I feel...

I think it is time for respite, but I cannot receive until I am locked into service agreements for the NDIS and for that I have to wait until August. Feeling really bad, I mean I'll survive and all, but I need to get away.. from everything. Tomorrow is college, I'm unprepared and I don't even care about it. I just give up at the moment I think.

If you are reading this, I thank you. You needn't have wasted time on me, trust me, I'm not worth it. I feel pathetic typing out my mixed up stupid feelings here. Every single time I cut back at the doctor's request on medication (because it makes me too sedated), something happens. Most of the time I become manic, then crash. This time I am riding the depression train to nowhere.

I feel so bad. Not in danger, just really bad.

I don't want to go to hospital @outlander as I am not in danger to myself per se (so I doubt they'll touch me with a 10 foot pole). I've just emotionally fallen in a massive heap and failing fast.

I think I will make an appointment with my psychologist instead. She should be back from abroad now. I still have sessions up my sleeve. I just hope she doesn't recommend hospitalisation for what my voices are up to. They are very destructive of late (like bullies) and I am taking what they say and doing the opposite. They tell me to die, so I in turn decide to live. They tell me people are trying to spy on me all the time, so in turn I stand on my front patio for all the world to see.

I'm just tired and need a whole lotta time off. I can't go anywhere though as I have all this stuff to do at home.

She knows. I messaged her a red card @outlander. I have a few fundraisers I've got to go to in August, as they are causes close to me, but that's just a day here and there. I've gotta have some time to work on myself.

It makes me wonder, do people without MI have to work on themselves? I've had poor mental health so long (since adolescence really) I honestly don't know.

Wish "tea and sympathy" from me .. lol ..were enough @Queenie

I have a feeling once you do get through this you will emerge with a great deal of strength. I have been in a place where negative mind states almost ramped up the activity because they could tell I was getting stronger, all the left over nits of yukky stuff rattling around inside me.

Its good you know the MH system well and make appropriate plans.

Its good you can communicate with your Mrs.

Dunno about normal people.

I think people who do not work on themselves are less interesting or good to be around, regardless of any Dx or trauma.

I made an appointment with my psychologist, but couldn't get in for a couple of weeks. I guess that's okay.

I feel so distracted and distanced from the world and it is beginning to become obvious. People are commenting on stuff I've done (or not done) and said (or not said appropriately). I just want to spend more and more time in my own world (and that is a dangerous place).

I'm doing my best and I think that is all people can ask of me. Is that right?

Thank you @outlander