I feel...

I feel grey. Anyone else ever feel grey? Just meh? Like, you aren't in the depths of despair, but at the same time you aren't exactly the happiest person on the planet either. I know what caused this to occur... my own stupidity really. I decided to reduce and then stop some of my medications and now I'm back in the rut again. I haven't done any study other than what is covered in class (and our teacher is going away, so we will have a substitute teacher which relieves the pressure a bit). I just feel like lying in bed all day and staring at the ceiling or better yet, sleeping.

I started taking the medications again, but they just give me the weirdest feelings, especially my night ones.

Thanks @outlander. To make matters worse... overnight the MIL's cat did something to my laptop and it now won't work. I had to rush out and buy a new one. Still in the process of putting everything back onto the new laptop now. I hate feeling like this. I burst into tears of pure frustration at the bus stop going to the shops. I had only just paid off my credit card and now I had to put another major purchase onto it... sigh! Some days are diamonds and some days... well we all know the song!

Can I admit something which I tried to admit to on a closed chat with a couple of close friends and they all laughed at me? It is embarrassing to say the least, well at least I was left feeling embarrassed after they all laughed at me.

I think my schizo side of schizoaffective disorder is acting up again because I am being told by my friends and family I am being delusional and irrational. You see, about 6 weeks ago I was given the go ahead to reduce my medication and I did so according to doctors wishes. I still have my injection (that hasn't changed), but my oral antipsychotics have been slowly but surely cut back.

I keep thinking people are watching me and following me. I hear voices coming from lights like there are cameras or something in there. Other than that, I am carrying on slack as normal and staring at the ceiling wishing the Earth would swallow me up. I had a change in antidepressants to something less potent (I was on a special prescription for a strong dose) as it has been giving me side effects for some time now. I'm not suicidal or anything as a result, just stuck in a state of meh. The littlest things make me really angry though and my tolerance for the fact I have no privacy here is dwindling. We are forced to sleep with our bedroom door open at night because the MIL wants it open to let the bloody cat (which ruined my laptop) in when she wants. FFS I want a bit of privacy! What happens if I want to be intimate with my Mrs? Nothing, that's right nothing happens for months on end until we can afford a weekend away by ourselves in order to be intimate because of a freaking cat! Call me irrational but does that just seem off to you all because it sure as hell does to me! This just leads to further depression.

I had a dream last night I actually did it (die I mean) and I was shocked at how quickly people seemed call me selfish and got on with their lives and I was forgotten. I guess it's as good enough a reason to keep on living regardless at how crap life can get at times, because knowing my family, it wouldn't be too far from the truth and thus reality. Far out how pathetic am I dreaming of my own demise and yet not being brave enough to either a) go through with it or b) actually get on with living this life! I am so so angry at myself for that.

I am ending this post here because it is becoming hard to concentrate with all this external yet in reality I know it is probably internal noise. Asher can be downright mean!

@QueenieI don't think anything you said is laughable or you should be embarassed by it. It is a shame that their are niave people around us who choose not to understand our MI.

I understand the shutting the doors and wanting privacy. You have a right to it.

Hey @Queenie

Glad you sorted some stuff out about the hearing voices support.

Glad you had some good days even if lately has been a bit grey.

I have been a bit meh for the last week, nothing drastic, just quiet and resistant to doing things I ought... meh ...

Darn about the cat and computer ... we have a saying ...

"the cat did it" and sometimes they do.

People privacy ought rate above 24 hrs 7 days a week feline freedom ... and I adore cats.

Take Care Bella.

Make those pink days when life is worth living count ... remind yourself of those positive feelings while you work out what you are doing medwise and lifewise.

Cheers

Apple..

I brought it up just now as an item for a family meeting and was vetoed (about the cat). Just another reason why I want to move out from underneath parental control (the Mrs' mother). It seems the cat's litter is worth more than me in this house because I just discovered a bag of dirty litter dumped on my brand new $100 shoes. FFS!!

@Queenie It sounds like things have been stressful for you lately i am sorry about that do you think going back on the meds would help?

Hey @Eden1919 and @Appleblossom small graces and small wins today with agreement reached regarding the feline boss. At night we can close our door and MIL is to ignore the cat no matter how much she carries on.

I’m agreeing about the stress levels, unfortunately I was forced to cancel therapy this week as other plans were made despite it being on the calendar first... oh well can’t win them all lol!