I dunno... I just pay it because I've got nowhere else to go.

fro that you both could have your own house @Queenie but i guess its a safe place for you to live despite the expense