I feel...

I chickened out on therapy and my support worker @outlander. Now I feel worse than ever. I just feel like the cracks are widening. I didn't want to face group therapy because they all think I'm happy go lucky and I didn't want them to see me cry. Also I couldn't face my support worker because of the same reasons. Gawd what the heck is wrong with me?

its ok @Queenie i understand how you feel

its hard to be the happy one and then have your own problems on top. there is nothing wrong with you Q.

are you able to reshedule your support worker? i think seeing her/him would be the better thing to do as you can get one-one personal support. i know its scary but can you tell your support worker thats how you feel? like the cracks are widening and you fear judgment because of what people normally think of you and are worried about those expectations, like you feel you cant be yourself even on your bad days

hugs

I said I will see them next week at the same time. I am supposed to be going for a short holiday for a few days from Sunday to Wednesday. I don't know how it will go to be honest @outlander. I'm not even excited about it like I normally would be. I also think my Mrs has noticed something is up because she keeps on asking me if I've had my meds (which I have). I am sort of hoping she notices that something is amiss, but at the same time I don't want her to worry because she has her own stuff happening right now. Maybe I'm just being selfish?

You are right @outlander, I should talk to her. She keeps worrying at the moment that I am going to wind up in the hospital again (I don't think I am anywhere near that bad though). She worries because I seemingly travel on 6 months cycles with my mental health (have done for years). I am very overdue for a major downturn requiring hospitalisation. I just think I've got better ways of coping now and don't ever want to return to the hospital for my mental health if I can help it.

Who knows, maybe this few days away will help me out of my funk?

I told her we needed to talk about our mental health @outlander @Kurra. I told her I would discuss it later after MIL goes to bed and it's just us. I told her not to worry, it will be a positive conversation about how we need to be strong for each other. I feel so selfish to think of my problems, when my Mrs is battling her own demons at the moment. I guess I've gotta find that glue, as you say @Kurra, to stick the pieces back together.

thats really positive @Queenie im really proud of you.

i hope it goes well for you and we are here for you whichever way it goes

hugs xoxo