I feel...

I feel overwhelmed and frightened. I have no idea why.

It's been some time since I went to therapy as my therapist was on holidays and then I was forced to cancel an appointment due to an urgent medical appointment for my Mrs. I am trying to remember all she has told me but it is so so hard. I've been living the high lifestyle again, really fallen off the rails so to speak. It is only now I cannot afford things that it's hit home how bad I let things get on top of me. Some people call me a control freak but I'm not really, its just I have to walk a fine line between what is real and what isn't in my world. I'm frightened of returning to the world of chaos that I used to live in.

I try so hard to be normal and this overwhelms me sometimes, especially when I am still cast away as tarred with the brush of insanity. None of my former friends want anything to do with me because they are all busy living lives of normality and don't want to be humiliated by the stigma surrounding mental illness. Therefore I have very few friends and the ones I do have only want to see me rarely. I guess I could throw loneliness and isolation into the mix. Before I moved to the city, I had lots of friends and saw them nearly every day. Now I just have my Mrs for companionship (and I suppose I should be happy with that). I just feel so blah. I have even thought about IT again, only fleetingly. It makes me so sad thinking about it too. I cry when nobody sees at night. I think I don't actually have the guts to do IT, yet living is too hard too.

Heck, maybe I am just in a depression again. You'd think after twelve years, I'd have the insight to see it for what it is.

Hello @Missmylife and @outlander and @Former-Member. Don't you just want to wish yourselves away at times? 😞

You know guyz I think the too-hard basket has to be huge

.... cos we all seem to be in it. ..lol

Hey @Missmylife @Former-Member .

@Queenie Not sure what to say .. I just wanted to say keep reaching out and exploring your strengths

I cant give your post justice as I need to fly ...... there is a good community growing here ... it has to mean something.

Take Care

Apple

hello @Former-Member, @Queenie, @Appleblossom, @outlander, @Missmylife

sending you all hugs for today

Hello all and thank you for your kind words and support..

umm, well an update is needed I guess. I wrote for a couple of hours, editied and checked other posts on what I could and couldn’t say. Yet AGAIN it appears MORE than obvious that I am incapable of doing even the most basic of things, flagged for lots of stuff a

even tho I can not see where I said the things mentioned. Including writing was to long and should only be 1-4 paragraphs. I had the title s my novel of a life, and mentioned it was going to be long as can’t do short info anymore. Maybe just not ment to be with people. I guess I am ok with that as this was my last attempt to connect. Took years to get the courage. I am so sorry that this seems like it is not going to be a place for me. The first time in 6 years (8years ago accident and start of my saga) that felt comfortable talking to people and trying to offer the minimal stuff that I have encountered during this,,,

well living in my own personal hell..

i wish SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH that I wasn’t so broken but, I am. I can’t write short stuff very often. I didn’t mean to break the rules but go stupid to even be able to do that.

Thank you everyone for you ALL being who you are. It did give me a glimmer of hope.

away from the world for so long, just started to peer back in. Back in my box, best for all it seems. Thanks again for the light, at the end of the tunnel..

I really did think it wasnt wasn’t going to be another train this time.

i will stay here until I get an answer for my questions from sane thru email. And sorry again to all..

wow what a day, getting hopes up is SO MUCH WORSE, than just living with MI...

REALLY DONT DESERVE TO COMPLAIN so many other have it worse, and my issues I guess just first world. This will be way to long BUT PLEASE SANE... Please let me post it......

sorry cant do the 300 words when losing my mind....... again, wow.. sometimes it is better NOT to try..

another level of broken, thought that the s, hotline hanging up years ago was hard, discharged after first admission (next morning)now can’t even post correctly on a fourm, that I tried to research. All my fault I know, just another failure to clock up.

i thank you all for your efforts in many areas, honesty, support, acceptance and so many more things. Can not stop,crying and thinking how being to crazy for the mental health system breakers that little bit harder....

take care of each other, you all seem like amazingly strong and brave. Wish I was....

sorry I am obviously not 😞

I'm sorry @Missmylife your post was flagged for some reason. I'm sure the length of it wouldn't have been a problem. I've posted mammoth things in the past and was allowed them. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. Have you heard from the moderating team as they are all really friendly? Please don't think you've done something wrong and keep continuing to reach out for support.

Sending you as much love and light as I can muster right now (I'm in a dark place myself).

Q

@Queenie So sorry to hear you are also in a dark place, really not fun.. wish we could all light a candle in our dark places, and maybe all our little, Mine VERY little light could make up enough to light a part of our rooms?? Thinking of you and REALLY appreciate your reply, it DID mean a lot xx

below the exact flag, well one of...

i appreciate the time time you have spent posting on this fourm however we try to keep post to a paragraph or so, to ensure that other members will have the time to read them.

REALLY my first post on a NEW discussion topic called:

my novel life...

with a short startement warning that it will be long and in parts:

i hope that @Queenie you get to feel the little light I have left shining towards you to attempt to have some light in the darkness. You have ALL today and yesterday been a light in my otherwise mostly dark world..

p.s. I went down the steet today and spoke with three people. A big thing. Normally only try to limit the community to one person having to deal with me..

they all seemed happy to talk Puppies:-)

thinking of you in your also dark time.

Wow @Missmylife, I wonder how my posts got through in the past. I've often gone over 4 paragraphs and I'm sure there's many of us who have too. Perhaps it is a new guideline I am not aware of? It can be difficult voicing yourself in an online world, especially when you are in such a state of distress. You really want to express what you are thinking and feeling. I'm really sorry to read your post was flagged. It doesn't mean you did anything necessarily wrong however, so please continue to reach out. There is light at the end of the tunnel as you have said yourself...

I like the idea of lighting a candle. If each of us who is in a dark place lit a candle in our despair, it would light up the world. I really like that thought!

Hugs x

Q

Hi @Missmylife

I hope you eventually get the thread with the novel of your life up and posted.

WHen I first joined my posts were often very long and I lost them. I think it was a technical thing. They seemed to get eaten up. I just kept posting and trying different things.

There are the guidelines and certain words that are not allowed. If you were attracted to the forum, by what you read, then you have a genuine place here. Please dont lose heart because of posting issues. It really is frustrating because we put our heart and soul out. It is a risk to press that "post" button. A lot of us had frustrations at the beginning.

Already your presence has been positive.

Glad you were able to be more social today.

Posting here has really helped me reduce the load of my personal problems so I can socialise in real life better.

Also It is a great bunch of people.

Gently with yourself @Missmylife

Feeling low tonight.

I think, for the time being at least, I should refrain from self reflective exercises.

I even cried at the final episode of Family Feud and had to excuse myself. I mean, what the heck?!

I am shut up in my bedroom listening to Bernard Fanning's Tea and Sympathy album. It's my sad music... especially Watch Over Me. I want that song played at my funeral.

Not that it matters... nothing really matters does it?