I feel...

On the 14 of May, I check into a peer-run facility for my mental health concerns. I will be there for a week hopefully. So much has happened that it is difficult to explain. I was successfully hypnotised by my psychologist and massive bombshells came out of that session. I was consciously aware I was saying them but had no filter. The session was recorded (and I received a copy). Basically, I think of my brain as a filing cabinet of memories and thoughts. I was trying to lock up the draws of memories keeping the bad memories from hurting me, but at the same time, I'm shutting off good memories and thoughts too. I burst into sobbing tears and told her I didn't want to live with myself like that.

My Mrs is having trouble with addiction at the moment. It seems her chronic pain issues have meant she has become addicted to painkillers and alcohol. She has been sneaking these substances under plain sight for some time. I feel really disappointed that in my issues I've been so self-absorbed that I've failed her. How could I be such a terrible person and partner? It has become to the point that rehab has been mentioned and she may yet face long-term health issues from her substance abuse. Added to that, she has been self-harming again in private. I feel like this is all my fault and I've let her down (I know I have). How I've been acting has been having a huge impact on those around me. All I've been doing is sleeping, eating and going to college (but not doing any assignments so I am behind again).

I still feel like life isn't worth living for me, but I am at the moment living for others, especially my Mrs. She needs me in her life to keep herself functioning. She has finally come around (with much forward planning and reassurance) to the fact that I will be gone for a week come Monday week. She can visit me occasionally during that week, providing I am not in a support session which is one on one.

I feel foolish and really crap. I've spent time away from the forum to try and put things in perspective without feeling like I'm in trouble. Here I am reaching out yet again, feeling nervous about doing so too.

hi @Queenie well done on reaching out here. it sounds like so much has been happening for you!

wow that is a rough hypnosis session, im not sure if id be up for that sort of treatment- your braver than i am. you mustve been holding so much in. i hope that you continue to recover now though despite the difficulty of it all.

i dont think your a terrible person or a partner and now your aware of it, you can help her too. i hope she gets the help she needs too.

Thank you @Former-Member. Recovering from panic attacks are awful, I've just got to remember that they pass and they can't really hurt me.

I think the anxiety comes from a culmination of everything going on and it is a process I have to get through to come out the other side, hopefully, stronger and more resilient.

@outlander it was an eye-opening hypnotherapy session, let me tell you! I'm glad in a way it was recorded because I wouldn't have believed it possible that I opened up like that. I spoke about my voices, past trauma, delusionary thinking as all part of my filing cabinet. I basically said out loud I cannot keep the cabinet locked because even though I was keeping away the bad stuff, I was denying the good stuff from coming through too. Stuff like memories of my mother and brother, who I barely remember now even though I was an adolescent and teenager when they both passed away. She was thinking of trialling this hypnosis stuff to get to the root cause of my psychotic thinking, as she believes it is deep seeded trauma which changed my brain chemistry and made me more susceptible to schizy. Me, I am willing to try anything really if it means I have hope of living a more normal kind of life.

I need to stick out this life. There are way too many people who would be negatively impacted should something happen to me. I don't think my Mrs would 'get over it' as simply as I thought. She would be a mess mentally and physically. Tonight she was tossing up between going to her first AA or NA meeting and asked me if I would go along with her. I told her I am not sure if I could, as if I remember from NA, meetings are quite private and there is a lot of sharing. I told her I'd support her in any way I could though, as I think it is important to come back from these sorts of issues. I do feel kind of guilty for wanting to drink and take drugs again (again stupid stuff which needs to stay in my past drawer of my filing cabinet). I will use whatever strength I can muster to remain on the straight and narrow.

Thanks for listening. Apologies its a bit of a ramble.

wow @Queenie talk about a big session hey! i really hope you guys can get into the root cause of all of it and hopefully make things better for you in the long run too. im not sure what an NA is?

when in certain states Q, you dont think about the effects itll have on others and most people drink etc to cope even though its an unhealthy way of doing that but thats often the reaosn behind it. your mrs sounds like shes trying hard too and wants that help which is really great to hear.

Hey @outlander NA is Narcotics Anonymous. She is basically addicted to painkillers, so I thought it might be a good option for her. You never know, I might go and revisit it myself (or a similar sort of thing) to discuss my silly urges for wanting to return to that lifestyle.

It was a massive session. I came home and went straight to bed as I was exhausted.

oh that makes sense @Queenie id never heard of it until you meantioned it. that does sound like a good option for her. if thats something you think you would benefit from i would encourage you to go to that too.

im not surprised you were exhausted!

I feel anxious peeps! I think I'm in trouble with my cousin (the only family member who talks to me). I don't know why but she texted me a very brash text. It was so abrasive. I feel sick. I haven't done anything but support her. Deep breaths!

I was supposed to go to a show with her and she decided at the last moment she wasn't coming. All through the show I had a feeling of guilt, just overwhelming guilt. Normally if someone pulls out of plans, I feel like cancelling the whole thing so they don't feel left out. I couldn't do this because they were show tickets we paid a hefty sum for.

I feel sick. I shouldn't have gone!

@Queeniejust take some slow deep breaths. You have done NOTHING wrong. If she pulled out than that is her fault NOT YOURS.

I would have gone if I had paid all that money too.

Just some nice deep breathing hun